When I am thin, I will be .........

It has been too long since my last entry. Not because I have given up on losing weight. I have just had way too many things going on. I need to find a way to balance it all. I have had a myriad of mini challenges in the last month. Nothing that is serious and nothing that has made me quit, just life. My life has always had challenges and the way I deal with them is what has made up who I am. I am a fighter a survivor. I have fought my way out of many things and plan to survive this new healthy lifestyle. I have not lost any weight recently, but I have not gained any back either. I really just want to make this work. I have done a lot of thinking in the last month about my life. I have met a lot of people along my path and have built up a pretty good support system for myself. These people have been diligent about checking up on me. So just for them, I want them to know I am doing alright. I am still on the path to a healthier life. I still want to rid myself of the extra person I am hauling around. But just because I am trying doesn't mean that I do not have to face the consequences of my bad choices. I am still fighting for my life here. I am still not the healthy person I want to be. And you know what losing weight may not change that about me. I may still have to struggle with my health. I may still have to treat my asthma and other things that I have blamed on being fat. These things may just be what I will have to deal with even when I am thin. So I need to find a way to deal with them in the here and now. And still be able to fit an active life with healthy food choices during all the struggles. I need to not turn to Mt. Dew or chocolate to feed my woes. There are other avenues that actually make me feel better than they do.

I have met a lady who has lost a lot of weight. She has made me think about what it will be like for me when I lose weight. I know that I have said that I am changing what I have put off because of my weight. But I realize that I still play the games in my head. I still make excuses for myself. Like blaming being fat for everything. It has been an excuse to not participate, to not be liked, to not being included, accepted or desired. It has become a shelter for all that is bad in my life. My shield to protect me from the harsh realities of life. Of things that may have nothing to do with my weight and everything to do with me. It has kept me from changing things that I could change even without losing the weight. It has become a way for me to put off living by basically saying to myself "I will be happier when I lose weight." Losing weight is not the fix all. It is not going to make me someone that I am not. I think I will still have the same personality, the same problems. Maybe even some new ones. This is life, it is time to live now and not wait until I lose my weight.

I have such an all or nothing personality. I throw myself into something totally or not at all. I need to find a happy medium. I need to be able to do all that I want to do, and not be so overwhelmed by it all that I give it all up. I am working on this. I believe this will be the hardest part of my journey, balancing it all. Doing it the way I want to, not trying to be perfect. Accepting that I am human and not a super human with super abilities to do it all and do it all now.

I grew up hearing "If you are going to do it, do it right, or don't do it all." and unfortunately I have lived my life that way a lot. I am not saying that trying to do your best is a bad thing. But my best may not be perfect, and it must fit into my whole life. My life as a wife, mother, sister, volunteer, friend, and as a happy person.

So this is where I am today, trying to find a balance. Trying to find out what I really want in my life. What will continue to make me happy. But then again aren't we all trying to do this?