Losing It

Have nothing better to do? Read this!

2010-02-01T15:07:00.003-06:00

http://www.amazon.com/Tuscan-Whole-Milk-Gallon-128/product-reviews/B00032G1S0/ref=cm_cr_dp_all_helpful?ie=UTF8&coliid=&showViewpoints=1&colid=&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending

I guess I am not the only one with too much time on her hands. lol 1100+ reviews on this milk.....why milk? is all I want to know. Enjoy! It is good for a laugh or two.

Gratitude

2010-01-27T06:31:00.002-06:00

I really want to express my gratitude for the freedoms I enjoy living in the United States. I am grateful for military men and women and their families for the sacrifices they make to maintain my freedoms.

I am grateful for men like my father-in-law who fought in WWII. He has shared many stories of the war with me. He has made it very real to me. Today is International Holocaust Remembrance Day. I remember reading the Diary of Anne Frank as a teenager. It was the first time I got a real picture of how the Holocaust affected families. It is a very moving book. Another good reason to keep a journal, but I digress.

Several years ago, The Holocaust museum brought a traveling exhibit to Kansas City. I went to it. It was one of the most moving experiences I have ever had. Pictures, video and survivors gave me a reality check. I believe it is important to know about and remember the Holocaust. There is much to learn from it.

I encourage you to check out the website below for more information. Take a moment to remember and pray for those who were affected by the Holocaust. Take a moment to express gratitude to our Heavenly Father for what we have.

http://www.ushmm.org/museum/exhibit/focus/ihrd/comment_post.php

Just a little bragging

2010-01-19T11:57:00.002-06:00

My daughter tried out for a part in Romeo and Juliet. She got the part of the nurse. She is very excited about it. The funny part is she will be dressed in a fat suit and they will be enhancing her figure. Anyone who knows my daughter knows she does not really need enhancing, if you catch my drift. lol The play is March 5th and 6th, 7pm at SVJH.

A great Christmas present

2010-01-18T12:32:00.000-06:00

This Christmas we gave our dog, Mitzi a new toy. The only toy she loves is a duck that is made by the American Kennel Association. The duck is very durable and lasts a pretty long time and most importantly it squeaks. My hubby put the duck into a paper lunch bag. Christmas morning we gave her the bag and she stuck her nose in and got really excited. She dragged it around trying to pull out the duck. It was so cute and funny. We all laughed and laughed. When she got the duck out she ran around prancing with it in her mouth. Then she jumped up on the couch and laid her head on it. She was so happy. I wish everyone was so easy to please.

#3 1/2 An Exercise in valuing fathers

2010-01-11T16:50:00.001-06:00

In the book I have been reading I searched for an exercise about fathers. Unfortunately I did not find one. Since it was really good for me to think of things I learned from my mother, I thought I should do the same for my father. I am going to list 5 things I learned from my father, or that my father did to contribute to the person I am today.

1. The importance of being honest.   My father used to say there was nothing he disliked more than a liar and a thief. My sisters and I knew that if my dad asked us something, we better tell the truth. If we were lying and he found out (which he had the uncanny ability to do) we would be in more trouble for lying than for whatever we had done or not done in the first place.

2. To do a job well no matter how small or big. My father used to say, "If you are going to do something do it right." I think this was so important to him because he was an Ironworker. If he made a mistake doing that there could be terrible consequences. My dad was good at being sure that I knew exactly how to do a task. He would teach me and then he would expect me to be able to do it. I always knew that I would have the opportunity to redo it if I did not do it right. Practice makes perfect right?

3. To work hard for what you want and to take care of it. My dad was a hard worker. He held a full time job and then he would work on his house. He was not an educated man, but he was not stupid. He learned how to be handy around the house. He could do everything from carpentry to wiring. I do not think there was a job that was too big. Every weekend he would work around the house always improving something.

4. To never let a man treat me with disrespect. One time when I was about 10 my dad found out that my step-grandpa was mistreating (hitting) his mother, my grandmother. So he went down to their apartment and invited Don (my step-grandpa) outside for a discussion. We never saw what happened, but we saw the effects of their discussion. Don had a bloody nose and black eye. I was glad because I did not think it was right for my grandma to be hit. I did not like it when people fought. Unfortunately I heard and saw it a lot. When my parents were married they fought a lot. I think that they must have had a lot of love for each other at one time as they displayed a lot of hate for each other. That much passion does not come from no where. They fought terribly and actually when they got a divorce it was a relief not to hear or see the fighting anymore.    So I was glad to see my father stand up for his mother. I told myself then I would never let a man hit me.

5. The ability to change. In my early years my father drank a lot and when he did he became a different person. A person that I learned to fear. But years later my father stopped drinking to excess and he changed. He married a good woman and they built a very nice life together. He became a grandfather and he was loved by many. One day he came to my house for Mike's birthday party. There was an incident and my father lost his temper. I made him leave. Later he called me and apologized. It meant a lot to me to have him apologize. It showed me that people can change, that he changed.

When my father passed away in 2006 we were not speaking. In fact we had not spoken in nearly 10 years. I wish we had made amends before he died. My heart aches for the father I missed out on. I love you dad.

Task #3: Instant Choirs, An exercise in Valuing Moms

2010-01-08T15:04:00.003-06:00

Ok first off, what happened to the spell check option? I cannot see the best and I use spell check all the time. However I seem to have lost the ability on the blog. Excuse my spelling or help me. lol :)

Task #3: Instant Choirs, An exercise in Valuing Moms
Write down 5 things your mom has done to help you become the person you are today. Share the list with her if possible.

My mom passed away in 1992 so I cannot share this with her, so I will share with you. I always think about her around the holidays. Actually starting around Halloween as her birthday was the 30th of October and through the holiday season.

Unconditional love and acceptance. My mother always showed me unconditional love and acceptance even when she disagreed with my choices. This helped me to make my own choices without fear of losing her love. I remember once in high school I did something I was very ashamed of, I got caught and had to face the consequences of my actions. I was devastated, embarrassed and humiliated. I ran home to my mom crying and told her all about it. She did not try to fix it, she did not criticize me for it, she did not even reprimand me. She listened, hugged me, dried my tears and asked me what I wanted to do about it. I will never forget how she made me feel that day. When I think about how she handled this situation I realize how differently it could have gone if she had not supported me. It may have even changed the course of my life. Not only did she teach me about love but also about taking responsibility for my own choices. I have often thought about her response when I have had to deal with disappointment from my own children's behavior. I can only hope that my children know that I love and accept them even if I do not agree with their choices. My mother set the bar high for me.
Resiliency. My mother taught me to be Resilient. Resilience is defined as a dynamic process that individuals exhibit positive behavioral adaptation when they encounter significant adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or even significant sources of stress. I will not go into great detail, but suffice it to say that I experienced great trauma, tragedy, threats and significant sources of stress while living with my mother. Some of these things were because of choices my mother made and some were because other people made bad choices. However through it all I saw my mother push on, trying to make her life better even if she never quite got it right. I learned that tomorrow is another day and another opportunity to try again. I learned that happiness does not come from the situation you are in, it comes from inside of you. I learned to pick myself up and try again. Even though I would not wish my childhood on anyone, I would not trade it. It taught me to be independent and strong. The experiences I went through have made me who I am today. For that I am grateful.
To be a decent cook. My mother could be a good cook if she took the time to do it. When she was in a hurry or impatient it was not that good. I do the same thing. I tend to get sidetracked or impatient and can burn things. But if I take my time and do it from scratch, like she taught me, it can be a good meal. Three of my favorite meals are meals she taught me to cook. Lasagna, her best meal, I use her recipe to this day. Goulash, think I will make some today. Potato soup, one of my favorites in the winter. She made her own spaghetti sauce from scratch. I remember smelling the sauce simmer all day long. It was fabulous. We always teased that she could not cook, but really we did not go hungry. She could throw together a meal out of basically nothing. That has helped me more times than I can count.
Organization. OK those of you who know me well will laugh at that. But really she did teach me how to be organized. I just struggle with it. She was organized. She kept a clean house and knew where everything was. She started everyday with a cup of coffee, a cigarette, paper and pen. She would make a to do list every day. She would cross of her accomplishments. I do that as well. I am a list maker and I learned that from her. I also learned that making lists and crossing off my accomplishments helps me feel productive. Maybe that is why she did it?
Creativity. My mom taught me to be creative. My mother taught me to sew at a young age. She used to sew for us a lot. I wanted a vanity once. My mother made one for me out of fruit crates, fabric curtains she sewed and painted wood for the top. She hung a mirror on the wall above it. I did not feel cheated because she did not buy me a new one. In fact I loved it and loved her for making it for me. My mother taught me to buy things second hand and fix them up. I learned to look at things not only for what they were but for what I could make them become. It has given me much joy in my life. I am proud to say that I furnish my home Early American Garage Sale. I love the hunt for that perfect piece. I love the process of making something work for me. I love that I can save money this way.
The value of work. (I know I said 5 things, but I wanted to add one more) We never had much money, but I never really felt like we were poor. I always felt like we had what we needed. My mother taught me to appreciate having a job and how to stretch a dollar. I had a paper route when I was 9. Then when I was 12 I bused tables at the restaurants she worked at. The waitresses would pay me with tips, food and drinks. Mom taught me how to get a job, she showed me how to fill out an application and explained an interview to me. I went to my first interview when I was 15 and got a job at a local theater. I got it because I had worked in a Mexican restaurant with my mom before and learned to speak a slang street Spanish to the locals. It was a most coveted position. It was great because I could see all the movies, free popcorn, pop and all the kids in school came there. I loved it! I learned to save to buy what I wanted with my own money. I learned that if I wanted something I needed to work for it.

I miss my mom. She was my best friend. I loved her. I grieved the loss of her a couple of years before she ever died. The death of her mother in 1989 changed her and that year I not only lost my grandmother, but I also lost my mother. I am so grateful for the influence she had on me. I am grateful for this opportunity to think about her in a positive way. Love you mom.

I hate it when exercise is the answer.......

2010-01-08T12:52:00.000-06:00

I received this book for Christmas this year, it was on my wish list. I just love it. It is a quick easy read, however reading it is not the only thing to do with this book. This book gives the reader 31 tasks to do while reading the book. I decided that I liked it so much that I would blog about my experiences as I accomplish the tasks outlined in the book.

First as a brief introduction to the author, the book and the tasks in it: Emily Watts is a member of my church, so we have the same basic belief system. She is a grandmother, I am not yet, but old enough to be. :) What I have read about her I like. Her writing shows a great sense of humor and she seems like someone I would like to know. On my blog I will include her site and you can read about her for yourself. Now the book is subtitled "A Fitness Program for the Soul". The title intrigued me because of course I have been told so many times that exercise is the answer to what ails me. LOL I guess it is true not only for my body but for my soul too.

What Sister Watts says prompted her to write this book was she had hurt herself and was sent to a physical therapist for help. While the therapist was performing his torture, he mentioned that the exercises he was going to give her would help her to strengthen her core. He told her as long as her core muscles were weak they could not do what they were supposed to do and the result would be pain. He told her once she got her core strong her other muscles should feel better.

She says the phrase "strengthen the core" was an epiphany for her. She said "When the core is strong, everything works as it should. When it's weak, life is harder than it needs to be."

I do not know about you, but that was powerful for me. It really made me think. I know it is a true statement. My faith has helped me cope so many times. But like everyone else, I need a reminder and need to improve. Thus reading this book.

I will be writing about some of the tasks I will do. I do not plan to write about all of them as some are personal. I will write about them in no particular order, so if you get the book, do not try to follow with my thought process as you do the tasks. :) It really is all about me, or you if you do the tasks laid out. So if you want to continue with me on this journey, read the next blog. I will do the tasks in separate blog entries. I hope to strengthen my core in more ways than one.

I have always craved sunshine

2010-01-07T19:39:00.002-06:00

now I know why. I long for the days when I used to lay in the sun and just absorb the heat. I want to do it right now in fact. It is so cold right now I can hardly stand it. But here is one more article on Vitamin D deficiency. I am so excited about taking Vitamin D and the stuff I am learning about it that I am going to become a broken record this year. I am goign to be an advocate for making sure my family takes their Vitamin D. Wow is all I can say.

http://pajamasmedia.com/blog/sunshine-vitamin-d-and-death-by-scientific-consensus/?print=1

New Year

2010-01-07T08:50:00.005-06:00

It is 2010! Wow last year went fast. I was just looking over my last year of blogging, not too many entries. I did make one last January in regards to the beautiful snow. Well let me say that my opinion has changed slightly this year. I am sick and tired of the cold and the snow. I am ready for summer right now. But I do have to admit it is pretty. I just really want the kids to go back to school and to get some semblance of sanity back in my house. Not really sure that will happen but it is worth a shot.

Now on to my new year goals. I am starting a new blog about my crafting. I love doing paper crafting including but not limited to scrap booking and card making. In fact I have started selling Stampin' Up products to try and support my hobby. So I am going to start a blog to display some of my creations and to share ideas that I find fun to do. I will put the link on this page when it is up and running. This is my number one goal this year to devote time to my creative side.

My number two goal is to work on our family togetherness and happiness. That does sound vague but I have more specific things in mind for that. For example, eating one meal a day together as a family. We have set goals as a family to accomplish certain activities for the year together. (I will put those on the blog when we are done with the goal list.) We are making a list of 10 things we want to do as a family this year. The activity cannot cost much and it must include everyone. Then I am going to make a scrapbook page for each activity. When the year is up we will have a record of these activities for us to look back on. It will be good to see what we can accomplish as a family when we work together.

Number three goal is to become healthier. Of course this goal is the reason I started this blog in the first place. Right now I have reached a point in my life when my health is affecting my ability to do everyday activities. I cannot even stand in my kitchen to prepare dinner without feeling extreme fatigue and pain. The worst part is the way my brain has not been working like it used to. I thought I was getting dementia or Alzheimer's. Really it was beginning to worry me. So much so that I have resigned as PTA President at my son's school. That was not an easy decision to make.

The last few months have been really bad for my health. I have basically been sick since I got pneumonia in September. I am not complaining just explaining. I have experienced a variety of symptoms. Extreme fatigue, muscle spasms, pain in all my joints, forgetfulness, and iritis (eye inflammation), to name a few. My doctors have tested me for many things thinking I may have an auto immune disorder, even got some positive results. So I have been referred to a rheumatologist again.

However, I could not get into the rheumatologist for some time, so I pressed my family doctor to rerun my blood work. Originally my eye doctor ran my blood work. My family doctor even stated that I may have fibromyalgia. Boy was she excited when my blood work came back the week of Christmas. Turns out I have several vitamin deficiencies. According to her these vitamin deficiencies are such that they can give me all my symptoms. Wow! how weird. So my new goal of getting healthy will include getting in all my supplements.

Now the deficiencies are such that she said that it is something that my body has been lacking for several years in order to get to this point. Some of the deficiencies are due to my stomach condition which probably has lead to my inability to absorb all the nutrients from my food. What deficiencies do I have you want to know.

Vitamin D
Vitamin B12
Folic Acid

Not only can these deficiencies contribute to the symptoms I have been experiencing most recently but also to my depression and anxiety. I did not know that these things can do so much to your body. I am taking supplements for the vitamin d and folic acid and getting shots for the b12. The doctor said I am so deficient that it will take 3 to 6 months before I will really start to feel a difference and feel better. However, emotionally I feel so much better. I see a light at the end of the tunnel and am hopeful that by the end of 2010 I will be a healthier me.

I am including in my side bar links to places to get more information about these deficiencies. Check them out. These deficiencies are becoming more prevalent in the US. If you are experiencing any of the symptoms that it can cause have a simple blood test done. You might be surprised at what you find out. I sure was.

Not blogging

2009-03-31T09:07:00.002-05:00

I have been giving some thought to why I do not blog more often. I have received many emails regarding my lack of blogging. I used to be obsessed with reading every one's blogs and wanted to be a writer of a fabulous blog. However, I have fallen off that and even have found that I do not read the blogs as much anymore. So today I decided to catch up on a couple of blogs. While reading some of my dearest friend's blogs, I realized something. Blogs are great for keeping in touch with someone who lives far away. But when you read a blog of a friend who lives less than 10 miles away to keep in touch, there is a problem. As I was reading these blogs I got more and more upset at the fact that I only live about 8 miles away and I did not even know some of these important things going on in their lives. I had to stop reading the blogs because I got angry. Then I had to stop and think "Why are you angry?". I am angry at myself for not being a better friend and knowing about these things that are going on in their lives. I am angry because I am hurt that I am not included in their lives as much anymore. I am angry because I miss my friends. I miss my old ward, I miss the familiar. It is hard to move and start new. I did not think it would be that different. It is not like we moved to another state. We did not even leave the county. But it is a different town, a different school, different neighborhood, different church building and ward. Might as well be a different world. It has been a good move for us as a family. The kids are doing really well in school and church. I absolutely love the home we live in. I love the neighborhood. I am very active in the schools. I serve on the PTA board at both schools. So why does it bother me to read about my friends lives in their blogs? Well I can say this, there used to be a time when a letter was addressed to just you. People used to take time to visit on the phone or in person. But now I think that blogging has taken the place of communicating to an individual person. It is more efficient to get it all said at one time. I guess I am too old school. This last Sunday our Bishop addressed a problem that is not just a problem in our ward. He said that many people are texting during classes and meetings. He asked that we teach our children to put away their phones and to not text during classes or meetings. My husband said that very day he had to have a girl put up her phone in his Sunday School class, because she was busy texting. The youth are texting during Mutual to each other in other rooms. I feel like blogging, texting, twittering or what ever you call it is taking the place of communicating face to face or making a phone call. I long for the good ole days when I would get a letter in the mail. My mother was a great letter writer. I have many letters from her telling me about her days and happenings in her life. I cherish those letters. They are in her handwriting, her thoughts and feelings that she wrote for just me. There is love in the words she took the time to write me. I miss her. I miss letter writing. I think I am going to start writing letters to my friends today. Not email, not blogging, but a true letter in my handwriting. Enough ranting for one day.

Gratitude

2009-01-16T07:40:00.003-06:00

I am grateful for a warm house with a view of the beautiful snow. The world looks newly baptized all covered in white. It is so beautiful. Who cares how cold it is? It is warm from my room.

so much for resolutions

2009-01-14T15:45:00.005-06:00

Not even half way into the first month of the year and already I have broken my resolution to write in my blog once a week. Maybe if I write a couple of more blogs I can make up for my nonwriting. Or maybe I should rework the resolution. What if I say I will write 52 entries this year. That way I can try and write once a week, but if I end up writing more than once a week and not the next week, I can still keep my resolution. The basic reason for the resolution was to make me get into the habit of writing more often.

Now on to the real blog. I was reading a friend's blog and she was responding to another friend's blog of a tag game of sorts. So the way the tag works is this. First you pick your fourth picture from your fourth picture file. Then you google search your name with the word "needs" after it. You put the first ten responses in your blog. So here goes.

My picture is a picture of my husband and his brother, Joe. Joe was one of Jim's younger brother's. He passed away unexpectedly in December just before Christmas in 2002. (I think it was 2002) Anyway, this picture is of Jim and Joe shaking hands at a car wash. The story behind this is they were headed to their grandma's funeral in Utah, stopped in Colorado. Joe saw this tourist (who spoke German) and the tourist seemed lost. So Joe hooked the tourist up with Jim, who speaks German and they had a fine conversation. Why they had stopped at a car wash I do not know. Also why they took a picture of the event is beyond me as well. Probably Joe's idea, just to be funny. Because Joe was a fun guy. He always made me laugh. Also take note of my darling husband's hair color and quantity.

Now for the google search part of the tag.

1. Kathy needs to give herself more credit. Well, that is too true. I don't give myself enough credit for all the good I do. LOL :)

2. Kathy Needs. Singer / Songwriter
All original music written and performed by Kathy Needs. Her style is a mix of country and southern rock. Her heartfelt writings along with her sense of humor will keep your attention and leave you wanting more. A songwriter that has many songs in her portfolio for other artists who are looking for material to record. Well who knew? not me. I do like country music, so maybe I would like her stuff.

3. Kathy needs more attention. No doubt.

4. Kathy needs to be back on the red carpet. Did not know I had ever been there, but how fun would that be? I would love the opportunity to have people who would get me a fancy dress, do my hair and makeup for a night on the red carpet. whoo hoo!

5. Kathy needs to sue this company. Well I cannot think of any company that I need to sue right now. Can I sue WW for not helping me lose more weight? Really wish we had sued the lady who hit Jim on the motorcycle. That accident really messed up his knee and he hasn't been the same since.

6. Kathy don't need to be with anyone who looks like he takes more time in a mirror than she does. Well I guess I have that covered. Enough said.

7. Kathy needs a vacation, maybe Nevada. NO not Nevada. That is not a vacation. I hated living in Nevada and would never go there on vacation. My idea of a vacation would be a really nice hotel with room service, cable and a hot tub right now. Also would love an opportunity to go to Arizona to visit my pal Stef. Or even to Texas to see King Tut. I have so many ideas that are much better than Nevada!

8. Kathy needs your spooky stories. Well I do like a spooky story. But this Kathy lives in the UK and claims to be a clairvoyant. She wants people to share their stories with her. http://www.thisislincolnshire.co.uk/news/Things-bump-villagesarticle-535233-details/article.html

9. Kathy needs advice. I will listen to any advice, not sure that I will take any. But right now I am open for ideas on how to get organized.

10. Kathy needs a lobotomy and therapy. Many people may agree with this.

11. (I am doing 11, because one of the Kathy needs is a person) Kathy needs help. I do need help, I do. They say the first step is admitting it.

Ok well here is my list. Tag you are it. Let me know if you do the game. It was actually kind of fun.

Also did Katherine needs:

1.Katherine needs to be talked with.

2. Katherine needs understanding.

3. Katherine needs some rules to follow.

4. Katherine needs another coat.

5. Katherine needs to learn how to pass notes.

6. Katherine needs her morning coffee. (well not coffee, but Mt. Dew)

7. Katherine needs to cover up her face with a halloween mask. Well that is just down right mean.

8. Katherine needs more dresses. (I can agree with this. You can never have too many dresses, unless they are ugly dresses.)

9. Katherine needs a new couch. ( I could use one for the den.)

10. Katherine needs discussion. (Nope I am done discussing.)

Couldn't sleep

2008-12-17T05:45:00.004-06:00

I had a hard time sleeping last night. When I did sleep I dreamt of dead people. My dreams were filled with my dead relatives and some live ones. But mostly my mother and father. So I decided I needed to blog this am.

I have had several significant deaths in my family. My grandmother passed away in December 1989. My mother passed in August 1993. A cousin who was my age died in October 2006. My father passed in November 2006. One of Jim's brothers died in December 2003 (I think that was the year, I cannot recall for sure.) These deaths have affected me. I have been to several funerals over the years, seems like more as I age. But my grandmother, mother and father hit me the hardest. I plan to blog a tribute to each of them later.

I decided last night that I am not in a good place right now. Symptoms have been coming on. But right now I am an emotional sponge. When I am in this place I am easily pushed over the edge with my emotions. Because of this I have decided I cannot go to Megan Kitchen's funeral. I am so sorry for all who mourn her and for all who have been affected by this tragedy. Words cannot do justice to how badly I feel on behalf of these people. I am sure that Lori will understand, she knows of my past mental health issues. She is a loving friend so I have decided to support her in other ways. I hope that others will understand when they do not see me at the funeral today. I know that I have to watch out for my mental health as I have struggled with this illness for way too long to not recognize the signs. I have to keep myself in a place that is safe and calm. I want to be here with my family and not in the spa. I will blog more later.

A life changing event

2008-12-14T21:03:00.009-06:00

I have regained my composure enough to blog about my feelings. Yesterday I found out that friends from my old Stake/Ward lost their 17 year old daughter in a car accident on Friday night. Their daughter, Megan was a beautiful, active, righteous young lady. She was in a car with 2 young men from the Liberty Stake.
http://www.kansascity.com/115/story/936108.html

Physically the young men have minor injuries, mentally will be a different story. I feel so bad for Megan's family. I know that they have experienced much pain in the past couple of years. I also know that we have the same faith in forever families and faith in a loving Heavenly Father. There is nothing that I can say to help. There is nothing I can do to help. All I can say is I am sorry and I love you. I will do whatever is needed of me to help. I pray that their family will feel peace and comfort during this time. I cannot even fathom, nor do I wish to imagine, the pain they are feeling.

The first thing I wanted to do was see my children and so we talked, hugged and kissed. My oldest finally returned my call today. I do not think he understood my desire to hear his voice and know that he was alright. I cannot explain it. I just needed to know. Now that he is married and living on his own starting a new life, I do not see him as much. I know he is busy, but it is hard for me at times. I just want to see him and his wife. Recently he graduated from the fire academy. He is still searching for a full time position as a fireman. Part of me wants him to find that position because I know it would make him happy. Part of me wants him to stay safe and never find a job as a fireman. I know selfish huh? I cannot help worrying, it is part of who I am. I just try to not think about it. I am pretty good at ignoring things. I am an expert at that, but I digress.

I feel badly for the boy who was driving and the other boy who also survived. It is a hard road that they will travel. I pray for them and their families. I pray that they will know forgiveness. I pray that they will forgive themselves.

When I was 19 and had only been driving less than 6 months I had a very bad car wreck. I was driving a huge 4 door 8 cylinder car for the first time. The car belonged to my boyfriend. We had been to the lake on a beautiful July day in Nevada. I was driving, my boyfriend was in the front seat, in the back was a married couple with their 6 month old daughter. It was 1981, we did not have seat belts in the car and no law about car seats. We had our windows open, no air conditioning. The feel of the wind blowing through the car was fabulous. We had the radio on loud. We were talking and laughing. We were having fun. I was driving way too fast and tried to pass a van on I-80 going east from Reno towards Winnemucca. I hit the shoulder made of sand, the girl in the back seat screamed. I remember it was really loud and then total silence. Eerie silence and total darkness. I thought I was dead, but then I smelled sage brush. A smell that I have never really liked and I thought, "I cannot be dead because God would not put sagebrush in Heaven." (Yes, I thought I would go to heaven. Funny it did not occur to me that I was in hell with the sage brush!) I heard someone say "Where is Kathy?". Then someone else said "oh no she is under the car". Then screaming "she's dead!" I thought to myself "I am not dead but I will be if I do not get out of here." I suddenly could not breathe and started to panic. I realized where I was and that the darkness was the roof of the car in my face. I tried to turn my face just a little to the right and I could see light. I realized my feet were sticking out from under the car. I had no shoes on. (lost my flip flops) I thought of the scene in the Wizard of Oz when the witch is under the car and her shoes disappear and her feet shrivel up because she is dead. (my boyfriend and I had seen the movie in Reno at the MGM Grand theater just a couple of days before.) In my panic I realized I needed to let them know I was alive if I wanted to stay that way. I began to wiggle my feet and tried to scream. I could not get enough breath to scream. Suddenly I heard voices scream "she's alive, lets get this car off her!" Then release I could breathe and see. Several truckers had stopped and proceeded to lift the huge car off me and then pull me out by my feet. The first thing I did was sit up. Not the smartest move. A ton of blood rushed out of my nose and I passed out. I came to as the paramedics were loading me into the ambulance. David, my boyfriend at the time started telling jokes and telling the paramedics that I would do anything to keep from cooking him a meal. (we were going to have a nice steak dinner at my house that night.) He really helped to ease my fears. By the time we were at the hospital I was laughing. My pastor and the couple from the back seat were there to greet us. The couple caught a ride into town. This was before cell phones. They called the ambulance and sent them to us. Everyone thought I was dead and was very surprised to see me breathing and laughing. I will never forget how grateful I felt when I saw them. They were fine, the only scratch any of them had was on their baby's head from being pulled out of the car through the broken window. A piece of glass scraped the baby's head. But nothing serious. It turned out that David had a broken shoulder and collar bone so they flew him to Reno for surgery. I had a dislocated hip, broken leg,cracked front teeth and concussion. They said the concussion was why I did not remember what happened. According to witnesses I lost control of the car and swerved all over the road. I finally ended up in the meridian having flipped the car on it's hood. I must have flown out the windshield because of the cuts I had all over my head and arms. We landed in sand. That sand saved my life. Witnesses said that they stopped because there was so much dust that they could not see and many of them did not know what had happened. We stopped traffic on both sides of I-80. The police came to the hospital. I got ticketed for reckless driving resulting in an accident. A $25 fine at the time. The police man felt bad giving me the ticket. I was just so grateful that we were all alive. I did not care about the ticket.

We went to see the car after we got out of the hospital. It was totaled. I took a picture, you can see my body imprint on the vinyl hood of the car. I was lucky that the accident did not mess up my face. David said when they pulled me out from under the car, he was afraid that my face would be all mangled. But only my teeth were cracked. I ended up getting a new bridge.

That accident was a real turning point in my life. It changed the course of my life. Many times over the years I have thought how different my life would be if someone had been seriously hurt or killed.

When David got home from Reno, we had a hard time getting to see each other. He lived in the country, I lived in town. I did not have a car and I wrecked his. So we talked on the phone a lot for 3 weeks. Sometimes his little brother would bring him into town to see me. On one of those visits we were talking about how blessed we were that we lived. We decided the we were meant to be together because of this, so we eloped. We called our friends that were in the car with us and they took us to city hall that afternoon. Me in my cast, he in his sling. We got married. Even their baby was there. After when we told everyone, they did not believe us. They had to see the marriage certificate before they believed it. My church and our friends threw us a reception and we started our lives together. We got married August 1st, 1981. Our son Mike was born on May 25, 1982. David was a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was a member of the Assembly of God. My pastor was so proud that I married the Bishop's son. David came to church with me because he was proud to be a Jack Mormon, as he said. Because of the accident he lost his job. So we moved with my Mom and step-Dad to Las Vegas for employment. There I called the missionaries to investigate the Church. In September of 1982 I joined the church. David's family came down from Winnemucca for the baptism. His father baptised, confirmed me and blessed our 4 month old Michael. That day I was blessed that I would go to the temple and have my forever family. I truly wanted this. I just did not know it would not be with David. David and I separated when Mike was 9 months old and divorced 10 months later. After our divorce I moved to Iowa to be near my family. I was born in Des Moines and still had lots of family there. My mother and her husband were living in Hawaii at the time. (they traveled a lot for his work.) I wanted to have some space between David and I. He had some major drug and alcohol problems and I needed to be sure Mike and I were safe. So we started a new life in Iowa. I went to college and got a good job. I met Jim (my husband of 20 years) at singles. We were married in 1989 in the Manti Temple. David's family was there. Dwayne, his father and Milt, Jim's father were the witnesses at our sealing. Jim and I had Mike sealed to us in that ceremony. David gave us permission. A missionary in my ward was going home to Las Vegas and he and his father went to David's house. They got a letter from him giving permission to have Mike sealed to us. David's comment was "I won't be in the Celestial Kingdom anyway, what difference does it make to me?" I will be eternally grateful to that missionary and his father. He then came to the wedding with the original letter. He had mailed a copy to us as well. So many things happened in order for me to discover the gospel and to go to the temple with the love of my life.

How different would my life be if someone had died in that car accident?

How beautiful is the healing power of our Savior. He has helped me so many times in my life. Especially during the time after my divorce. I was loved by my church family. I had a fabulous Relief Society President who took me under her wing and loved me at a time when I felt so unworthy of any one's love. She reminded me that I was loved. She reminded me of what was really important in life.

I raised my son for 7 years by myself with the help of Heavenly Father and with the support of loved ones.

I am truly blessed. I am grateful for that terrible accident that changed my life. I am grateful for the Gospel, my family, my friends and my testimony. I am grateful for my faith and love for my Savior, Jesus Christ. I have always had a child like love and faith in Christ. As a child I always went to church even though my family did not. I always found someone to take me. I am grateful for that gift of faith and love. It helped me to accept the truth when I saw it.

Would my life be different if someone had died in that car accident? I am grateful that I did not have to find out. I pray that those boys will come out stronger because of this tragedy. I pray that they will have peace. The kind of peace that can come from our loving Heavenly Father. I pray that they will forgive themselves. I pray that they will feel love and support from those around them.

I am so sorry that this has happened. I pray that all the people touched by this will have the peace and comfort that they need at this time. I bear witness that we can have these blessings at this time. I love my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I close this post in the name of my Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Stalker, peeping tom, follower to flasher

2008-12-12T07:37:00.005-06:00

I have become a bit of a blog stalker. I know that they call it following. But some of the things I read gives me such insight into the writer's life and thoughts that I feel like I am a peeping tom or a stalker. I think that is why I have become reluctant to blog myself. Some of the things I think about blogging are very personal. Not personal in the way that would be improper to share, (like a flasher) but personal in the way that they will reveal things about me that perhaps I do not want to even know myself. So for those of you who have been after me to blog, I am working on it. I know that blogging makes me feel better when I have done it. But blogging is like going to a counselor for me. It is good for me,but it brings up stuff. Viva la stuff. Pain can be good when it leads to growth. Over the years I have spent a lot of time and money trying to grow but it seems I have become an expert at burying my stuff and growing rounder. So my fellow stalkers, be patient with me I am trying to dig out of my stuff.

Organization, waste of time?

2008-09-24T12:08:00.002-05:00

Ok, I have really made an effort to get organized. I bought the Palm Pilot after much research as to what would work best for me. I decided on the Palm because it has a good sized screen and is not too hard to manipulate for my hands. My fingers are not as capable on those smaller keyboards. With the recent demise of my Palm I have been considering other things I do to stay organized. LOL Anybody who knows me, knows I can organize the heck out of anyone else including the worst offices you have ever seen, but to organize my own life is an ongoing struggle. I have a really good friend that I admire and watch in awe. She is so organized that I call her B.O.--Born Organized. She is my hero, I want to be like her when I grow up. But I digress.... In the last couple of days I have had some difficulty finding things. Now these are not big things, but needful just the same. How did I lose them you might ask? Well, I lost them by picking them up and trying to find a home for them. They were laying around and not where they were supposed to be. I picked them up and went to put them away. But now they are not where they are supposed to be and not where they were when I picked them up. I cannot find them anywhere. It is a conspiracy. A conspiracy for me to just stop picking things up. One of the items was something my daughter had left out. I remember picking it up and going to put it away. But when we went to go get it, it was not there. My daughter in her infinite wisdom says "I left it out so I could find it when I needed it, why didn't you just leave it alone?" Good question, why? I don't know, because I have a dream of an organized and clean house. Of a place for everything and everything in it's place. Why is it that we can find things when we don't need them and then when we do they are nowhere to be found?

and just where do all the socks go? Honestly, I just bought my 7 yo son new socks for school. I washed, folded them and put them in his drawers for him. But since the first week of school his socks have disappeared. I do not know where they are, I have looked everywhere. Do they walk off by themselves? Have they been eaten or thrown out? I can only find odds and ends of old socks and one pair of the new ones. When asked what has happened to his socks, he declares ignorance to ever having owned a sock in his life. I just do not know about this. Today in the rain he wore sandals. I hope he likes wet feet and that today was not a gym day. He will be disappointed if they do get to go out at recess today despite the rain. Last night He was telling us that he did not like it when all the kids used to gather around the guinea pig at recess. The teacher had to make a new rule that only two could be with the pig at a time. He liked that rule. We said that is better for the pig because it could be overwhelming to have all those kids around you. He said he didn't know about that, but now he has someone to play soccer with. It's the little things that make a child happy. Someone to play with. Make time to play today. :)

I need to be more careful of what I wish for---because now I am busy, busy

2008-09-20T12:00:00.003-05:00

You have to be careful of what you wish for, you might just get it. I did. I wanted to lose weight and be able to be more busy. Well I have lost some weight, but the busy part has come a little faster than I expected. I need to catch up with the healthy part. lol I really enjoy the things that I am doing, I just need a little more energy.

I have been considering expanding my blog to other ramblings regarding my life. Many events have occurred in my life since my last post. I am going to take this time to catch up on some of those events.

My oldest son graduated from the Fire Academy. I am very proud of him for all the hard work he has put into getting this accomplished. He has worked full-time and gone to the academy. It was a hard road but so worth it. Now on to getting the job of his dreams. While doing the school thing, he also got engaged. I absolutely love his fiance. She is fabulous and makes my son a better man. A mother cannot ask for more than that. I have helped them by making the wedding invitations and will be hosting a bridal shower with my daughter. It has made for a busy time in our home. But a very happy time, too. The wedding is in late October. My 12 year old daughter will be a candle lighter for the wedding. We have already purchased her dress. I have not found a dress as yet. I am hoping to lose another dress size in time for the wedding. However, today I did try on some dresses for the wedding. I was able to get into a size 24 which is great! I just did not like anything that I tried on. LOL :) I do not think that will get any easier, even with weight loss. I just do not like to shop. :)

Recently I went to lunch with some friends of mine. We went to Olive Garden. The last time I had been there, I was embarrassed. The waiter had seated us in a booth and I could not fit and had to ask to be reseated. This time the waitress sat us in a booth again. I hesitated and then tried to sit down. Success! I was able to have our lunch while sitting in a booth. Yeah! Big accomplishment. It was nice to not have to ask to be reseated.

Last week a friend from church passed away. She was a fairly young mother of 2. They believe she passed of a heart attack. She was overweight. It was very sad. I have had such fears of passing that way myself that it really hit me hard. I have 2 children about the same age as hers still at home. What would happen to them i f I were to die right now? It makes me shudder to think of it. Of course we never know when we may die. And my faith in Jesus Christ sustains me in times like these. But this just reinforces to me how I should continue to work hard to be more healthy. Doing my part to be here to finish raising them is definitely a worthy aspiration. My mother died at 50 of a heart attack. Of course I know she had other contributing factors that I do not have. but then I have contributing factors that she did not have. So do they equal out? That big 50 birthday is looming ever closer. I fear that I will not live to see 51 as my mother did not. I do not know how to overcome this fear. I guess I just keep plugging away at trying to improve my health.

I have not accomplished as much as I would have liked to have done by now. But at least I am still trying. This week I bought a Nike armband from my trainer, Mandy.She was surprised by her husband with a Garmin. But I just love the Nike armband. It is even an attractive watch. I have taken to wearing it, just as a reminder to be more conscious of my health. Things that make me happy: my new Nike armband, my shuffle, a good pairs of tennies, my dog and an early moring walk in the crisp air. Woo Hoo! Funny how different it is to be happy about exercise. lol

This time of the year is so beautiful. But why does it always depress me so much? I hate the way I feel right now. I feel the ever looming depression creeping into my days again. I do not know what else I can do to keep it at bay. I absolutely love my house. It has so many windows that I get so much natural light in the rooms. I was hopeful that would really help with the depression. I guess it does, but then I still have that pit feeling that I get. There is no explanation for it, it just is what it is. This is my life, have to deal with it.

Yesterday I woke up to discover my palm pilot (my entire life in a handheld device) having shorted out. It burnt a scorch mark on my night stand, and now will not power up. I contacted Palm and they are having me mail it to them on their dime and maybe I will get a new one out of the deal. Who knows. I am so grateful that it did not catch fire. The back of the unit has a bubbled up piece of plastic and it left an imprint on my nightstand. Palm, wants a picture of the mark as well. I plan to get it in the mail today. But until then, I do not have my calendar. I have been so busy, I put every little thing in my Palm. And recently I have not synced it to my compouter, so the info is not in my computer. I feel really lost without my Palm. So much for getting organized.

Well, I need to get going for now. I will try to write more later. Just know that I am still plugging away at everything.

Memories we share

2008-07-25T09:55:00.003-05:00

Ok a couple of friends of mine are doing this. I have made comments on their blogs, so I am going to do this on my blog. It should be fun. (But then again a little scary to see what type of memories people have about me.) :)

1. As a comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, just anything you remember!

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. If you leave a memory about me, I'll assume you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you.

Thank you.

I get what I want, not what I need

2008-07-22T20:44:00.005-05:00

I have been really busy this summer. As a family we have experienced a little bit of stress, but hey that is life. In my pursuit of a healthier life, I have discovered how important it is to persevere. I have found that when my day is stressful, that I can handle it better if I eat more healthy and exercise. If I give in to cravings for sugar or fatty foods, I not only pay for it on my hips but I do not really feel any better.

Why do I crave things that are not good for me? I do not know. Maybe it is just habit, maybe it is because I have always used food as a comfort. I have always eaten when I am happy, sad, lonely, bored, or to celebrate. Just about every big milestone in my life has included a special food. At holidays we eat certain foods. It just would not be Christmas without cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning, chocolate covered cherries, candy canes or cookies. Thanksgiving has to include lots of different foods and eating until you cannot move! Valentines is for candy, St. Patrick's day is corned beef, 4th of July is ice cream and fried chicken. Family gatherings include special dishes that you only get at that time. I have a sister-in-law that makes the best sugar cookies, another who makes delicious rolls, my father-in-law makes a fabulous brisket, a niece who makes the greatest fluff, sister-in-laws that make mints that melt in your mouth (only for special occasions) and yet another sister-in-law who makes yummy cinnamon rolls (she even leaves out the nuts, because of our allergies. I always think that is so thoughtful that she remembers and makes that effort to make sure we can eat them). My husband loves to cook for me when I am feeling down and he is a great cook. I really could go on and on. But it is not just the food. I look at many of these times in my life with a great deal of fondness, and certain foods bring a memory with those feelings. How do you compete with that? How do I find a way to feel those feelings without the food to bring on the memory or the comfort?

You know the song "You can't always get what you want." On many occasions I have told this to my children as well as "it doesn't hurt to want." But you know what? It does hurt sometimes to want something you don't have. It is not a bad thing to hurt. It just depends on how you deal with the hurt. Pain and desire are really good motivators. I have decided to embrace the pain and the desire for something. To use it to change, not drown my sorrows. I am not settling for the next line in that song, which says--"But if you try sometimes, you might find, You get what you need."

I used to say I need to change. I thought that would be enough, but it is not enough. I had to want to change. I have realized that I am not going to get healthy just because I need to get healthy. I want to get healthy! I want to relieve stress in more healthy ways. I want to feel happiness and love beyond chocolate ice cream or a soda pop. I want to look forward to family gatherings without thinking about all the food. I want to feel the satisfaction of reaching my goals. I want to feel the pain of muscles getting fit. I love it when I feel like I have pushed myself when working out. I know that I am changing my body for the better. You know the saying "no pain, no gain". I have come to realize that no pain, no loss.

I have to be willing to make sacrifices for what I want. But sacrifice is not a bad thing. My father used to say "anything worth having is worth working for." He would have loved to hear me say this, he was right. You have to work for anything worthwhile. A person who wants a degree, has to make sacrifices. Maybe they sacrifice getting a better job because a lesser job will work with their school schedule. Or maybe they drive a clunker and live in a one room apartment so they can afford school. Parents make sacrifices in order to have and raise children. It is not an easy job, but it is so worth it. My husband and I have made sacrifices in order for me to stay home with our children. Even though it is the right choice for our family, it has not always been the easiest. So why should I expect or even want the road to a more healthy life to be easy?

Maybe I think that getting fat was easy for me. Well not thinking about what you put into your body and not exercising is easy. But why was I not thinking about those things? It certainly wasn't because I did not know what was good for me. I think I know better than just about anyone, what I should do to be healthy. But changing is not easy. Something Dr. Phil said has made me think. I do not remember exactly what he said, but the gist of it was that you do what you have to do to survive, to get through the crisis you are experiencing. Then you have to face the after effects of the choices you made during stress. Like a bad habit or health changes. In my case both. I developed a really bad habit of turning to food to deal with depression and stress. This resulted in a weight gain and an unhealthy body. It became a cycle. Because gaining weight and being unhealthy lead to depression and the depression led to being fat. So now I am learning new ways of handling depression and stress.

YES the doctors knew what they were talking about when they said eating right and exercising will help your depression and relieve stress. NO WAY! Get out of here! They cannot be right. I have spent a lot of time and energy being angry at those doctors for telling me to watch what I eat and exercise more. For just not understanding. For blaming everything on my weight. I guess I wanted them to do it for me.

I do not know what made the change in my mind. I do not know how or why it clicked for me.I am glad it happened. I know when it happened and I know that I am on the right path. I have decided enough is enough. I am doing it now. I have had my set-backs, but I have not quit. I will not quit. This is not a diet. This is a fight, a fight for my life. This is my life. It is what I do now. I make better more conscious choices about my food intake. I am not perfect, I am human. But I record what I eat, no matter how bad or good it may be for me. I weigh myself. I know how much I weigh. I do not avoid the scale. I weigh and measure my food. I know what I am eating and the calorie count. I actually think about how much food I eat and how much exercise I have done. I think about whether I have eaten too much for the amount of calories I have expended during that day. I enj0y working out. This is way weird.

Why didn't I make these connections earlier in life? How do I keep my children from making the same mistakes I have made? How do I make up for the years of setting a bad example? I do not know. I am working on that. If I show them what I can do by making healthy choices, maybe they will want to make them too. I want them to see me enjoying my new choices. This is not a bad life. Working out is not a chore that I have to do. It is something I do to keep from going insane. LOL It is something I want to do. I am a better mother when I have been able to do something for myself. These days that something is not going out for cheesecake, but going for a walk or to the gym.

I like the new me. I like feeling like I have some control over me. I like how I am handling stress in my life now. I like that I am making things happen, that things are not happening to me. My life is not necessarily any easier or harder than it has been in the past. I still have my weaknesses and my struggles. But it is how I am choosing to deal with them that has changed. I am not the sum total of what has happened to me. I am the person I am because of how I handle what happens in my life. And these days I am handling things with a little more wisdom and determination. I will succeed, because I usually get what I want.

I feel happy

2008-07-07T10:52:00.003-05:00

On Saturday I went the NWWR and walked a little over 3 miles. I walked with my EQ buddy Johnna. Walking with her was so fun that I did not even realize how long we had been walking. We probably could have walked more, but I am still recovering from bronchitis and breathing is important. The air quality that morning was not very good. I blame pollen and fourth of July fireworks. Anyway, walking with Johnna was a joy. She notices flowers, wildlife, even a worm that was crawling on the sidewalk. She pointed out things that I did not notice. It made the walk a great way to start the day. Walking with together gave us a good opportunity to talk. We do not talk as much during EQ. It was really nice getting to know her better. I look forward to more walks with her. Saturday morning when the alarm went off only a couple of hours after I went to bed, I really debated rolling back over to go to sleep. But knowing that Johnna was going to be there expecting me really motivated me to get up and moving. Just one more level of accountability that makes this journey easier. I am so grateful for the new friends that I am meeting. That is definitely an unexpected blessing of this work I am doing. I feel so good today. I went to EQ this am. I worked hard. I laughed and choked because of the bronchitis. Laughing right now makes me cough. I kept saying don't make me laugh. But no success there. That is what makes working out with those ladies so fun: our ability to laugh and have fun while working hard and sweating all over the place. :) I feel really happy today, and that is a good thing. :)

A timely reminder

2008-07-02T10:13:00.003-05:00

I do not know if this is true, don't even really care. Because it is so moving and symbolic of the love we should have for each other. The love that our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have for us. This video really touched me. And it came at a good time. I was just talking to someone this morning about remembering to ask for help from the one who is always with us and willing to help us. Sometimes, it is a good reminder to pray for all things. I tend to think that I have to do it all myself. That it is what Heavenly Father wants me to do. To be independent. I made out the plan to accomplish my goals and I am working towards them, he gave me my abilities. But somewhere along the way, I forget to be grateful and to ask for help. He is willing to help me and yes all things are made possible through him. I am so blessed. I have been humbled and reminded to be grateful.

A son asked his father, 'Dad, will you take part in a marathon with
me?'. The father who, despite having a heart condition, says 'Yes'.
They went on to complete the marathon together. Father and son went on
to join other marathons, the father always saying 'Yes' to his son's
request of going through the race together. One day, the son asked his
father, 'Dad, let's join the Ironman together.' To which, his father
said 'Yes' too.

For those who don't know, Ironman is the toughest triathlon ever.
The race encompasses three endurance events of a 2.4 mile (3.86
kilometer) ocean swim, followed by a 112 mile (180.2 kilometer) bike
ride, and ending with a 26.2 mile (42.195 kilometer) marathon along the
coast of the Big Island . Father and son went on to complete the race
together. View this race at.....

NOW WATCH THIS VIDEO:

http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=8cf08faca5dd9ea45513

When I am thin, I will be .........

2008-07-02T09:35:00.002-05:00

It has been too long since my last entry. Not because I have given up on losing weight. I have just had way too many things going on. I need to find a way to balance it all. I have had a myriad of mini challenges in the last month. Nothing that is serious and nothing that has made me quit, just life. My life has always had challenges and the way I deal with them is what has made up who I am. I am a fighter a survivor. I have fought my way out of many things and plan to survive this new healthy lifestyle. I have not lost any weight recently, but I have not gained any back either. I really just want to make this work. I have done a lot of thinking in the last month about my life. I have met a lot of people along my path and have built up a pretty good support system for myself. These people have been diligent about checking up on me. So just for them, I want them to know I am doing alright. I am still on the path to a healthier life. I still want to rid myself of the extra person I am hauling around. But just because I am trying doesn't mean that I do not have to face the consequences of my bad choices. I am still fighting for my life here. I am still not the healthy person I want to be. And you know what losing weight may not change that about me. I may still have to struggle with my health. I may still have to treat my asthma and other things that I have blamed on being fat. These things may just be what I will have to deal with even when I am thin. So I need to find a way to deal with them in the here and now. And still be able to fit an active life with healthy food choices during all the struggles. I need to not turn to Mt. Dew or chocolate to feed my woes. There are other avenues that actually make me feel better than they do.

I have met a lady who has lost a lot of weight. She has made me think about what it will be like for me when I lose weight. I know that I have said that I am changing what I have put off because of my weight. But I realize that I still play the games in my head. I still make excuses for myself. Like blaming being fat for everything. It has been an excuse to not participate, to not be liked, to not being included, accepted or desired. It has become a shelter for all that is bad in my life. My shield to protect me from the harsh realities of life. Of things that may have nothing to do with my weight and everything to do with me. It has kept me from changing things that I could change even without losing the weight. It has become a way for me to put off living by basically saying to myself "I will be happier when I lose weight." Losing weight is not the fix all. It is not going to make me someone that I am not. I think I will still have the same personality, the same problems. Maybe even some new ones. This is life, it is time to live now and not wait until I lose my weight.

I have such an all or nothing personality. I throw myself into something totally or not at all. I need to find a happy medium. I need to be able to do all that I want to do, and not be so overwhelmed by it all that I give it all up. I am working on this. I believe this will be the hardest part of my journey, balancing it all. Doing it the way I want to, not trying to be perfect. Accepting that I am human and not a super human with super abilities to do it all and do it all now.

I grew up hearing "If you are going to do it, do it right, or don't do it all." and unfortunately I have lived my life that way a lot. I am not saying that trying to do your best is a bad thing. But my best may not be perfect, and it must fit into my whole life. My life as a wife, mother, sister, volunteer, friend, and as a happy person.

So this is where I am today, trying to find a balance. Trying to find out what I really want in my life. What will continue to make me happy. But then again aren't we all trying to do this?

Stand Firm

2008-06-11T16:26:00.003-05:00

A few church friends shared something with me that they heard at their Stake Conference. I hope I can do it justice. I found it an inspiring comment and it really hit home for me. It was something about how all of us are going to have Liberty Jail struggles in our lives. But if we will remember that sometimes all we can do is plant our feet firmly and stay strong, not wavering. Do not worry about going forward, just stay firm and we will get through it. We discussed this and we were all saying how we had always thought if we were not moving forward then we must be going backwards. I have always believed that I had to keep moving forward making strides to the ultimate goal. But sometimes life is overwhelming and it takes all I have to just stand firm. I like that, I can actually think of times when I have stayed the course not going back or forward. But I always thought that I had not done as well as I should have if I had just kept moving forward. But now I can see that sometimes planting your feet and standing firm is an important part of our progression. I can even use this in my weight loss journey. I have not failed if I have not lost weight in the last few weeks. As long as I have stayed firm in my resolve to keep treading along and have not gained back my weight. I feel that is successful. I am going to have trials and temptations, but I need to sometimes just stand firm. Yeah for planting my feet and standing firm to my convictions! I really like this idea. No more beating myself up, or feeling like I am not good enough.

In the middle..........

2008-06-10T16:01:00.004-05:00

Wow, it has been way too long since I have blogged. I did not realize it was so long. I have been so busy. I moved my family into a new home. Which we absolutely love!

I have been trying to keep up on my walking and I have been using Calorie Counter to watch my food intake. I have had so many things go on in the last few weeks. My children got out of school which totally threw my schedule out the window. With the move and no school, I was having a hard time getting to EQ. When EQ ended for that session I decided I needed to change it up and attend some night classes. Whew, I really dislike working out at night. I am so tired by then I have no energy. I do not know if I will adjust to this type of schedule. But it is what will work so I can be home with the kids when they are home. That is why I am a stay at home mom. But let me say that if I could get it together enough to find care for my youngest so I could work out during the day, that would definitely be my preference.

So I joined a night class that Mandy is teaching. It is pretty good and it is a different bunch of ladies. I will definitely get a good workout, but I miss my former EQ buddies. I am going to try and attend EQ classes now and then and pay as I go to them.

I went to a friends party the other evening. It was great to see people I haven't seen in awhile. I had a really good time. It was really nice to hear the compliments on how I look. I know I am skinnier, my clothes, weight and measurements are proof. But you know when you look in the mirror and still see the old fat lady that has always looked back at you, it is hard to remember how good you are doing. It has been tough. I am a person who does really well with a routine and I had gotten into a routine of EQ and working out all the time. But then with the move and the kids home, it wasn't working for me. I felt like a failure. I decided I needed to reevaluate ways to get what I want. You know, when you are used to doing for everybody else it is easy to just do for them and forget about you. That is the old me. This is where I usually give up, feeling like a failure and quit. Then I gain all the weight plus some back. Not this time. I decided I needed to find a way to make it work and get what I need/want and still fulfill my family's needs/wants. Mandy even talked to me about alternatives and thus the new schedule was born.

Right now, I feel much better about it. I can do this, even if I do not do it the same way I thought it had to be done in the beginning. I am in this for the long haul and there are always going to be complications and things to work out. I just need to remember that this is a life long change and I need to make it work forever, so here we go. On to the middle part of my journey, I think it just might be the most difficult yet. The part where the new has worn off, the weight is not dropping off as fast, I have to work harder for what I want and life gets in the way.

A Friend sent me an edirections that summed this up, and really hit home for me. I got this after I had made my own discovery. But it just reaffirmed for me that I was on the right path.

IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED,
TRY SOMETHING ELSE

No, this doesn't mean give up. Quite the contrary, if what you're doing today to reach a wellness goal doesn't seem to be working for you, look at different ways to get where you want to go.

Sometimes you may feel stuck doing things the way you've always done them. By taking a few simple steps, you can make changes in your wellness improvement process.

1. Get more information. What's being said today about good nutrition? Do you need to exercise more than half an hour three days a week to see results? What does the research say about getting a good night's sleep?

2. Change your thinking. Stephen Covey (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People) said, "The way we see the problem is the problem." If you can't seem to change your thinking on your own, find someone who can help you see your situation with fresh eyes.

3. Take a break. Sometimes a short holiday away from your improvement journey will give you new perspective.

Challenge yourself this week. Look for one new piece of information about the "wellness lifestyle" every day.

I am STRONGER!

2008-05-17T09:53:00.008-05:00

You know the saying

"That which does not kill you, makes you stronger..."

Well I am still alive after the Hillcrest Walk/Run. It was 3 miles of hills and torture. I thought those hills were going to kill me. But no I am just stronger for making it through. I did pretty good as I did the walk in about an hour. Which for me was good with those hills, and I even stopped to talk to a friend after a really bad hill. She was having a garage sale. I did not shop, but I did talk. Just long enough to get a second wind and continue on. It feels good to have done it. I am proud of myself. Last night was Worlds of Fun Night for my DH's company. It is when his company gets the park for the night, they feed us and let us go on most rides for free. It is usually something I beg off from doing. It is something that I have not been able to do in the past. I used to get tired from walking from the parking lot, I would hold everyone up from having fun. I always had to get into the park through the handicap entrance because I was too wide for the turnstiles. Well last night I walked through the turnstiles. Mind you I had to turn sideways, but I did it! I even rode on 3 rides. The fury of the Nile, the canoe ride and some other ride that spins around really fast while you stand there. I had a great time. We did walk and walk and walk, and lots of standing. That concrete is a killer on the feet and knees over a long period of time. We got in after midnight. So I was exhausted this morning. Someone in my house called me crazy for going to do the walk this am. I said no

crazy is when you do the same thing over and over and expect a different result.

I am doing something different, expecting different results.

I am so proud of me for doing it. For doing it all, for keeping my commitments and following through. It is a really great feeling. And I met a lot of nice people. This all makes me so happy. YEAH!

I feel skinny today........

2008-05-15T13:34:00.006-05:00

What a glorious day! I feel skinny today. What is that all about, you may be asking. Well usually I feel fat. But not today. This morning I was playing some music and my youngest son and I started dancing. It was so fun. I went to work out today. I wore my new shorts that I purchased at Target! A FIRST FOR ME! Not only have I not worn shorts in years, but I bought them at Target in the Athletic department. Mind you the only piece of clothing I have bought from Target for myself is socks. They just do not carry fat lady clothes. These shorts are the largest size for women they carry XXL but they fit. They are also that fabric that wicks away moisture, very cool. They are very comfortable. WAY EXCITING! I also bought a pair of capris from another store in a size 22/24. Two months ago I bought capris in 30/32. I am so excited. I can hardly stand it! When I look in the mirror I look top heavy now. I used to look way round, but now I think I look top heavy. But I am losing weight and inches. I cannot wait until the end of May to see if I make my 10% goal and see how things fit. Mandy thinks that by the end of the summer I could have lost 50 pounds total. Wouldn't that be great? I do not want to put too much emphasis on the goal weight because it is really about the everyday goals of working out, eating right and drinking my water. It is about the journey of making my life better, and more fun! I really feel motivated today. I have so much to do, so right now I have to go, but I just had to blog. Later.

Not a Diet!

2008-05-13T15:24:00.005-05:00

Today has been an eventful day. My car would not start. Actually last night it would not start. Not so fun, considering we just had it in the shop last week and spent quite a lot of money on it. Thank goodness for the rebate check, most of it spent on the car. :) Anyway, I digress. But since no car, I had to walk the kid to the bus stop and it was so beautiful this am that I took a short walk after. I had lots of things to do at home, but the call of the road was strong. It was nice. This whole day I have felt the effects of Mandy's new workouts. LOL :) I have new pains in my thighs. Quite nice. Usually I feel my walks in my shins. Not today. :) Then in the mail I received a post card from my WW leader. I was not at my usual meeting this last week and I am sure she wanted to encourage me. She said "Kathy, Never ever give up!" I had to email her and let her know that I had not given up. I have her email address because I gave her my blog and she emailed me back in regards to it. But I wanted her to know that I am not giving up. I am in this for the long haul, the rest of my life. This is not a diet it is a new way of life for me. I am making changes that I will do for the rest of my life. NO giving up! I have come to far and have so much more life to live. Yeah!

New tortures via Mandy

2008-05-12T18:53:00.004-05:00

Mandy went to conference this weekend and came back with new forms of torture. Actually, it was fun learning new exercises. She brought back some gliders that we used on our feet and bicycled while doing crunches. Anything to do with my abs is torture to me. I feel it the worse. But I see people who are in really good shape that do crunches and make faces the whole time. So I think it is never going to be a breeze. :) But as they say no pain no gain. lol :) We also did some leg lifts and those were awesome. The music started to play Billy Jean by Michael Jackson. And it made me feel peppy and make the workout easier to do. :) I love listening to tunes while working out. Actually I love listening to music all the time. I got to thinking this weekend that last week I did not take much time to listen to music. That may have affected my mood. I am going to make an effort to listen to music everyday, because it really does lift my mood. My mother used to listen to music all the time. In fact you could always tell what kind of mood she was in by her choice of music. If it was hard rock, watch out....she was usually in a bad mood. Country was always her more mellow choice. I like country because that is what I grew up with, but I also love other types of music. I like up beat fast music for working out and for cleaning house. You may have noticed a new addition to my blog page. One of my sister-in-laws mentioned I needed a countdown to my weight loss. I looked up tickers and put one on the side. It tells what my goal is and my current weight loss amount. I am excited, a great idea, and it wasn't even mine. But I may also put a ticker up for exercise, first I need to set a goal for how many miles I want to accomplish. I was thinking a total from now until my 1/2 marathon, then I could just mark off each mile towards the goal of x amount of miles. Watch for further ticker information. Well I need to get going to serve the family some dinner.

feeling better

2008-05-10T08:23:00.002-05:00

I am feeling less depressed. The family and I have had the stomach flu and physically I am still not feeling 100%. I am hoping to rest this weekend so that I can be up to par next week and work out.

Yesterday I went to WW in Gladstone. I wanted to go. I needed the push and I wanted to weigh in. I do not like missing my meetings. So in I went. I am so glad I did. They were talking about the expenses of being overweight compared to losing weight. One man had said that he used to pay $1500 a month on medicine between his wife and himself. Now he pays $150 a month just for himself. Can you imagine what a raise that is? How fabulous is that? Many medical conditions are brought on by weight gain. They also discussed the exhibit at the Science Center and how it has encouraged more than one of them to lose weight. They said that seeing diseased organs and reading all the stuff that obesity can do to your body, really motivated them. I do not know that would help me. It is not like I am oblivious to the hazards of obesity. and seeing it up close just may depress me more. But I know that I am doing something to change my life now. Is very encouraging to me. It was good to hear the other people talk about their efforts. The leader encouraged us to remember the little things and to remember to be grateful for them. That the little improvements will help us to achieve the big goals.

I want to take some time to express some gratitude. I need to remember the things that I am doing right and be grateful for the strides I am making. First off, I weighed in yesterday and I have lost 27 pounds! It is fabulous. In less than 2 months I have lost 27 pounds! It is so weird. A lady at WW said that even after 50 pounds of weight loss she did not feel any different. I cannot believe that. She just doesn't remember what it was like to have those 50 pounds. I know that I feel so much better than I did 2 months ago. 27 pounds may only be a portion of what I need to lose, but it has made a big difference. A difference in the way I feel, the way my clothes fit, the way I look, how energized or tired I feel, the way I can do so much more than I ever could before. I was noticing that working out with the girls isn't as hard as it used to be. Of course that means I need to step it up. But Mandy is good to say, is that too easy? Maybe you need a heavier weight. :) I also notice that I can walk at faster speeds than I used to with out it totally killing me. These are good things. I can walk stairs and I do not feel like dying. These are all things to be grateful for. I have met and made some fabulous Friends. People who are there for me, people who encourage me and support me. I love the new life I am carving out for myself. I love being more active in my community and making new friends. It is a fabulous side effect of my new life. I plan to keep plugging away at this. I want to lose 3 more pounds by the end of May. That will be my 10% goal. Now it won't be my 10% goal for WW, because I started WW after I had already lost some weight. But who knows maybe by my wedding anniversary in June I will have the 10% goal for WW. I am feeling good. Woo Hoo!

Depression......

2008-05-07T08:23:00.003-05:00

It has been too long since my last post. I have been in a slump. I have felt so depressed. It is just annoying. When I feel like this it is a struggle to do anything, even the things I love to do. I have suffered from depression since I was a teenager. Did not get diagnosed until my thirties. But it has been my biggest struggle in my life. It affects every aspect of my life. I know that it contributed to my weight problem. And my weight problem contributes to my depression. So it is a vicious circle. :) I am really struggling. Day to day my feelings change. I feel depressed one day and then the next I feel better and try to catch up on what I did not get done the day I was depressed. Then if I cannot get caught up, I feel depressed. I have to give myself a break. I am so hard on myself. I have to remember that I am doing so much better than I have done in the past. I have to remember the good things I have accomplished and how it makes me feel. I have set up a great support system. It is just hard to reach out when you feel depressed. It is so much easier to just shut down instead of reaching out. I have to remember that it is better for me to reach out. To do my best to take care of me. To exercise and eat right. These things make me feel good. Why oh why is is so hard to do what makes me feel good? I sometimes think that I must not think I deserve to feel good. Wait, maybe I am on to something there. I am going to have to consider this thought more. My self talk it hideous. I put myself down so much. I am so hard on me. I never would expect anyone else to live up to the expectations I have for myself. And when I fail to meet my expectations, I beat myself up for it. Then I quit. Today, I have set the goal of taking a walk and drinking my 6 glasses of water. I will do it. I know it will make me feel better. I will write more later.

Oh What a beautiful morning.......

2008-04-23T13:56:00.004-05:00

I am so blessed to live in Liberty. What a wonderful little town. The city has many parks and trails. There is one trail only about 1/2 mile from my house. I took the dog for a walk this morning. We walked to the trail and then down the trail for about 1/2 an hour. Then we came home. So we walked for about an hour. It was so beautiful. The trail is wooded on both sides with a nice path. There is running water throughout the trail. The sound of running water is very soothing. I took my Ipod for tunes, but decided against listening to them. I just enjoyed the sounds of nature this am. Mitzy was very excited to get to go for a walk again. I thought she would run and hide, but she was falling all over herself trying to get out the door. She is doing really good on the walks too. She isn't barking like she used to at everyone including pets. It is fun to go for walks with her. Although squirrels still get to her. She wants to chase them down. I saw so many beautiful birds today. It was a very enjoyable walk. The only problem, I had no idea how far I had walked. I looked online at the city's website for trail info, no luck. So I called and they have a map with mileage. I went and got a couple. One for me and one for the family, they like to bike ride the trails. I think I put in about 3 miles of walking according to the trail I was on and the mileage from my house. Not a bad little jaunt. Will have to do it again soon. :)

Family Fitness Fun

2008-04-19T18:16:00.008-05:00

What a beautiful day this has been. I started my day with my first ever 3 mile walk. I went to the Walk for Life at the Pleasant Valley Baptist Church. My husband and children went as well. I set a goal to accomplish all 3 miles in an hour. That would be three 20 minute miles. I thought that is a good pace for me at this time. So out I went. The kids were going to try and do a 20 minute mile as well, but only 1. My daughter finished her mile in about 15 minutes, she has long legs. My 7 yr old son did his mile in 23 minutes. He has just been diagnosed with asthma and he gets worried about running now. I want to get him out more so he can see he can still do things and breath. I have noticed an improvement in my asthma now that I am working out. I just use my inhaler before I get started and usually do just fine. Today was a little cold in the morning while we were walking. But I warmed right up. The last mile I picked up my pace because I was afraid I was not going to make my goal. I came in at 55 minutes for the 3 miles. I am so proud of myself. It was great fun and I was so pumped after that I just did not know what to do with myself. I am going to participate in the Walk for the Homeless in Liberty on May 17. I am not sure how long it is, but I am going to do it. Look for more updates as the time gets closer. I am out of here, have to take my daughter for a haircut.

Retraining needed......

2008-04-18T15:49:00.006-05:00

Today I sent my daughter and her friend into Quik Trip with my credit card. OK I know a big mistake, but in more ways than one. It was cold and rainy, and I wanted a Diet Coke. I told them they could get a snack for themselves and my younger son. Anyway, they came out with snacks and my diet coke. But their snack was Ben and Jerry's pints of ice cream. First off, I was upset about the amount of money they spent. So I told them they would pay for the Ice Cream.

Then I said, "how many calories are in those pints?"
They said. "260."
I said "let me see them." I began to read it to them: "There are 4 servings of ice cream in these containers and each serving is 260 calories a piece. That equals 1040 calories in one container. " (FYI, one pint of Ben and Jerry's is 25 points on Weight Watchers. That is almost an entire day of points.) They were planning on eating it in one sitting.
They said , "it is only part of our daily calories."
I said , "how many calories do you think you can have in one day?"
They said "20,000."
I said, "try 2000"
They said, "So one zero off big deal."
I said, "add that zero to your weight and it is a big deal!"

I so have to retrain my children. I have been a bad influence on them. I hope it is not too late.

PS. My daughter caught me writing this blog. She got upset that I am including this story. She said, " Thanks to me one of my teachers reads your blog. Don't write that." So if you know my daughter try not to hold this against her. She was with her good friend and they were being goofy. You know that preteen age is fun, fun, fun. And besides, I have taught her everything. Bad I know. But I am working on fixing that. :)

Don't it feel good!

2008-04-17T13:40:00.005-05:00

I just got back from Weight Watchers. I have that song in my head, "I'm walking on sunshine." The chorus, goes like this:

I'm walking on sunshine, wooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
and don't it feel good!!

Hey, alright now
and don't it feel good!!
hey yeh ,oh yeh
and don't it feel good!!

walking on sunshine
walking on sunshine

The reason I feel so good today is I lost 5.4 pounds this week! This means since I started trying to lose weight I have lost 20.6 pounds.(since I started with Mandy,but if i count since I Thanksgiving time, it is 22.6 pounds. ) WOW 20 pounds. I can hardly believe it. I feel so good right now. I feel like I can do anything. I cannot even begin to explain it. I called Mandy right from the meeting. Several ladies from Church are doing WW too. They were at the meeting today. The meeting was so good. I just love my WW leader! She is so upbeat and I love the stuff she tells us. Today she talked about going for a run on Sunday. She was talking about how she started out a walker and then progressed to running. She also said she goes running no matter what the weather is too. It was really good. She mentioned that if she doesn't run she gets to feeling anxious and depressed. I know how she feels. I love the way exercise makes me feel. I almost wish I could do more exercise. It is funny because my mind is willing, but my body has to play catch up. It is great! and Don't it feel good! YEAH!

Steps toward my dreams....

2008-04-16T20:13:00.006-05:00

Tonight I attended the Liberty PTA Council Banquet. I sat in a room of volunteers who work with the local schools to help the students. It made me feel really good. One of the teachers who know me but has not seen me in a while, said I did not recognize you. I cannot figure it out but you look different, did you change your hair or something? I know it was because I am losing weight and I am happier. I looked pretty good tonight. I felt good and was in control. We had a dinner. It was baked chicken with breading, veggies, bread and potatoes. I took a larger portion of the veggies, no bread or potatoes (they were all cheesy), and I took some chicken. I scraped off the breading and ate the chicken breast. It was good. I drank water. In the middle of that table sat a large plate of dessert goodies. Chocolate covered strawberries and pretzels, as well as cookies. They came from the candy store here in town. I ate a chocolate covered strawberry. It was delicious. So sweet and tangy. I only ate one, I did not obsess about it and I wasn't tempted to eat more. In the past I would have tried the pretzels and the cookies too. I chose the strawberry because I have never had a chocolate covered strawberry and it was fruit with the chocolate. But I did not eat seconds or even thirds and there was so much left over. Such a nice feeling to leave a dinner out not over stuffed. I felt in control.

This week I bought a Nano Ipod. I absolutely love it. I needed something to listen to while working out. My old mp3 player is not user friendly. I could not even access the music I had on it. I got frustrated with it every time I used it. So I went and bought the newest color of Nano in hot pink. I also bought an arm band. I was thinking about getting the Nike sport add on , but the reviews are not very good. If anyone has this product, let me know how you like it. For now I am so happy with the Nano. It was a nice little reward for me and it will help me to keep moving. :)

Well it is that time of the night and I need to get the kids to bed. BTW, I actually have a clean house. I have so much more energy now that I am able to get more done in my day. It is so fab! I can hardly wait to put in that garden. :)

Biggest Loser....

2008-04-16T16:05:00.008-05:00

I, like many others watched last nite as the first woman won the Biggest Loser. The show was so great. I cried as contestant after contestant told their story and got on the scale. I was so happy for them all. So inspirationaI. I know they had real big losses because they devoted so much time and help from the Biggest Loser. I know that losing that much weight in that amount of time is not realistic for me. But the way they pushed and the way they felt about being overweight really inspires me to push on. I was so excited when Ali won. She was voted off early and then brought back. She continued her weight loss when she went home. She really knows how to dream and accomplish her goals.

I bought a little magazine from the Biggest Loser. It is full of weight loss tips, exercise routines and logs to help you while on your journey to lose weight. It is really a packed little magazine. I have found it very helpful. One article has 8 steps to making the big commitment of losing weight.

1. Be Honest about your weight problem.
2. Don't make excuses.
3. Learn from your past.
4. Do a clean sweep of all junk food.
5. Build your support system.
6. Set realistic goals.
7. Make daily resolutions.
8. Expect to face obstacles.

When I read this, I evaluated how I have done on these steps.
1. I have embraced blatant honesty.
2. I have stopped making excuses about not losing weight.
3. I am working on evaluating my past weight loss efforts, so that I can benefit from those experiences.
4. Junk food. Working on that step. I cleaned out the house but some people bring it back in. So I am working on converting the family over to no junk food. :)
5. I have successfully built a strong and fabulous support system.
6. Mandy has helped me to set realistic goals.
7. I love the daily resolution idea. I have been working on weekly, so now I will try to be more daily in my goals.
8. I have faced obstacles and so far so good. Overcoming them and keep on going.

It is a good feeling to know that I have made some big changes and that they are in line with weight loss experts advice. I am well on to a new life with big dreams.

Losing it all over.......

2008-04-15T12:12:00.004-05:00

Saturday I put on my skinny jeans. I had ordered them off the Internet and they never did fit right. Always way too tight and too hard to zip. On the off chance I did get them zipped, then I could not breathe and would have dunlap over the belt. But Saturday they zipped without any effort. How great. I was excited, they even felt a little baggy in the hiney and legs. I was so surprised. I went to the store and tried on some new clothes at Macy's. I cannot usually buy clothes there because they only go to 24W and I wore a 30/32. I can get into a 24W! It was still a little tight, not quite loose enough for my taste. So I decided to not buy anything right now. I figure I will just wear my loose fitting stuff for now. I am on a downward slide, might as well save my $. :) Anyway, Monday I went to buy new pair of walking shoes. I went to the Metro North Walk/Run shop. How great are they? They have you walk on treadmill and watch your gate and then measure you and make suggestions for your needs. I usually have to go in and buy a size that does not have a lot of options to choose from. I got to try on several pairs of shoes yesterday. Why? you ask. Because my feet are skinnier. Who would have guessed it. I did not know your feet could lose weight. :) I went from an EE, which is double wide, to a D. The lady said my left foot was a B but my right foot was a D. So we fitted for the D. Woo Hoo! I am seeing changes in me in more ways than the scale. It is a good feeling.

I just love the ladies I work out with at EQ. They are the best. So supportive and caring. Mandy is the greatest. I am so grateful to have these people in my life. It is such a blessing. I plan to go to a walk on Saturday for the Women's Clinic in Liberty. I will put a link to it later. It is 3 miles and it will be my first time doing something like that. So cool. :)

bump in the road

2008-04-15T11:48:00.004-05:00

Last Friday I was walking on the treadmill, going at a pretty good pace and feeling really good. Then suddenly I got a bad headache. I started to feel dizzy and nauseous. I thought maybe I was dehydrated. So I drank some more water and kept walking, When my headache would not go away, I finally gave up and took break. I drank some more water and but still felt bad. I was so angry that I could not continue my workout. I was just beginning to feel like I was going to make my goal for the week of 7 miles. But my head hurt so bad, that I just decided to go home. First I checked my blood pressure. It was fine, so I went home. I ate something and voila, my headache went away. In fact, I felt much better. I had a pretty busy weekend with the family and did not get a real workout in all weekend. On Monday I went to EQ. I barely got started on my work out and boom, my headache returned. I felt sick again. I talked to Mandy and we came to the conclusion that it could be that I am not eating enough in the am. So I went home and ate. And yes, I felt better. Today, I ate a better breakfast with some protein and carbs, then I worked out. I felt so much better. I refuse to quit. This is just a bump, a learning experience. I just need to revamp my eating habits. I have never been a breakfast eater So eating before I work out is not something I was really doing. I would grab a glass of milk and a banana or just a banana. I have to rethink my habits. My body is changing, so I guess my metabolism is changing too. I need more calories in the am so I can workout. Goal for this week is to eat a good breakfast every morning.

Now I get it......

2008-04-10T13:59:00.004-05:00

I want to write about what I have been doing. Yesterday, I took my 10 pound dog on a 2 mile jaunt. We walked at a pretty good pace. I wanted to take in the fresh air and get in a good workout. Poor little dog, she was panting and going as fast as her little legs would carry her. As soon as she saw the front door of our house she got real excited and darted into the house. Drank down some water, and plopped onto the couch. She looked up at me as if to say "are you crazy woman? I am going nowhere else today." It was hard to get her to move. She is so funny. But it was a great walk. I had some tunes in one ear and kept a watch on my heart rate, because I wanted it get it up in a good zone. And we just walked. It was nice. I was thinking about the movie "What Women Want". You know the movie where Mel Gibson can hear women's thoughts. I had just recently seen a part of the movie and was recalling the commercial they made for Nike. It was about a woman jogging on a road and the voice over was talking about how the road doesn't care what you are wearing or how you look, the road is just glad you came to visit again. It made me smile to myself. That commercial has a whole new meaning to me now. I love working out. It makes me feel so alive. I used to see people on the road jogging or walking in the rain or even really hot weather, and I would think "Are you guys crazy, are you in such a hurry to die? " I looked at it as foolishness to be out in all types of weather walking or running. Now I get it. Now I know the feeling they get from exercising. The weather is not always going to be perfect for a leisurely walk outside. But it is always good for workout for your health. You just have to dress appropriately. This is so weird, to think this way. I am addicted to working out. I love it.

Today is Thursday and I did go for my workout with Mandy. It was really good. I had a stressful morning with my son. My van needed some gas and I could have easily gone into Quik Trip and gotten a Mt. Dew and a cinnamon roll, my usual de-stress fare from QT. But I did not, instead I went to work out early and put in a 20 minute mile on the treadmill. I was nice and warm for our workout today. I was visiting with one of the my workout buddies. She has lost 110 pounds. We were talking about the Biggest Loser contestants having to put on fat suits and weights (in the amount of weight that they had lost) and then they ran on the beach. I asked her if she could still remember what it was like to be 110 pounds heavier. She started to cry, she said she remembers every day what it was like. She sees her wedding pictures and it makes her sad. She made me cry. I know the pain she is talking about. I was hoping it would go away when you have lost that much weight. But I guess it will be good to remember, so I don't get back to that weight again.

I went to Weight Watchers today. I took a friend from church who wants to lose weight too. She is having some back problems so she can not start working out yet, but as soon as her doctor releases her, she is hoping to join in with me and Mandy. It will be great. She is a really nice person. I have never had anyone I know to go to WW with or even work out with. I have gotten to know several ladies, but this is someone I already know. Kind of cool. Anyway, it will be nice. I lost 1 more pound this week. I know it was a tough week. I did count everything, and I did not have any Mt. Dew this week. But I know that I did not eat as many veggies as I have been eating. I need to eat a more balanced diet. I am working on it. I also know that I have been at this for a month now and my weight loss is bound to slow a bit. But I really want to lose at least 2 pounds a week. I will just be diligent every day and continue on my path. I know I feel so much better and can do so much more than I have in years. It really does feel good. It is funny, because I schedule just about everything around my workouts. I have to workout. If I do that 5 times a week, I know that I will continue to get healthier. I am tracking my food intake and sticking to the plan. So it is bound to come off sooner or later. :)

Back to the workout with Mandy. I have to say, she worked me hard today. I really can feel the pain. OOOOOHHHH, such sweet pain. It is not really bad, it really does make me feel alive. I love feeling like I pushed myself. I like feeling like I cannot do it and then doing it. Wow. So today, she had me do these push up things on the bench. Where you sit on the edge of the bench and slide forward in a sitting position with your hands on the bench. Then you drop your hiney down and lift with your arms and legs bent. She had me do 2 sets of 12. It was hard. I did not think I could do it. In fact, I kept telling myself I couldn't do it. So the first 6 were torture then I took a break and started again. I told myself, if Mandy thinks I can do this, I can do this. Then I was able to finish and it seemed to get easier, but still painful. Maybe I just had to work through the pain to get to the other side of success. It was great. I shared with Mandy an exercise I saw on Biggest Loser. She decided to have us try it out. You sit on the ball, slide forward in a sitting position and then instead of doing crunches, you lift your legs towards your opposite elbow. It was hard too. :)

I want to talk about someone else in my life that has been a great support. My son's teacher, she is a great lady. I just love her. I sent her my blog. She has been commenting to me about my journey every time I see her. The other day I saw her in her classroom before school started. She was unpacking her food for the day. She had all healthy fare, fruits and veggies. I said "look at you, eating all healthy." She said I had inspired her. That made me feel good. I complemented her on a nice cardigan she was wearing. We discussed where she had bought it and how she wasn't sure that she liked it for her. Then she said I could have it when I lose my weight. It was so cute, the way she said it. We kind of have this mutual admiration society. She is really a great teacher. I believe she is exactly what my son needed at this time in his life. I feel like we were led to move here for her. That is how strongly I feel about her influence in my son's life. So it makes me feel really good to have her say that I inspire her.

Recently, so many people have given me such great support. I want to be successful for myself and everyone who is cheering for me. I cannot express it enough how much I appreciate all the kind words and thoughts. I really needed this level of commitment to help me to keep going even when it is hard to do. Thank you so much to all of you. Now go do something good for yourself today.

Think First

2008-04-04T11:12:00.007-05:00

This has been an interesting week. I went to WW yesterday and it is official, I have lost 14 pounds since I started this journey. I am in my fifth week of working out. I feel pretty good about my accomplishments so far. I know it is going to be a long road, so I am trying to focus on the here and now and just do it day by day. Friday I went to the doctor for some minor things. But at the check up I had lost 16 pounds since my last time at the doctor, which was 6 months ago. That is a good start. My blood pressure was real low. Not that it was high before, but it was on the high side of normal. Now it is on the low side of normal. Nice benefit. But my doctor was a little discouraging. Which I will just chalk up to being male, not thinking first and not understanding what it is like to be me. Anyway, he was saying that the best thing I could do for myself right now is stick with the weight watchers. He said, and I am quoting here "You could never exercise enough to lose the amount of weight you need to lose." This really bothered me. He sounded so condescending. I was hoping he would be glad of what I had done so far. I feel really good about working out. I know it is good for me and it is helping me to stick to the weight watchers plan better. I know that if I eat certain foods, it just defeats all the work in the gym. I believe the key to my losing weight is the exercise. I know it. I don't care what he says. I admire my doctor, we have seen him for well over 15 years. I do not think he meant to discourage my exercising. But he was not very encouraging. So I will just have to find my support somewhere else. So there. I love the way working out makes me feel. So I am going to continue on the path I have started. (btw I climbed the stairs to his office and back down again. That was the first time ever, I have always taken the elevator.)

So I went to the store to buy some cooler pants to work out in. I ended up buying a smaller size. It was great. In fact, the size I bought is a little baggy. So I probably could have gone down another size. But I did not think of it. I just put on the next size down and thought great they fit and bought them. I am going to wait a little longer before buying some more. :)

At WW I received a book about finding out what stresses cause me to eat. It was really enlightening. I know I am an emotional eater. I eat because I am happy, sad, lonely, depressed, bored what ever. I eat. So I took a quiz and then the quiz tells you what type of things trigger your eating habits. Then it tells you ways to handle that trigger. The biggest thing I learned from the quiz is that I need to learn from my past experiences. Losing weight is not a new thing to me. I have tried many times, had some success and then went right back to my old ways. So this learn from experience is something I can really use. I tend to think of my past attempts of losing weight as failures. So I never really looked at them as learning experiences to help me this time do better. So I am going to make an attempt to think about my past weight loss attempts and try to see what did and did not work for me.

I did do that in regards to the exercise thing. I know that I never have put it in my life, so that is why I went to a trainer. To get more knowledge about working out. By going to weight watchers, I can learn from the people there. What works for them may work for me.

I do know that if I have anything like ice cream or sweets in the house, I will eat it. So I just cannot go there. I need to keep healthy stuff like fruit and veggies in the house. I will eat them. It is helping not to have pop in the house. I do not drink it, if it is not easily accessible. It is time to admit I am addicted to sugar, in any form. Even the low cal treats. I just have to stay clear of sweets. Save them for special occasions, and plan for them in advance. I really do love eating vegetables. So I am going to try to find new recipes for using more veggies.

Another thing I have learned from doing Weight Watchers so many times in the past, is to read the literature. I have never read all the stuff that they hand out to you every week. I always thought "Oh I know about that......blah blah..." So I did not take the time to read the literature. But this time I am reading the stuff they give to me. I have actually found many things in there to be very helpful. I have marked pages and underlined things to remember. I am using them as tools to help me on this journey. I think it is helping me to be more focused and to think first.

While thinking over my past attempts at weight loss, I discovered a pattern. I realized that I would get so far in and maybe not lose as much weight as I wanted for a couple of weeks. Then I get discouraged , give in and eat too much (not writing any of it, or counting it), then I would quit feeling like a failure. Thinking aobut this pattern made me want to discover why I get so down on myself. I want to know what I can do now to keep myself motivated.

I like to learn new things. Once I feel like I have learned it all, I get bored. I need to mix it up and keep in interesting. I also get tired and bored with my food. I stop eating my comfort foods without finding other ways to comfort me. I need to learn new comfort techniques and new recipes. I need to learn to cook in a different way. That will be my next big challenge, to learn new healthy cooking habits. Maybe I will take a healthy cooking class. I am discovering new ways to relieve stress everyday. Exercise is really helping. I am proud of myself. I am on my way to a better life.

We went out to eat as a family a week ago on Friday. The kids really like the buffet at the Ponderosa and I love their salmon. I ordered a good side salad with fat free dressing (no buffet for me), and grilled salmon with a baked potato butter on the side, no sour cream. I ate the salad and the waiter brought out rolls. But they were really big and I decided not to eat one. I did however, plan on having a Mt. Dew. When I finished my Mt. Dew the waiter brought me another one.But by that time I had eaten half of my salmon and half of my potato and I felt full. I am really trying to pay attention to my body signals. You know when you eat all the time, you do not feel hungry or full, so these are new sensations. I asked the waiter for a doggy bag. I took half of my meal home for lunch the next day. So then I was sitting there, everyone is still eating and I am done. So I started to drink that Mt. Dew. Then I stopped, I was full and did not need the Dew. So I took a dirty spoon and threw it into the glass of pop. My dh said, well that's one way to stop drinking it. I said well it was just too tempting to keep sipping it while sitting here. I did not drink any more. Yeah! also, that was the last Dew I had. I have not had any Dew this week at all. That is a big improvement. Now I have given up pop before, but it never lasts very long. I have given it up cold turkey and then I crave it so bad that I give in. I am not saying I will never have another pop. But I will count it and write it down.

I heard something interesting on the radio the other day. Did you know that the pretty little country singer Carrie Underwood, writes down everything she eats? That must be how she stays so fit.

I learned today, that Mandy, my trainer is younger than my oldest son. Wow. she is so on top of things. She is so busy and seems to have it all together. I can learn so much from her. She finished both her college degrees in 4 years. She really knows how to set goals and accomplish them. I love that about her. She is really great. She pushes me past the place I think I can go. I would give up and I sometimes tucker out and try to give up but she is right there, saying you can do it. She makes me believe I can.

A good friend has been sending me these little eDirections for how to lose weight. Today I got one that was really good. Here it is:

Last week you began the process of making wellness your reality.

Stephen Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, says ".start inside - paradigms, character, motives."

What keeps you thinking about changing your diet? What keeps you from following through? Once you know both sides of your internal debate, your chances of making the change improve.

Reread the list you made last week. Ask if your reasons for wanting to change seem stronger than those for keeping the status quo. Want to reinforce your reasons for making a change? Look for other people who have lost weight, got fit, stopped smoking. Ask about their motivation. Talking with others can often teach you about yourself.

© 2001 - 2008 New Directions Behavioral Health, All Rights Reserved.

This is so cool. It really fits into everything I am learning about weight loss and working out from WW and from Mandy. This is life changing stuff. Mandy has encouraged me to make goals and every week she goes over them with me. To see what progress I am making. Doing this blog has helped me to talk out my feelings about this journey. It is helping me to have conversations with people that I might not have talked to before. It is helping me to learn about myself. One thing I am really learning is to Think First. Think First. before you eat, before you talk (maybe my doctor should have done that! LOL ), before you work out. Think about what you are doing, why you are doing it and how to best get what you want.

Missed Opportunites

2008-03-30T12:40:00.004-05:00

I just got back from Church. Our meetings today were fabulous. I really came home edified. I am so grateful for the gospel in my life, I am truly blessed. A brother bore his testimony today and said some things that got me thinking. He spoke about missing out on blessings in our lives not because we are unfaithful, but because we might not have participated. Anyway, this got me to thinking. A few weeks ago I went to the Women's Conference that influenced me to change my life. But I came very close to not going to the conference at all. In fact the night before when I went to bed I had decided that even though it was a good place for me to be, it probably wasn't the best choice for me that day. I was feeling really tired and knew I had other things that I had committed to do. I was feeling like I just couldn't do it all. So I told my husband I wasn't going to attend. But all night I dreamt about trying to get to that conference. In my dreams I never quite made it to the meeting, and I was very disappointed. I woke up feeling like I really needed to go to that meeting. Wow! What if I hadn't gone? What a missed opportunity that would have been. However, I would not have known just how much that meeting would influence me for the good. I would not have known the changes I am capable of making. I would not have met the wonderful people that I have met since that day. I am truly amazed at the way the Lord works in our lives. He knew I was unhappy with myself and that I needed to make a change, and he knew how to get me to do it. I am so blessed to have gone and obeyed the promptings of the Spirit to make the changes I have made. I really feel I am on the right path, the path of least resistance. The path to true happiness for me. I feel closer to my Heavenly Father and my family. My spirit and mind feel clearer. I just cannot explain it. There are no words that express how I feel. I just know it is because I have made these changes. I feel good. I am capable and able to do the things that have been asked of me. My spirit has always been willing, but now I my body is catching up. It is a great feeling. Never would have believed it, if I had not experienced this for myself.

Yesterday, I was feeling stressed. In the past it would have been a perfect day to gorge on some ice cream to drown my sorrows. :) But instead I went to the gym and walked 2 miles at 3 miles an hour for most of the time. When I got done, it was such a great feeling. I accomplished 2 miles and I kept up a pretty good pace. I was on top of the world. I am loving this.

So I guess what I want the most is to not miss out on opportunities any more. I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to be all I can be. All that the Lord wants me to be.

This week I am going to take a chance and do something I want to do just because.
I am just going to DO IT!

Lying to myself---NO MORE

2008-03-28T11:12:00.008-05:00

My dad used to always say, "There is nothing I hate more than a liar and a thief." I grew up hearing that, and have tried to live my life not lying or stealing. Yesterday I was reading a book I got at Weight Watchers called "Shot in the Arm" by Sharon Lee Riguzzi. This book is filled with inspirational stories for people on a weight-loss journey. I turned to an essay titled "Little White Lies". I wish everyone could read that essay. She talks about the lies we tell ourselves. Wow, it really hit me, I have perfected lying to myself.

OK, if you think you have never lied to yourself, great. But just for clarification, here are a few of the lies I have told myself for years, see if any look familiar.
I am not fat.
I like myself this way.
I am big and beautiful.
I have pretty eyes.
I have a nice smile. (I would say those things but then I would think, but you have a double chin, or some other critical thing about my appearance)
I don't care what others think of me.
I can do what ever I want to do, I just choose not to do that.......
I really didn't want to go _________ anyway.
I am glad they had fun doing ______ without me.
I don't like to sweat, so I won't exercise or walk or whatever might make me sweat.
I don't think they meant to be so hurtful.
I am not good at gardening.
I am not so unhealthy, I don't smoke or drink.
I wasn't really feeling well enough anyway.

I gave myself a lot of excuses for not doing many things that I wanted to do. I covered it up by telling myself I did not really want those things. But in reality I do want those things. I just was afraid to admit it and to have dreams. A friend of mine read my blog on dreams and told me that it is ok to dream. I am just now realizing what she meant. I tell myself that I know it is OK, but I do not really do it. In Sharon's essay, she says that she is convinced that we tell ourselves these lies because we do not believe that we deserve whatever we are aching for. I know she is right. I have never given up on a friend who was struggling or working towards something. Why do I give up on me so easily? I recognize qualities in my friends that I like and would like to have, but I tell myself I cannot be like that. As a child I was told that I was fat and lazy. I began to believe it, even though I never admitted it. Self fulfilled prophecy. I believed that I could not accomplish what ever I wanted because I was not good enough. I was too imperfect. I will be happy with myself when I am skinny.

Well move over, here I come. I am tired of waiting to live!

I have a new self fulfilling prophecy to do. I am a woman with a new love for life. I am getting fit. I will reach my goal weight and I love taking care of myself. I am a capable woman with dreams and hopes and goals. I will accomplish them. I know how to do it. I have the tools and the support and hey I am starting to really like myself. :) I am proud of what I can do now. I have always beat myself up. From burning dinner to not keeping a clean enough house. I have always felt like I fell short of what ever I wanted. Well no more. I am in control and I will not let my weight or my sad depressed mind keep me from being all I can be. I am going to stop lying to myself. I do not like being fat. I actually enjoy working out. I love cooking good food for myself and my family. I like a clean organized house. I want to hike the Grand Canyon, I want to raft, I want to run a marathon, I want to plan healthy activities for my family, I want to live longer than my mother and grandmother did! Not only do I want these things, but I deserve them. I deserve to be happy. I am not a bad person, I am taking control of my life. I deserve to be healthy, I deserve to LIVE.......really LIVE LIFE.

Yes, I had realized that I had been lying to myself before I read that essay. I talked about being honest with myself in the beginning of my journey. That is why I had to be so blunt about being fat, and how it really effects my life. But I had not really realized just how far reaching it was. I certainly have a better perspective right now.

I am so grateful for this insight and the blessing of my friends, family and all those who are supporting me. Especially those who knew I could do this even before I did. Love to all.

Goals.....

2008-03-27T13:58:00.007-05:00

I really need to blog today. It has been an eventful day. I have done a lot of thinking in the last couple of days. Mandy asked me to give her a goal for the next 10 weeks of training. I had to really give it a lot of thought. I have set goals before. But I tend to set them too high. Making it hard for me to achieve them and then I quit because I feel like a failure. I want this time to be different. So I really gave it some thought. Mandy wanted us to set an overall goal and then mirco goals to reach our overall goal. Here are my goals for the next 10 weeks.

Overall goal is to lose 10% of my body weight. As of today, I have lost 10 pounds in that direction.
Micro goals:
1. Attend EQ (training with Mandy) 2 x week.
2. Cardio at least 3 x week, of at least 30 minutes. (I can swim, walk, treadmill, cycle or use the elliptical)
3. Attend Weight Watchers Meetings at least 1 x week.
A. Write everything I eat.
B. Count everything I eat.
C. Drink 6 glasses of water at least every day.
4. If I choose to drink a Mt. Dew, I must count it and it must fit into my daily and weekly points/calories.

I think setting these goals will help me to look at my daily progress more easily. Also, these things will help me to accomplish my big goal of losing 150 pounds. I do not have a time frame for that at this time. Another long term goal I have is to walk/run the PF Chang's 1/2 marathon in Phoenix in January 2009.

Today, I went for my work out with Mandy. I went early because my morning had been a little stressful. So I walked 20 minutes on the treadmill before our workout. Then Mandy proceeded to work me hard. It was great. I think that the jumping jacks even though modified, were really effective for my cardio. The crunches kill me so much, but I know that they are good for me. :) I learned how to use the elliptical today. That was a real workout, you have to really concentrate on what you are doing, or your legs can run away from you. I got going too fast and then it wore me out. lol :)

Working on my balance has been so awesome. I am so excited because I can really see progress. Today, after Mandy left, I was able to stand on one foot while doing bicep curls without weights. I was just practicing to see if I could do the motion. It was a great feeling. I get so excited about working out. I think about my workouts like I used to think about food. Mandy says she thinks I have some addictive personality traits. (Those of you who know me well.......do you think? LOL :) ) I totally have addictive behaviors, have said that for years. Good thing I don't drink alcohol, or I know I would be an alcoholic. But being addicted to working out is not so bad. I can handle that addiction for now. :)

After working out I went to Weight Watchers. How great it was! I totally enjoyed the meeting. This week I went to the 12:00 class here in town, and it was such a good fit for me. The leader was so enthusiastic and informative, I really left feeling motivated and totally confident about the program. She mentioned my blog to the group and asked me to share a little about what I am doing. She was very supportive. How blessed I am to have all these people in my life that want me to succeed. It is such a fabulous feeling. I just cannot express how great it feels. And how much it helps. Thank you, thank you to all my supporters.

BTW, I have changed my comments part of my blog. You no longer have to have a gmail account to make a comment. However, I still have not figured out how to notify you when I update my blog. This is a work in progress, just like me. :)

Walking towards a healthier me.....

2008-03-25T12:09:00.001-05:00

Today I went to the Community Center to walk on the treadmill. Mandy had given a me a goal to at least put in 40 minutes of Cardio before Thursday. My goal was to put in 40 minutes both Tuesday and Wednesday. One day down. I actually put in 45 minutes today. I started out as usual starting at about 2 miles an hour and then I brought it up to 2.6 or 2.7 mh. My only problem was keeping it at that pace longer than a couple of minutes. Then a really fast song came on my mp3 player and I started to pick up my pace and eventually I was about 3.2 miles and hour I maintained that throughout that entire song. Then I brought it back down. I did check my heart rate and was doing pretty good. It did get a little high for a while, but I wasn't feeling bad, so I brought it down after the song and then just did about 2.7 for a while. Eventually I got up to 3 miles an hour and fell into a good stride and was able to maintain that for a good long time. It felt great. My legs did not feel tired and I even did a slight incline. I was feeling good. It was a really great workout. Who ever thought I would enjoy this stuff? Not me. Way too far out of my comfort zone. You know I even went into the area of the center with the Tvs and Mirrors everywhere.
That area was pretty busy, but I just did my workout and did not feel to conspicuous. Usually I feel uncomfortable in there by myself. Everyone looks so fit and here I am not so fit. I know I am working on it. But all those mirrors are there and it just is hard to look at myself without being critical. So I spent most of the time walking with my eyes closed, to keep from seeing the mirrors. It worked I really got into the zone and enjoyed the walk. I then came home, showered, dressed and went visiting teaching. When I got home I was feeling really hungry and very hormonal. Really craving some chocolate. But I ate some salad and ham. Then I had a Weight Watchers chocolate cake. I counted it. Boy was it good. Very chocolaty. Perfect for my craving. I am drinking lots of water. I have been doing really well on the Mt. Dew front. I don't even want any right now. That is a good feeling. I am in control, it is not controlling me anymore. Yeah.

New show

2008-03-22T18:36:00.000-05:00

I saw a show called "I can make you thin" on TLC today. I thought it was great so I looked up the website and found a link to McKenna.com, the host. It is great. I will be reading more of his stuff and I joined on online community. Never done that before. Anyway, I am excited. The people in the group are all over 40 years of age and have more than 100 pounds to lose. I will fit right in. :) I will write more about this in future blogs, I am sure. I am expanding my horizons and my support system. I WILL succeed, I KNOW I will. I can feel it all the way to the core of my being. I have found a path of least resistance for me. The pain of staying like I am is greater than the pain of changing. I am so grateful for this new direction my life is taking. It is fabulous. Thanks to all my friends and family who are in support of me. Love to all of you.

Biggest Loser

2008-03-22T17:15:00.000-05:00

OK a few comments about last week's Biggest Loser. I really could relate to the participants this week. They were shopping and getting makeovers from Tim Gunn of Project Runway. The BL people made some comments that really hit home for me. One of them was talking about how they have their clothing made, because they could not buy in the stores. Several of them talked about if they went to the mall it was to buy for someone else because the mall did not have clothes that would fit them. I could really relate to that. Also, the women stated that they bought lots of shoes and purses, because that was something they could buy when out shopping with friends. I used to do that too. I used to own all kinds of purses. But it never occurred to me why I liked them so much. It was something fashionable I could buy that fit. The same with jewelry. I am going to see my shopping habits in an all new way from now on. No more buying to replace what I really want to buy, cute clothes. I cannot tell you how many times I see something that I really like, but it is not in my size. I get to buy shapeless old lady stuff. Way before my time. I am not that old. I used to feel I was, but I am not. I can hardly wait to buy cute clothes that I like.

Coat of Dreams

2008-03-22T16:56:00.000-05:00

I posted new pictures of the Coat. I had posted a slideshow previously. But for whatever reason only some people could get it to load to see the coat. So now I have posted it in pictures. Hope you can see it. It is fabulous. My youngest son asked me to take him roller skating today. We bought him some inline skates. I said I could take him but could not skate with him right now. He asked me if it was something I want to do. I said "Yes, I used to like to roller skate, never inline as they weren't invented yet when I skated." He then said is that a goal for when you lose weight? I said yes, I would like to skate with him. He said "You need to put it in your coat." So we are looking for a picture to add to the coat of skating. So I can visualize it. :) Isn't he sweet? I will lose weight, I will be able to go skating with him. I can hardly wait. :)

What a great week!

2008-03-22T07:52:00.001-05:00

This has been a busy week for me and my family. The kids have been home for spring break. So my schedule was a little messed up. However, I still worked out. I also took the kids swimming and walking. We were very active this week. Thanks to the nice weather, we were able to get outside. Thursday I went to the community center and worked out by myself. I did a good job, but found it not as fun as when Mandy is there. I was so excited because I was able to get on the BOSU ball and balance on 2 feet for about 3 minutes. I could not believe it. Just a week ago, I could not even do it for a few seconds. It made me feel good to see the improvement. I could hardly wait to call Mandy and tell her the news.

This week I joined WW online, but then decided I would go to the meetings. I went to my first meeting on Thursday. It was pretty good. There was a big group of people there, including lots of men, and 1 teenage girl. When I joined on line, it pulled up my last membership from a little over 3 years ago. I weighed the same when I started my exercise as I did when I was in WW last time. It was a little surprising, because I did not realize that I have been this large for so long. Not a good thing. So anyway, when I went to the meeting they weighed me. I was surprised because it was less than I expected. So the next morning I weighed in at the community center to see if the two scales were close in measurement. To my surprise, they are very similar and I have lost 2 more pounds! woo hoo. I know the biggest thing is the decrease in dew, increase in water and exercise. I am encouraged. I am on my way to my 10 percent. That is my first goal. I want to lose 10 percent of my body weight. I would love to set a time period, but whenever I do that and don't make it, I give up. So I am taking this one day at a time for now. :)

Friday, I worked out with Mandy and some of the ladies. It was a great work out! I really pushed and felt the pain. Oh my stomach aches, from the crunches. But it feels good to know that I am doing something so great for myself. YEAH! Monday we are going to take measurements. That will be fun. :) but at least I will see some progress as time goes on in inches too. That will be great. Well I need to run, have a lot to do today. Tomorrow is Easter. Oh yeah, this whole week the community center had Easter candy at the front desk. I am proud to say that I did not indulge in even one piece, and it was chocolate. I didn't even want a piece, weird. I off to clean house. TTFN.

Kathy

So much energy!

2008-03-18T15:55:00.002-05:00

I have so much more energy. I actually took the kids shopping today. We went out about 11 am and returned about 4 p.m. I could have shopped more, but believe it or not the kids wanted to come home. They were tired. Woooo Hooooo! Cannot believe it. I do not even feel tired. My feet do not ache and I am not dragging, in fact I am quite energized and could go for more. But of course I will be going to work out about 5:30, and then on to church. So I am sure by tonite I will be tired. Oh so nice to have this energy. I cannot remember the last time I felt this good. (before I started this journey)

I need to take an opportunity to thank all those people who read my blog and email me or write comments on my blog. Your support is fabulous and very helpful. I truly am blessed to have so many people who are wishing me the best. It is a good feeling.

I went to work out last night and Mandy tried to kill me. LOL No it was good. I really felt good about what I could do. I was able to walk 4 times around the track this time without too much pain. I took my daughter with me and she actually worked out too. She wants to go back. She thought Mandy was fabulous, and was impressed by what I could do too.

The other day Mandy asked us to sit on the floor with feet together and stretch to touch our toes. Well. If I put my feet together my knees bow out. <> like this, so I just put my knees together. Then my feet were about 4 to 6 inches apart. How nice it will be when my feet can be together without being bull legged. :)

One of my dearest friends gave me an inspirational coat. I absolutely love it! I am going to have to post a picture of it on this blog. Describing it will not do it justice. But here I go with the description. It is a black wool coat with a fur collar and fur on the cuffs. It has fabulous tortoise colored buttons. When you open the coat, the inside is way cool. It brought tears to my eyes. There are color pictures lining the inside of the coat. Pictures of all the things I want to do when I lose my weight and become fit. Things that I mentioned on my blog, things I cannot do now because of my weight. It is so wonderful. She so gets me. She is so cool. This is my friend that has been having seizure problems. Here she is going through so much in her own life, and she takes the time to make me a collage inside a coat. It is a representation of all the things that I will be able to accomplish when I shed my coat of fat. Words cannot describe how much this coat means to me. I just cannot explain it. Thank you. Thank you, Pal. You are the greatest!

Kathy

Saying you are plus sized admits nothing except that you have to shop in a different store or part of the store!

2008-03-17T15:50:00.000-05:00

This weekend I took it easy. We had a family Easter Egg Hunt and dinner on Saturday. It was way fun as usual. I was discussing my blog and admitting that I am fat with some family members. I said that plus sized doesn't actually count as admitting it to myself. One of my nieces said, "You are right, saying you are plus sized admits nothing except that you have to shop in a different store or area of the store." Everyone in the room laughed. I told her I was going to steal it for my blog. How true that statement is though. As I have said, I really have to be honest with myself and tell it like it is, I am fat. When I told my sister in law that I had been sugar coating the truth for too long. She said "In more ways that one!" She is right, and it is funny. But now I am trying to do something about it. I have to say, that none of my in laws or friends have ever made me feel inferior in anyway because of my weight. They are all very supportive of my efforts and love me. I am truly blessed.

My battle with Mt. Dew is going well. This weekend I really wanted one to drink while we were eating some popcorn. So I got one. I drank it and it made me feel sick to my stomach. I told my family, remind me the next time I want to drink one just how miserable it makes me feel. It was awful. So today, when we went to the theater to see a movie, I wanted a pop. And my daughter said, remember mom how it makes you feel. So I bought a bottle of water. I drank it all during the movie and did not buy any popcorn. It was great. Didn't even miss it. None of us bought concessions, what a savings. It was very nice.

This weekend while getting ready for church, I noticed my toe nails were really long. I was afraid they were going to shred my hose. Usually I have to get my husband to help me clip my toe nails. I cannot reach them well enough to do it right. But I got on the bed and was able to get my legs up to where I could reach my feet and I clipped my own toe nails! I have not been able to do that in about 8 years. I cannot believe that just one week of exercising and I can now clip my own toes. It is wonderful. It is so embarrassing to ask your husband for help with that. I guess just a little exercise and it has helped me to be more limber to be able to reach my toes. I am so excited. I know this probably sounds so funny to someone who does not have that problem. But I cannot express what a great feeling it is to do it yourself. :)

Today was the first day of spring break. My kids and husband are home today. We decided to go out to the new Olive Garden for lunch. The hostess seated us in a round booth. Well I scooted in and could not move. I could hardly breath the table was right in my stomach. I tried to move the table, unsuccessfully. I had to ask if we could have a table. I have to admit there were people around and it was embarrassing. It was obvious why we needed a table. We were reseated and all was well. We hardly ever go out for meals, so this was a nice treat. I was tempted to get some pasta, but then I thought I not really that hungry. I ordered soup and salad. I drank water with the meal. I absolutely love their soup. I had not eaten at Olive Garden in about 9 years, but it is as good as I remember.

This weekend Mandy's son became ill and we had to reschedule our training from this am to this evening. So this morning I went into the community center to check my weight. I have lost 3 whole pounds this last week! It is so great. I have really just been exercising and cutting down on the dew. I have been thinking about what I eat, but not really counting anything. I really wanted to get the exercising and the dew under my belt before I added more to my routine. I am usually such an all or nothing kind of person. In the past that has set me up for failure and then I quit. So this time, I am trying to change my life more slowly and deliberately. That is going to take time. I cannot expect big numbers like Biggest Loser to show up. I have to say 3 pounds is 3 pounds. Way cool. I am very proud of myself and the progress I have made in the last week. On to week two. I actually look forward to working out and seeing what I can accomplish. This is such a different feeling for me. Quite foreign actually. A nice surprise. Thanks to Mandy and my exercise buddies for making it so fun!

Kathy

Today is a good day, but ooh the pain!

2008-03-14T11:05:00.001-05:00

This morning I went to Target to buy a sweat band. Yes, I sweat when I work out. It runs in my eyes and my hair is all over the place. I decided I needed something to help in that area. I went into their sporting goods area. WOW They have so many cool things. I was really surprised. I found a nice pink one to match my sweat suit. (which I bought last week at Fashion Bug, way cute and affordable) So then I just browsed. They have heart monitors to use for when you work out. Well, they have the ones that you do not have to have a chest strap. I have one with a chest strap that I bought years ago to use while swimming. I tried it on the other day and it was just uncomfortable. It dug into my skin. I want something that I will wear and that will be comfortable. So I bought a watch that you touch and it does your heart rate. This week I had been doing some research online and found some I liked. However, they cost more than this one. Now granted it is not pink, but it is a nice blue. I can deal with that.

If you are curious as to why I bought a heart monitor. Here is the deal. I have suffered from anxiety attacks for years. I decided years ago that in order to alleviate the anxiety of exercising, I should monitor my heart rate.(but instead of wearing the monitor, I just quit exercising. LOL) When you have an anxiety attack your heart races. It is a very uncomfortable feeling, you panic and feel like you are going to die. So when I am working out or in pain my heart rate goes up. So in order to let my brain know that it is alright that my heart rate is going up; that it is not an anxiety attack, I keep track of my heart rate. The doctor gave me a danger level, and Mandy gave me a heart rate to shoot for when working out. That way my work outs are also helping my heart. YEAH for a faster heart rate. It is weird, I have spent years trying to keep it down and now I am working to get it up. :)

I went to my work out today. I arrived a little early so I jumped on the treadmill. The treadmill has a heart monitor too. So I checked it against mine, they were pretty much the same. So that is good. I put in 15 minutes on the treadmill at about 3 miles per hour. Not too bad. Then Mandy got there and we started the pain. I mean today I am in pain. I was sore to begin with and now I just ache. I am going to take a hot shower in a minute. Anyway, Mandy wanted me to balance on 1 foot while doing bicep curls with 5 pound weights. OK not hard right? Wrong! I could not maintain my balance. It was really funny. So she eventually had me work on my balancing. She got out one of the disc things. You know the ones that look like a ball cut in half and flat on the floor. Well they look pretty easy to stand on right? Wrong! She put it up by the wall and had me try and balance with both feet a little apart on the disc and use the wall to get my balance and hold the balance without the wall for 30 seconds. I could not do it that long. I worked and worked, I did get better, but still need work in that area. It was really funny. Because I really did not expect that to be the hard part. We did some weight work on our biceps and triceps and I did about 5 laps on the track. She had us do these leg lifts on the weight bench. Bend your knee, kneel on the bench with arms for support, one leg on floor. Taking the leg on the floor and extend out and up. The whole time maintaining your balance on the weight bench. HaHa, more work on balance. My weakness. I kept trying to extend the leg on the bench. It was easier for me to maintain my balance. So when we completed the exercise Mandy's way, she had us do them my way. I gave her an idea! woohoo. how funny. anyway, it was great fun. After our workouts we spent a good amount of time stretching and relaxing. It was nice, our group can be pretty talkative. Won't fit in there! lol

Mandy asked me how my battle with the Dew is going. I did not have one yesterday and none today.But it is hard. I think it is harder to give up the pop than working out. I get to work out with other people. I am fighting the battle of the pop on my own. Today I did really good, because I went into the 2 places where I usually can buy a dew and didn't even think about it. Target sells dew at their fountain and so does Quik Trip, I went to both stores today. No dew! YEAH!

Well I need to shower. Later.

Kathy

I'm ALIVE!

2008-03-14T07:02:00.000-05:00

OK, today I am so sore. My upper body hurts in places I didn't know existed. It is great! I feel so alive! I feel sore, because, I have been using muscles that have been ignored for too long. I cannot explain how great it feels to wake up and know that I am sore because I have been working out. Many mornings I wake up feeling so tired, and so achy that I do not want to even get out of bed. But today, I woke up with this soreness that I can only describe as my muscles coming to life. It is a great feeling. I am looking forward to my workout today.

My youngest son has been having some symptoms of Asthma. Does not surprise me. The whole family has allergies and many of us already have asthma. He asked to go to the doctor and see if they can give him an inhaler. It seems to bother him most when he is exercising. So I called the doctor. The only appointment they had today was at 10:15. At first I said yes, then it hit me. No, that is during my time with Mandy. I asked the receptionist if they had another time. She said none on Friday, but he is in here on Saturday. (not his usual schedule) I then scheduled an appointment for early Saturday am. In the past, I would have put my son first and taken the appointment. I would have rationalized that he needs to be seen asap. I can work out, or do what ever I had planned another time. I have taken a back seat. I am not saying that I need to only think about myself. There definitely needs to be a balance. It is not going to hurt him to go on Saturday, when it is more convenient for all of us. He does not have PE today and this way he does not miss any school. A win win, in my opinion. In the past, I would not have pushed to meet my needs. I know it is important for me to take care of myself. I am establishing a lifelong habit right now. It may take some getting used to for everyone in the family. I have to get going right now. I forgot to turn off the alarm clock, got up before it went off. It is going off right now. lol Besides it is time to get the morning routine under way. Will write more later.

Kathy

Dreams

2008-03-13T11:01:00.000-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

http://download.srv.cs.cmu.edu/~pausch/

I am putting these links to the Professor who is dying of pancreatic cancer and gave his last lecture in the fall, because this guy is so inspirational. When I first saw this I thought of a friend of mine who is fighting cancer. He has done a lot of living since he was diagnosed and has lived longer than expected. He has been an inspiration to me to follow my dreams. My biggest obstacle right now is discovering my dreams. I do not dream much. I never really dreamed big as a child so I cannot say that there are a lot of things I have dreamed of doing. I think I have spent so much of my life in survival mode, that I haven't really taken the time to dream. I need to consider this more to really discover my dreams.

I mean there are things I want to do, but are they really dreams? Many times the dreams were so unrealistic that I would just push them out of the way. I love archaeology. I love dinosaurs, museums, Egyptian things. I have wanted to see King Tut. I am planning a trip to see that exhibit in the fall. Tutankhamen and the Golden Age of the Pharaohs tour is coming to Dallas in October.

One other thing I have always wanted to do is go to the Grand Canyon. I want to take the tour down into the canyon and camp there, or go rafting down the river. I haven't done it because of my weight. Maybe this is a dream I can work on accomplishing.

As I get fit and lose weight, maybe my dreams will become realities. And just maybe I will dream more.
Kathy

Awesome Daffodil Principle

2008-03-13T08:46:00.000-05:00

It looked as though someone had taken a great vat of gold and poured it over the mountain peak and its surrounding slopes. The flowers were planted in majestic, swirling patterns, great ribbons and swaths of deep orange, creamy white, lemon yellow, salmon pink, and saffron and butter yellow. Each different-colored variety was planted in large groups so that it swirled and flowed like its own river with its own unique hue. There were five acres of flowers.

"Who did this?" I asked Carolyn. "Just one woman," Carolyn answered. "She lives on the property. That's her home." Carolyn pointed to a well-kept A-frame house, small and modestly sitting in the midst of all that glory. We walked up to the house.

On the patio, we saw a poster. "Answers to the Questions I Know You Are Asking", was the headline. The first answer was a simple one. "50,000 bulbs," it read. The second answer was, "One at a time, by one woman. Two hands, two feet, and one brain." The third answer was, "Began in 1958."

For me, that moment was a life-changing experience. I thought of this woman whom I had never met, who, more than forty years before, had begun, one bulb at a time, to bring her vision of beauty and joy to an obscure mountaintop. Planting one bulb at a time, year after year, this unknown woman had forever changed the world in which she lived. One day at a time, she had created something of extraordinary magnificence, beauty, and inspiration. The principle her daffodil garden taught is one of thegreatest principles of celebration.

That is, learning to move toward our goals and desires one step at a time--often just one baby-step at time--and learning to love the doing, learning to use the accumulation of time. When we multiply tiny pieces of time with small increments of daily effort, we too will find we can accomplish magnificent things. We can change the world ...

"It makes me sad in a way," I admitted to Carolyn. "What might I have accomplished if I had thought of a wonderful goal thirty-five or forty years ago and had worked away at it 'one bulb at a time' through all those years? Just think what I might have been able to achieve!"

My daughter summed up the message of the day in her usual direct way. "Start tomorrow," she said.

She was right. It's so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. The way to make learning a lesson of celebration instead of a cause for regret is to only ask, "How can I put this to use today?"

Use the Daffodil Principle. Stop waiting.....

Until your car or home is paid off
Until you get a new car or home
Until your kids leave the house
Until you go back to school
Until you finish school
Until you clean the house
Until you organize the garage
Until you clean off your desk
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married
Until you get a divorce
Until you have kids
Until the kids go to school
Until you retire
Until summer
Until spring
Until winter
Until fall
Until you die...

There is no better time than right now to be happy.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
So work like you don't need money.
Love like you've never been hurt, and, Dance like no one's watching.

Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

Master or Slave?

2008-03-13T07:49:00.002-05:00

Thought for the day.

Are you a master of your body and physical appetites? or are you a slave to them?

I would definitely say that I have been enslaved for years by my physical body and appetites. No more, I am taking control, going to change what I can.

Many people are trapped in their bodies, by things that they have no control over. They have to change their lives so they can live to fullest with what they have. They change their minds to accept and find ways to cope. I have an eye condition that I have no control over, but over the years I have accepted it. I know that I can control how I deal with the flares and my attitude about not being able to see. I have taken as much control with my eyes as I can. I take care of them, I am proactive, I get treatment, I communicate with my eye doctors. I have searched for specialists to help me with my condition. We have moved to make it easier for me to get around during a flare. I have been blessed with a great family and bunch of friends who support me.

I have a friend who recently has been diagnosed with Epilepsy. This has created a great hardship for her and her family. She is one of the most active people I know. She is involved in her church and community, does lots of volunteer work. She is very well respected by all who know her. She is an inspiration to me. Right now she cannot drive. And the seizures are not under control yet. I know she feels like a prisoner in her own body. Her attitude is fabulous. She laughs and talks about sounding like a drunken sailor. She is taking this time to reevaluate her life. To see what she can actually accomplish during this time of change. She is not sitting around feeling sorry for herself (although I am sure she has her moments, she is human) but she is doing as much as she can to help herself. Very important here, she is accepting help for what she cannot do by herself. She is allowing others to serve her. She has served so many people in her life, it is hard to be the one on the receiving end of service sometimes. But she has humbled herself and is taking it one day at a time. I just love her. What an inspiration she has been to me in the past and now.

You know there is wisdom in the Serenity Prayer,

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I know that right now there are things in my life that I have no control over, that I cannot change. But there is much I can change. My health is a major thing. It does really affect my entire life, every aspect. I can improve my life by changing my health. I can work out, I can make good food choices, I can stop drinking pop, I can drink more water. I can do so much more that I ever thought possible. I feel so alive and hopeful for a better life. I am so excited.

Go and have a better tomorrow.

Kathy

You can always find someone worse off than you.....

2008-03-12T22:17:00.001-05:00

http://www.kansascity.com/news/breaking_news/story/527676.html

Sheriff: Woman spent 2 years sitting on boyfriend's toilet

The Associated Press

"There is always someone who has had it worse than you."

Kathy

Finding my Authentic Self

2008-03-12T21:27:00.001-05:00

"The challenge for each of us is to find the authentic YOU. We have an internal compass that always points to our true north. We must find that compass and that true north for each of us and then follow it. We know when we have it because that is when we feel energy. That is when we feel the least amount of resistance. That is when we are doing what comes naturally and was meant for us."

This was said at our Women's Conference on Saturday.

It really hit me. I want to find my authentic self. I want to feel energized, I want to know what comes naturally and what is meant for me.

My faith has always come naturally to me. The Lord has blessed me with the ability to recognize truth when I see it. I have been blessed with much faith.

When I heard the talk on Saturday, I knew it was time to make some changes. I just didn't know what changes. On Sunday, I realized it was changes in my way I live my life. My health. My weight affects every aspect in my life. Even my ability to serve. I have recently been asked to run for VP of our PTA in the elementary school where my youngest son attends. I want to do it. I want to be more involved in the school. I want to do all that is asked of me. I also work with the Young Women in our church. They are so full of energy, I cannot keep up with them. I want to be able to do more with them, serve them better. Serve the Lord more fully. I know I have to find a way to serve. I have to find the energy it is going to take to fulfill my commitments. I have to get healthy.

So on Monday, I went to the community center and met with my personal trainer, Mandy. (link to her blog is at the bottom of my home page as well.) There are other ladies all over 30 that work out in the group. The trainer had us working out for close to an hour. If I had been working out by myself, I would have quit 10 or 15 minutes in. But since I kept going, I discovered I could do so much more than I thought. I felt so good after the work out. For the first time in my life I think I had an endorphin rush from working out. Never have I felt so good about working out, it was fabulous. However, that night I started to feel the pain. The next morning was not too bad. I went swimming in the afternoon for about 40 minutes. At first I could not get 1 lap in, but I worked at it. I walked or swam for the whole 40 minutes. I pretty much got up to swim a lap then walk a lap. I had spaghetti legs after, for a short while.

Monday afternoon was a stressful time for me. I had a houseful of kids and they were not getting along. I was feeling very tired and their bickering was getting on my last nerve. I really wanted a Mt. Dew. But then I stopped and said why do you want it? I realized that I use drinking a pop as a way to relax. I really enjoy a soda and sitting down to watch some TV. Well, I sent the kids outside, and then took a couple of deep breaths, drank a class of water and told myself If I really wanted it, I could have it. But I decided that I do not want to drink it as a stress reducer. I need to find other ways to reduce stress. When my husband came home I took a nice bath, and felt a lot better. I am proud of myself.

Today, I got up and was really tired this morning. I did not want to do much of anything. I might have even been feeling depressed or hormonal. I really wanted a dew. I think the hardest thing about this journey so far is the pop drinking. I am trying to quit drinking pop. I drink caffeine free Mt. Dew. Many (including myself) thought I was addicted to the caffeine but when I switched to caffeine free, I realized that it is the sugar. It has also become a way of life for me. I have rationalized drinking it because I don't drink alcohol or smoke, why can't I have a soda? Well, I did some calculating of just how many calories I was drinking and how much money I was spending. Suffice it to say, I should drop a bunch of weight just by stopping the pop and I can practically pay for the personal trainer with the money I was spending on pop. Who knows what I can do with the money from the other junk foods my family consumes?! I am really proud of my efforts on the dew front. I have no pop in the house and if I feel like a dew I am going to have to go out for it. Giving me time to reconsider my choices. I have drank a couple since my first conversation with my trainer, but I am making strides in the right direction. In the past I have had the mentality of needing to be perfect all the time, and thus set myself up for failure. Now I am just trying to make conscious choices and give myself time to consider the consequences.

Well back to this morning. I wanted a dew. I did not get one. I ate some scrambled eggs and then went to the community center. I walked for about 20 minutes on the treadmill and then I swam for close to 40 more minutes. Yeah for spaghetti legs!

We had some pizza tonite for dinner. I only ate two small pieces and drank water. No Pop! I am so proud. I feel really good about the choices I am making.

Here is another quote from the women's conference: "When we find our purpose in life, we must match this against what we are doing and then make adjustments so that we are in sync with our compass. Then we will obtain and achieve the things that our Heavenly Father wants us to achieve in this life. That is when we will obtain our true potential. "

I am working towards my true potential, finding my authentic self. I am feeling pretty good right now.

Thanks for reading.

Kathy

Orbiting the Giant Hairball

2008-03-12T21:19:00.000-05:00

An excerpt from the book “Orbiting the Giant Hairball” by Gordon MacKenzie

Chapter #24: Paint Me a Masterpiece

Picture the Mona Lisa and the masterpiece’s subtleties of hue and tone.
Now compare it to the paint by number Mona Lisa that perhaps you painted when you were little. Notice the distinct separation of colors not existent in the original.
A Fantasy: Before you were born God gave each of us a canvas and were given the request to paint a masterpiece. At birth the canvas is taken away and given to society for safe keeping. Society cannot resist the temptation to help you out and paint a few blue lines and little numbers all over its virgin surface. Eventually, the canvas is returned to you the rightful owner. However it now carries the implied message that if you will paint inside the blue lines and follow the instructions of the little blue numbers your life will be a masterpiece.
And that is a lie.
For more that 50 years I worked on my paint by number creation. With uneven but persistent diligence, I dipped an emaciated paint by numbers brush into color No. 1 and painstakingly painted inside each little blue-bordered area marked 1. More than once I painted beyond a line and, feeling embarrassed, would either try to wipe off the errant color or cover it over with another before anyone might notice my lack of perfection.
There came a time after half a century of daubing more or less inside the lines, that my days were visited by traumatic events. The dividends of my noxious past came home to roost, and the myth of my life began horrifically to come unglued. I pulled back from my masterpiece-in-the-works and saw it with an emerging clarity.
It looked awful.
The stifled strokes of paint had nothing to do with me. They did not illustrate who I am or speak of whom I could become. I felt duped, cheated, ashamed – anguished that I had wasted so much canvas, so much paint. I was angry that I had been conned into doing so.
But that is past. Passed.
Today, I wield a wider brush. And I’m swooping it through the sensuous goo of Cadmium Yellow, Alizarin Crimson or Ultramarine Blue (not nos. 4,13 or 8) to create the biggest, brightest, funniest, fiercest portrait that I can. Because that has more to do with what’s inside of me than some prescribed plagiarism of somebody else’s tour de force.
You have a masterpiece inside you, too, you know. One unlike any that has ever been created, or ever will be.
And remember: If you go to your grave without painting your masterpiece, it will not get painted. No one else can paint it. ONLY YOU.

New awakenings

2008-03-11T17:08:00.001-05:00

Hi, my name is Kathy. I am writing this blog to help me on my journey to getting fit and healthy. The truth is I am a 47 year woman who is 150 pounds overweight. This fact affects every aspect of my life.

It really hit me last week when I was watching Biggest Loser. They ran an ad that was talking about how they are having open calls for new couples for the new season. I have a really good friend who also wants to lose weight. I called her, she just happens to live where they were having an open call. We decided to apply. I tried and tried to get a flight out for less than $300--but could not swing it. My friend and her daughter went to the call anyway. She said it was fun and interesting. I am so proud of her for going. I know how hard it was for her. I wish I could have been there, not so much for the opportunity to go on Biggest Loser as the time to spend with my friend.

On Thursday I took my 11 year old daughter to the doctor. She is taller than I and when she weighed in, I realized 2 things, I have more weight to lose than she weighs and she is about 20 pounds overweight. I was shocked. I realized then that my problem with my weight was trickling down. I went home and mulled it over. I started thinking about what attracted me to trying The Biggest Loser. I realize that being in that environment of just concentrating on me and my weight issues would be really nice, but not too realistic for my family. I know how to eat right, I just don't. :) Have to tell it like it is. I am not stupid, just fat. lol and I have tried Weight Watchers so many times I have all the stuff and it is not hard to figure out what I should be doing about eating. The real problem I have is I do not like to exercise. In fact I have hated it in the past. I decided I needed help to work out. So I started contacting personal trainers through the local community center. Made contact with one that I felt a connection with (I will write more about her in a different blog) and she offered to have me come to the center on the following Monday.

The weekend was really busy. I had a women's conference at my church. One of our leaders spoke on how special women are and how they need to find their true self. His talk was fabulous, it felt like he was speaking directly to me. I knew that my true self is not able to come out, she is buried under 150 pounds. I went home thinking about what he said. One of the quotes he gave really spoke to me, he quoted an excerpt from the book "Orbiting the Giant Hairball" by Gordon Mackenzie. I will include the quote in a separate blog. Anyway, I pondered about what he said all night. The next morning in the shower it hit me. It was like a light bulb moment (Oprah), but I really know that it was the Lord speaking to me about what he wants for me. I got out of the shower and started telling my husband about my thoughts and feelings.

My church has a Word of Wisdom that we are advised to live by in regards to our health. All the years as a member of the Church I have obeyed the letter of the law. Sunday I realized that I am not obeying the spirit of that law. The Lord wants me to be able to "run and not be weary...", to have joy in my life. To be able to serve to my fullest capacity. To do the things that help me to become more like him. I was crying as I spoke to my husband. The truth will set you free and the dam had broke. I know that all the years of packing on my protective coat was something I did to deal with years of abuse as a child. I know that since I am not a smoker or drinker, I coped with my stuff with food and soda. I have had years of therapy and have been treated with meds for years for depression and anxiety. I have had the anxiety under control for years and the depression for over a year now. I seem to be functioning mentally on an even keel. But the physical has been ignored. I told my husband, "Why am I allowing my abusers to ruin my adulthood too?" I realized I was still giving them power over my life. They are all dead for goodness sakes, it is time to let it go. To live my life to it's fullest.

SO..........here it is.........

I am too fat. (now I know some of you may say don't call yourself fat. But come on, it is time for me to be honest with myself. To quit lying or sugar coating it. stop being gentle or politically correct. I have been doing that for years. Of course I would never call anyone else fat, I am just admitting it to myself. It is what it is. I am fat, not overweight. Plus sized, when I get fit will I be minus sized? I am morbidly obese. Morbidly obese think about it. not a pretty term. I do not want other people to call me fat, but just know that I know the truth. The first step is admitting you have a problem and facing the truth. ) It is time to take a real honest look at all the reasons why I want to be healthy.

I cannot work an entire day. I cannot hardly stay awake for a full day. I get too tired. I have been taking naps in the afternoon for months. If I have an evening activity planned, I know I have to take it easy that day in order to get to the activity.

I cannot garden, I want to garden. But this fat body cannot get up off the ground.

I like to take baths, but when your body touches the sides and the water is dammed off into separate compartments because you are so fat, a bath is not as nice. Taking a shower is hard too. I have to step into the tub and then out, and when I shower my arms touch the sides when I try to wash or shampoo. Very annoying.

Oh, lets talk about public bathrooms. I use the handicap one so I can have enough room to maneuver around in it. but then my feet dangle on the toilet and that causes its own set of problems.

Sometimes, when I ride in peoples cars with them, I cannot wear a seat belt. It is embarrassing. Seat belts, how fun are they? They barely fit and keep me restricted in my movement. I always wear them when in the front seat of any car. Airplane belts are too small and all I have to do is make a sign to the Flight attendant and they know what I need. And the dunlap is so embarrassing, that I hope I am beside a skinny person. So we don't touch. I better not have to use the bathroom for the whole flight, there is no moving in there.

I love to go to movies. I choose my theater carefully, so I can sit in the seats. I like the seats where the arms come up. I also like to sit in seats in the front row where the railing is, this gives me more leg room and easier if anyone has to get past me. One time my cell went off in the theater I was in a hurry to get out to answer it, so I just kind of jogged to the door. While running my fat apron flapped against itself making this horribly embarrassing sound. I did not see the end of that movie. I could not go back into the theater.

My husband gets tickets every year from his employer for Worlds of Fun for the family. It is so hard for me to go. I cannot hardly walk from the parking lot, let alone all around the park. Then I cannot even ride any of the rides, too large. Used to love going on Roller Coasters.

My children love to go to the zoo. But it is way too much walking for me. I would love to just be able to go for a fun day with the kids, and not feel like it was killing me.

My husband bought bikes for the whole family. He has been begging me to ride with him and the kids. I beg off. I finally told him that I cannot ride because I am too fat. My calves and my thighs touch when I cycle. How crazy is that? and balancing is hard, because I cannot get up to speed to keep it straight. The thought of falling is overwhelmingly scary. I could really hurt myself. You know what they say the bigger you are the harder you fall. well 300 pounds falling from several feet up would not feel good, of that I am sure. I want to ride bikes with the family. It would be nice. My husband and youngest son love to ride and we have fabulous trails in our area.

I am not living my life to the fullest. I sit most of it out.

Sleeping is difficult. I wake up still tired many nights. I am sure I probably have sleep apnea. The thought of wearing a mask to bed at night is not appealing.

I have asthma, so this makes any type of movement difficult at times. Our medical expenses are horrible. Losing weight could not hurt in that area.

Walking is even hard. My legs rub together, so I waddle so my legs don't rub so much, making me look much like I am 1way pregnant. no baby in here.

I love shoes, but cannot buy the cute ones--feet too big and wide. And my feet hurt hauling all this fat around, so I have to wear smart comfortable shoes.

I love clothes, but my tastes are different than what I can find for my size. so much of it makes me look like some old lady.

I have to admit the truth, I need to take control of my life and make some changes for the better. My next blog will talk about the changes I have made this week.

Kathy