Missed Opportunites

I just got back from Church. Our meetings today were fabulous. I really came home edified. I am so grateful for the gospel in my life, I am truly blessed. A brother bore his testimony today and said some things that got me thinking. He spoke about missing out on blessings in our lives not because we are unfaithful, but because we might not have participated. Anyway, this got me to thinking. A few weeks ago I went to the Women's Conference that influenced me to change my life. But I came very close to not going to the conference at all. In fact the night before when I went to bed I had decided that even though it was a good place for me to be, it probably wasn't the best choice for me that day. I was feeling really tired and knew I had other things that I had committed to do. I was feeling like I just couldn't do it all. So I told my husband I wasn't going to attend. But all night I dreamt about trying to get to that conference. In my dreams I never quite made it to the meeting, and I was very disappointed. I woke up feeling like I really needed to go to that meeting. Wow! What if I hadn't gone? What a missed opportunity that would have been. However, I would not have known just how much that meeting would influence me for the good. I would not have known the changes I am capable of making. I would not have met the wonderful people that I have met since that day. I am truly amazed at the way the Lord works in our lives. He knew I was unhappy with myself and that I needed to make a change, and he knew how to get me to do it. I am so blessed to have gone and obeyed the promptings of the Spirit to make the changes I have made. I really feel I am on the right path, the path of least resistance. The path to true happiness for me. I feel closer to my Heavenly Father and my family. My spirit and mind feel clearer. I just cannot explain it. There are no words that express how I feel. I just know it is because I have made these changes. I feel good. I am capable and able to do the things that have been asked of me. My spirit has always been willing, but now I my body is catching up. It is a great feeling. Never would have believed it, if I had not experienced this for myself.

Yesterday, I was feeling stressed. In the past it would have been a perfect day to gorge on some ice cream to drown my sorrows. :) But instead I went to the gym and walked 2 miles at 3 miles an hour for most of the time. When I got done, it was such a great feeling. I accomplished 2 miles and I kept up a pretty good pace. I was on top of the world. I am loving this.

So I guess what I want the most is to not miss out on opportunities any more. I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to be all I can be. All that the Lord wants me to be.

This week I am going to take a chance and do something I want to do just because.
I am just going to DO IT!

Lying to myself---NO MORE

My dad used to always say, "There is nothing I hate more than a liar and a thief." I grew up hearing that, and have tried to live my life not lying or stealing. Yesterday I was reading a book I got at Weight Watchers called "Shot in the Arm" by Sharon Lee Riguzzi. This book is filled with inspirational stories for people on a weight-loss journey. I turned to an essay titled "Little White Lies". I wish everyone could read that essay. She talks about the lies we tell ourselves. Wow, it really hit me, I have perfected lying to myself.

OK, if you think you have never lied to yourself, great. But just for clarification, here are a few of the lies I have told myself for years, see if any look familiar.
I am not fat.
I like myself this way.
I am big and beautiful.
I have pretty eyes.
I have a nice smile. (I would say those things but then I would think, but you have a double chin, or some other critical thing about my appearance)
I don't care what others think of me.
I can do what ever I want to do, I just choose not to do that.......
I really didn't want to go _________ anyway.
I am glad they had fun doing ______ without me.
I don't like to sweat, so I won't exercise or walk or whatever might make me sweat.
I don't think they meant to be so hurtful.
I am not good at gardening.
I am not so unhealthy, I don't smoke or drink.
I wasn't really feeling well enough anyway.

I gave myself a lot of excuses for not doing many things that I wanted to do. I covered it up by telling myself I did not really want those things. But in reality I do want those things. I just was afraid to admit it and to have dreams. A friend of mine read my blog on dreams and told me that it is ok to dream. I am just now realizing what she meant. I tell myself that I know it is OK, but I do not really do it. In Sharon's essay, she says that she is convinced that we tell ourselves these lies because we do not believe that we deserve whatever we are aching for. I know she is right. I have never given up on a friend who was struggling or working towards something. Why do I give up on me so easily? I recognize qualities in my friends that I like and would like to have, but I tell myself I cannot be like that. As a child I was told that I was fat and lazy. I began to believe it, even though I never admitted it. Self fulfilled prophecy. I believed that I could not accomplish what ever I wanted because I was not good enough. I was too imperfect. I will be happy with myself when I am skinny.

Well move over, here I come. I am tired of waiting to live!

I have a new self fulfilling prophecy to do. I am a woman with a new love for life. I am getting fit. I will reach my goal weight and I love taking care of myself. I am a capable woman with dreams and hopes and goals. I will accomplish them. I know how to do it. I have the tools and the support and hey I am starting to really like myself. :) I am proud of what I can do now. I have always beat myself up. From burning dinner to not keeping a clean enough house. I have always felt like I fell short of what ever I wanted. Well no more. I am in control and I will not let my weight or my sad depressed mind keep me from being all I can be. I am going to stop lying to myself. I do not like being fat. I actually enjoy working out. I love cooking good food for myself and my family. I like a clean organized house. I want to hike the Grand Canyon, I want to raft, I want to run a marathon, I want to plan healthy activities for my family, I want to live longer than my mother and grandmother did! Not only do I want these things, but I deserve them. I deserve to be happy. I am not a bad person, I am taking control of my life. I deserve to be healthy, I deserve to LIVE.......really LIVE LIFE.

Yes, I had realized that I had been lying to myself before I read that essay. I talked about being honest with myself in the beginning of my journey. That is why I had to be so blunt about being fat, and how it really effects my life. But I had not really realized just how far reaching it was. I certainly have a better perspective right now.

I am so grateful for this insight and the blessing of my friends, family and all those who are supporting me. Especially those who knew I could do this even before I did. Love to all.

Goals.....

I really need to blog today. It has been an eventful day. I have done a lot of thinking in the last couple of days. Mandy asked me to give her a goal for the next 10 weeks of training. I had to really give it a lot of thought. I have set goals before. But I tend to set them too high. Making it hard for me to achieve them and then I quit because I feel like a failure. I want this time to be different. So I really gave it some thought. Mandy wanted us to set an overall goal and then mirco goals to reach our overall goal. Here are my goals for the next 10 weeks.

Overall goal is to lose 10% of my body weight. As of today, I have lost 10 pounds in that direction.
Micro goals:
1. Attend EQ (training with Mandy) 2 x week.
2. Cardio at least 3 x week, of at least 30 minutes. (I can swim, walk, treadmill, cycle or use the elliptical)
3. Attend Weight Watchers Meetings at least 1 x week.
A. Write everything I eat.
B. Count everything I eat.
C. Drink 6 glasses of water at least every day.
4. If I choose to drink a Mt. Dew, I must count it and it must fit into my daily and weekly points/calories.

I think setting these goals will help me to look at my daily progress more easily. Also, these things will help me to accomplish my big goal of losing 150 pounds. I do not have a time frame for that at this time. Another long term goal I have is to walk/run the PF Chang's 1/2 marathon in Phoenix in January 2009.

Today, I went for my work out with Mandy. I went early because my morning had been a little stressful. So I walked 20 minutes on the treadmill before our workout. Then Mandy proceeded to work me hard. It was great. I think that the jumping jacks even though modified, were really effective for my cardio. The crunches kill me so much, but I know that they are good for me. :) I learned how to use the elliptical today. That was a real workout, you have to really concentrate on what you are doing, or your legs can run away from you. I got going too fast and then it wore me out. lol :)

Working on my balance has been so awesome. I am so excited because I can really see progress. Today, after Mandy left, I was able to stand on one foot while doing bicep curls without weights. I was just practicing to see if I could do the motion. It was a great feeling. I get so excited about working out. I think about my workouts like I used to think about food. Mandy says she thinks I have some addictive personality traits. (Those of you who know me well.......do you think? LOL :) ) I totally have addictive behaviors, have said that for years. Good thing I don't drink alcohol, or I know I would be an alcoholic. But being addicted to working out is not so bad. I can handle that addiction for now. :)

After working out I went to Weight Watchers. How great it was! I totally enjoyed the meeting. This week I went to the 12:00 class here in town, and it was such a good fit for me. The leader was so enthusiastic and informative, I really left feeling motivated and totally confident about the program. She mentioned my blog to the group and asked me to share a little about what I am doing. She was very supportive. How blessed I am to have all these people in my life that want me to succeed. It is such a fabulous feeling. I just cannot express how great it feels. And how much it helps. Thank you, thank you to all my supporters.

BTW, I have changed my comments part of my blog. You no longer have to have a gmail account to make a comment. However, I still have not figured out how to notify you when I update my blog. This is a work in progress, just like me. :)

Walking towards a healthier me.....

Today I went to the Community Center to walk on the treadmill. Mandy had given a me a goal to at least put in 40 minutes of Cardio before Thursday. My goal was to put in 40 minutes both Tuesday and Wednesday. One day down. I actually put in 45 minutes today. I started out as usual starting at about 2 miles an hour and then I brought it up to 2.6 or 2.7 mh. My only problem was keeping it at that pace longer than a couple of minutes. Then a really fast song came on my mp3 player and I started to pick up my pace and eventually I was about 3.2 miles and hour I maintained that throughout that entire song. Then I brought it back down. I did check my heart rate and was doing pretty good. It did get a little high for a while, but I wasn't feeling bad, so I brought it down after the song and then just did about 2.7 for a while. Eventually I got up to 3 miles an hour and fell into a good stride and was able to maintain that for a good long time. It felt great. My legs did not feel tired and I even did a slight incline. I was feeling good. It was a really great workout. Who ever thought I would enjoy this stuff? Not me. Way too far out of my comfort zone. You know I even went into the area of the center with the Tvs and Mirrors everywhere.
That area was pretty busy, but I just did my workout and did not feel to conspicuous. Usually I feel uncomfortable in there by myself. Everyone looks so fit and here I am not so fit. I know I am working on it. But all those mirrors are there and it just is hard to look at myself without being critical. So I spent most of the time walking with my eyes closed, to keep from seeing the mirrors. It worked I really got into the zone and enjoyed the walk. I then came home, showered, dressed and went visiting teaching. When I got home I was feeling really hungry and very hormonal. Really craving some chocolate. But I ate some salad and ham. Then I had a Weight Watchers chocolate cake. I counted it. Boy was it good. Very chocolaty. Perfect for my craving. I am drinking lots of water. I have been doing really well on the Mt. Dew front. I don't even want any right now. That is a good feeling. I am in control, it is not controlling me anymore. Yeah.

New show

I saw a show called "I can make you thin" on TLC today. I thought it was great so I looked up the website and found a link to McKenna.com, the host. It is great. I will be reading more of his stuff and I joined on online community. Never done that before. Anyway, I am excited. The people in the group are all over 40 years of age and have more than 100 pounds to lose. I will fit right in. :) I will write more about this in future blogs, I am sure. I am expanding my horizons and my support system. I WILL succeed, I KNOW I will. I can feel it all the way to the core of my being. I have found a path of least resistance for me. The pain of staying like I am is greater than the pain of changing. I am so grateful for this new direction my life is taking. It is fabulous. Thanks to all my friends and family who are in support of me. Love to all of you.

Biggest Loser

OK a few comments about last week's Biggest Loser. I really could relate to the participants this week. They were shopping and getting makeovers from Tim Gunn of Project Runway. The BL people made some comments that really hit home for me. One of them was talking about how they have their clothing made, because they could not buy in the stores. Several of them talked about if they went to the mall it was to buy for someone else because the mall did not have clothes that would fit them. I could really relate to that. Also, the women stated that they bought lots of shoes and purses, because that was something they could buy when out shopping with friends. I used to do that too. I used to own all kinds of purses. But it never occurred to me why I liked them so much. It was something fashionable I could buy that fit. The same with jewelry. I am going to see my shopping habits in an all new way from now on. No more buying to replace what I really want to buy, cute clothes. I cannot tell you how many times I see something that I really like, but it is not in my size. I get to buy shapeless old lady stuff. Way before my time. I am not that old. I used to feel I was, but I am not. I can hardly wait to buy cute clothes that I like.

Coat of Dreams

I posted new pictures of the Coat. I had posted a slideshow previously. But for whatever reason only some people could get it to load to see the coat. So now I have posted it in pictures. Hope you can see it. It is fabulous. My youngest son asked me to take him roller skating today. We bought him some inline skates. I said I could take him but could not skate with him right now. He asked me if it was something I want to do. I said "Yes, I used to like to roller skate, never inline as they weren't invented yet when I skated." He then said is that a goal for when you lose weight? I said yes, I would like to skate with him. He said "You need to put it in your coat." So we are looking for a picture to add to the coat of skating. So I can visualize it. :) Isn't he sweet? I will lose weight, I will be able to go skating with him. I can hardly wait. :)

What a great week!

This has been a busy week for me and my family. The kids have been home for spring break. So my schedule was a little messed up. However, I still worked out. I also took the kids swimming and walking. We were very active this week. Thanks to the nice weather, we were able to get outside. Thursday I went to the community center and worked out by myself. I did a good job, but found it not as fun as when Mandy is there. I was so excited because I was able to get on the BOSU ball and balance on 2 feet for about 3 minutes. I could not believe it. Just a week ago, I could not even do it for a few seconds. It made me feel good to see the improvement. I could hardly wait to call Mandy and tell her the news.

This week I joined WW online, but then decided I would go to the meetings. I went to my first meeting on Thursday. It was pretty good. There was a big group of people there, including lots of men, and 1 teenage girl. When I joined on line, it pulled up my last membership from a little over 3 years ago. I weighed the same when I started my exercise as I did when I was in WW last time. It was a little surprising, because I did not realize that I have been this large for so long. Not a good thing. So anyway, when I went to the meeting they weighed me. I was surprised because it was less than I expected. So the next morning I weighed in at the community center to see if the two scales were close in measurement. To my surprise, they are very similar and I have lost 2 more pounds! woo hoo. I know the biggest thing is the decrease in dew, increase in water and exercise. I am encouraged. I am on my way to my 10 percent. That is my first goal. I want to lose 10 percent of my body weight. I would love to set a time period, but whenever I do that and don't make it, I give up. So I am taking this one day at a time for now. :)

Friday, I worked out with Mandy and some of the ladies. It was a great work out! I really pushed and felt the pain. Oh my stomach aches, from the crunches. But it feels good to know that I am doing something so great for myself. YEAH! Monday we are going to take measurements. That will be fun. :) but at least I will see some progress as time goes on in inches too. That will be great. Well I need to run, have a lot to do today. Tomorrow is Easter. Oh yeah, this whole week the community center had Easter candy at the front desk. I am proud to say that I did not indulge in even one piece, and it was chocolate. I didn't even want a piece, weird. I off to clean house. TTFN.

Kathy

So much energy!

I have so much more energy. I actually took the kids shopping today. We went out about 11 am and returned about 4 p.m. I could have shopped more, but believe it or not the kids wanted to come home. They were tired. Woooo Hooooo! Cannot believe it. I do not even feel tired. My feet do not ache and I am not dragging, in fact I am quite energized and could go for more. But of course I will be going to work out about 5:30, and then on to church. So I am sure by tonite I will be tired. Oh so nice to have this energy. I cannot remember the last time I felt this good. (before I started this journey)

I need to take an opportunity to thank all those people who read my blog and email me or write comments on my blog. Your support is fabulous and very helpful. I truly am blessed to have so many people who are wishing me the best. It is a good feeling.

I went to work out last night and Mandy tried to kill me. LOL No it was good. I really felt good about what I could do. I was able to walk 4 times around the track this time without too much pain. I took my daughter with me and she actually worked out too. She wants to go back. She thought Mandy was fabulous, and was impressed by what I could do too.

The other day Mandy asked us to sit on the floor with feet together and stretch to touch our toes. Well. If I put my feet together my knees bow out. <> like this, so I just put my knees together. Then my feet were about 4 to 6 inches apart. How nice it will be when my feet can be together without being bull legged. :)

One of my dearest friends gave me an inspirational coat. I absolutely love it! I am going to have to post a picture of it on this blog. Describing it will not do it justice. But here I go with the description. It is a black wool coat with a fur collar and fur on the cuffs. It has fabulous tortoise colored buttons. When you open the coat, the inside is way cool. It brought tears to my eyes. There are color pictures lining the inside of the coat. Pictures of all the things I want to do when I lose my weight and become fit. Things that I mentioned on my blog, things I cannot do now because of my weight. It is so wonderful. She so gets me. She is so cool. This is my friend that has been having seizure problems. Here she is going through so much in her own life, and she takes the time to make me a collage inside a coat. It is a representation of all the things that I will be able to accomplish when I shed my coat of fat. Words cannot describe how much this coat means to me. I just cannot explain it. Thank you. Thank you, Pal. You are the greatest!

Kathy

Saying you are plus sized admits nothing except that you have to shop in a different store or part of the store!

This weekend I took it easy. We had a family Easter Egg Hunt and dinner on Saturday. It was way fun as usual. I was discussing my blog and admitting that I am fat with some family members. I said that plus sized doesn't actually count as admitting it to myself. One of my nieces said, "You are right, saying you are plus sized admits nothing except that you have to shop in a different store or area of the store." Everyone in the room laughed. I told her I was going to steal it for my blog. How true that statement is though. As I have said, I really have to be honest with myself and tell it like it is, I am fat. When I told my sister in law that I had been sugar coating the truth for too long. She said "In more ways that one!" She is right, and it is funny. But now I am trying to do something about it. I have to say, that none of my in laws or friends have ever made me feel inferior in anyway because of my weight. They are all very supportive of my efforts and love me. I am truly blessed.

My battle with Mt. Dew is going well. This weekend I really wanted one to drink while we were eating some popcorn. So I got one. I drank it and it made me feel sick to my stomach. I told my family, remind me the next time I want to drink one just how miserable it makes me feel. It was awful. So today, when we went to the theater to see a movie, I wanted a pop. And my daughter said, remember mom how it makes you feel. So I bought a bottle of water. I drank it all during the movie and did not buy any popcorn. It was great. Didn't even miss it. None of us bought concessions, what a savings. It was very nice.

This weekend while getting ready for church, I noticed my toe nails were really long. I was afraid they were going to shred my hose. Usually I have to get my husband to help me clip my toe nails. I cannot reach them well enough to do it right. But I got on the bed and was able to get my legs up to where I could reach my feet and I clipped my own toe nails! I have not been able to do that in about 8 years. I cannot believe that just one week of exercising and I can now clip my own toes. It is wonderful. It is so embarrassing to ask your husband for help with that. I guess just a little exercise and it has helped me to be more limber to be able to reach my toes. I am so excited. I know this probably sounds so funny to someone who does not have that problem. But I cannot express what a great feeling it is to do it yourself. :)

Today was the first day of spring break. My kids and husband are home today. We decided to go out to the new Olive Garden for lunch. The hostess seated us in a round booth. Well I scooted in and could not move. I could hardly breath the table was right in my stomach. I tried to move the table, unsuccessfully. I had to ask if we could have a table. I have to admit there were people around and it was embarrassing. It was obvious why we needed a table. We were reseated and all was well. We hardly ever go out for meals, so this was a nice treat. I was tempted to get some pasta, but then I thought I not really that hungry. I ordered soup and salad. I drank water with the meal. I absolutely love their soup. I had not eaten at Olive Garden in about 9 years, but it is as good as I remember.

This weekend Mandy's son became ill and we had to reschedule our training from this am to this evening. So this morning I went into the community center to check my weight. I have lost 3 whole pounds this last week! It is so great. I have really just been exercising and cutting down on the dew. I have been thinking about what I eat, but not really counting anything. I really wanted to get the exercising and the dew under my belt before I added more to my routine. I am usually such an all or nothing kind of person. In the past that has set me up for failure and then I quit. So this time, I am trying to change my life more slowly and deliberately. That is going to take time. I cannot expect big numbers like Biggest Loser to show up. I have to say 3 pounds is 3 pounds. Way cool. I am very proud of myself and the progress I have made in the last week. On to week two. I actually look forward to working out and seeing what I can accomplish. This is such a different feeling for me. Quite foreign actually. A nice surprise. Thanks to Mandy and my exercise buddies for making it so fun!


Kathy

Today is a good day, but ooh the pain!

This morning I went to Target to buy a sweat band. Yes, I sweat when I work out. It runs in my eyes and my hair is all over the place. I decided I needed something to help in that area. I went into their sporting goods area. WOW They have so many cool things. I was really surprised. I found a nice pink one to match my sweat suit. (which I bought last week at Fashion Bug, way cute and affordable) So then I just browsed. They have heart monitors to use for when you work out. Well, they have the ones that you do not have to have a chest strap. I have one with a chest strap that I bought years ago to use while swimming. I tried it on the other day and it was just uncomfortable. It dug into my skin. I want something that I will wear and that will be comfortable. So I bought a watch that you touch and it does your heart rate. This week I had been doing some research online and found some I liked. However, they cost more than this one. Now granted it is not pink, but it is a nice blue. I can deal with that.

If you are curious as to why I bought a heart monitor. Here is the deal. I have suffered from anxiety attacks for years. I decided years ago that in order to alleviate the anxiety of exercising, I should monitor my heart rate.(but instead of wearing the monitor, I just quit exercising. LOL) When you have an anxiety attack your heart races. It is a very uncomfortable feeling, you panic and feel like you are going to die. So when I am working out or in pain my heart rate goes up. So in order to let my brain know that it is alright that my heart rate is going up; that it is not an anxiety attack, I keep track of my heart rate. The doctor gave me a danger level, and Mandy gave me a heart rate to shoot for when working out. That way my work outs are also helping my heart. YEAH for a faster heart rate. It is weird, I have spent years trying to keep it down and now I am working to get it up. :)

I went to my work out today. I arrived a little early so I jumped on the treadmill. The treadmill has a heart monitor too. So I checked it against mine, they were pretty much the same. So that is good. I put in 15 minutes on the treadmill at about 3 miles per hour. Not too bad. Then Mandy got there and we started the pain. I mean today I am in pain. I was sore to begin with and now I just ache. I am going to take a hot shower in a minute. Anyway, Mandy wanted me to balance on 1 foot while doing bicep curls with 5 pound weights. OK not hard right? Wrong! I could not maintain my balance. It was really funny. So she eventually had me work on my balancing. She got out one of the disc things. You know the ones that look like a ball cut in half and flat on the floor. Well they look pretty easy to stand on right? Wrong! She put it up by the wall and had me try and balance with both feet a little apart on the disc and use the wall to get my balance and hold the balance without the wall for 30 seconds. I could not do it that long. I worked and worked, I did get better, but still need work in that area. It was really funny. Because I really did not expect that to be the hard part. We did some weight work on our biceps and triceps and I did about 5 laps on the track. She had us do these leg lifts on the weight bench. Bend your knee, kneel on the bench with arms for support, one leg on floor. Taking the leg on the floor and extend out and up. The whole time maintaining your balance on the weight bench. HaHa, more work on balance. My weakness. I kept trying to extend the leg on the bench. It was easier for me to maintain my balance. So when we completed the exercise Mandy's way, she had us do them my way. I gave her an idea! woohoo. how funny. anyway, it was great fun. After our workouts we spent a good amount of time stretching and relaxing. It was nice, our group can be pretty talkative. Won't fit in there! lol

Mandy asked me how my battle with the Dew is going. I did not have one yesterday and none today.But it is hard. I think it is harder to give up the pop than working out. I get to work out with other people. I am fighting the battle of the pop on my own. Today I did really good, because I went into the 2 places where I usually can buy a dew and didn't even think about it. Target sells dew at their fountain and so does Quik Trip, I went to both stores today. No dew! YEAH!

Well I need to shower. Later.

Kathy

I'm ALIVE!

OK, today I am so sore. My upper body hurts in places I didn't know existed. It is great! I feel so alive! I feel sore, because, I have been using muscles that have been ignored for too long. I cannot explain how great it feels to wake up and know that I am sore because I have been working out. Many mornings I wake up feeling so tired, and so achy that I do not want to even get out of bed. But today, I woke up with this soreness that I can only describe as my muscles coming to life. It is a great feeling. I am looking forward to my workout today.

My youngest son has been having some symptoms of Asthma. Does not surprise me. The whole family has allergies and many of us already have asthma. He asked to go to the doctor and see if they can give him an inhaler. It seems to bother him most when he is exercising. So I called the doctor. The only appointment they had today was at 10:15. At first I said yes, then it hit me. No, that is during my time with Mandy. I asked the receptionist if they had another time. She said none on Friday, but he is in here on Saturday. (not his usual schedule) I then scheduled an appointment for early Saturday am. In the past, I would have put my son first and taken the appointment. I would have rationalized that he needs to be seen asap. I can work out, or do what ever I had planned another time. I have taken a back seat. I am not saying that I need to only think about myself. There definitely needs to be a balance. It is not going to hurt him to go on Saturday, when it is more convenient for all of us. He does not have PE today and this way he does not miss any school. A win win, in my opinion. In the past, I would not have pushed to meet my needs. I know it is important for me to take care of myself. I am establishing a lifelong habit right now. It may take some getting used to for everyone in the family. I have to get going right now. I forgot to turn off the alarm clock, got up before it went off. It is going off right now. lol Besides it is time to get the morning routine under way. Will write more later.

Kathy

Dreams

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

http://download.srv.cs.cmu.edu/~pausch/

I am putting these links to the Professor who is dying of pancreatic cancer and gave his last lecture in the fall, because this guy is so inspirational. When I first saw this I thought of a friend of mine who is fighting cancer. He has done a lot of living since he was diagnosed and has lived longer than expected. He has been an inspiration to me to follow my dreams. My biggest obstacle right now is discovering my dreams. I do not dream much. I never really dreamed big as a child so I cannot say that there are a lot of things I have dreamed of doing. I think I have spent so much of my life in survival mode, that I haven't really taken the time to dream. I need to consider this more to really discover my dreams.

I mean there are things I want to do, but are they really dreams? Many times the dreams were so unrealistic that I would just push them out of the way. I love archaeology. I love dinosaurs, museums, Egyptian things. I have wanted to see King Tut. I am planning a trip to see that exhibit in the fall. Tutankhamen and the Golden Age of the Pharaohs tour is coming to Dallas in October.

One other thing I have always wanted to do is go to the Grand Canyon. I want to take the tour down into the canyon and camp there, or go rafting down the river. I haven't done it because of my weight. Maybe this is a dream I can work on accomplishing.

As I get fit and lose weight, maybe my dreams will become realities. And just maybe I will dream more.
Kathy

Awesome Daffodil Principle

It looked as though someone had taken a great vat of gold and poured it over the mountain peak and its surrounding slopes. The flowers were planted in majestic, swirling patterns, great ribbons and swaths of deep orange, creamy white, lemon yellow, salmon pink, and saffron and butter yellow. Each different-colored variety was planted in large groups so that it swirled and flowed like its own river with its own unique hue. There were five acres of flowers.

"Who did this?" I asked Carolyn. "Just one woman," Carolyn answered. "She lives on the property. That's her home." Carolyn pointed to a well-kept A-frame house, small and modestly sitting in the midst of all that glory. We walked up to the house.

On the patio, we saw a poster. "Answers to the Questions I Know You Are Asking", was the headline. The first answer was a simple one. "50,000 bulbs," it read. The second answer was, "One at a time, by one woman. Two hands, two feet, and one brain." The third answer was, "Began in 1958."

For me, that moment was a life-changing experience. I thought of this woman whom I had never met, who, more than forty years before, had begun, one bulb at a time, to bring her vision of beauty and joy to an obscure mountaintop. Planting one bulb at a time, year after year, this unknown woman had forever changed the world in which she lived. One day at a time, she had created something of extraordinary magnificence, beauty, and inspiration. The principle her daffodil garden taught is one of thegreatest principles of celebration.



That is, learning to move toward our goals and desires one step at a time--often just one baby-step at time--and learning to love the doing, learning to use the accumulation of time. When we multiply tiny pieces of time with small increments of daily effort, we too will find we can accomplish magnificent things. We can change the world ...

"It makes me sad in a way," I admitted to Carolyn. "What might I have accomplished if I had thought of a wonderful goal thirty-five or forty years ago and had worked away at it 'one bulb at a time' through all those years? Just think what I might have been able to achieve!"

My daughter summed up the message of the day in her usual direct way. "Start tomorrow," she said.

She was right. It's so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. The way to make learning a lesson of celebration instead of a cause for regret is to only ask, "How can I put this to use today?"

Use the Daffodil Principle. Stop waiting.....

Until your car or home is paid off
Until you get a new car or home
Until your kids leave the house
Until you go back to school
Until you finish school
Until you clean the house
Until you organize the garage
Until you clean off your desk
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married
Until you get a divorce
Until you have kids
Until the kids go to school
Until you retire
Until summer
Until spring
Until winter
Until fall
Until you die...

There is no better time than right now to be happy.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
So work like you don't need money.
Love like you've never been hurt, and, Dance like no one's watching.



Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

Master or Slave?

Thought for the day.



Are you a master of your body and physical appetites? or are you a slave to them?



I would definitely say that I have been enslaved for years by my physical body and appetites. No more, I am taking control, going to change what I can.

Many people are trapped in their bodies, by things that they have no control over. They have to change their lives so they can live to fullest with what they have. They change their minds to accept and find ways to cope. I have an eye condition that I have no control over, but over the years I have accepted it. I know that I can control how I deal with the flares and my attitude about not being able to see. I have taken as much control with my eyes as I can. I take care of them, I am proactive, I get treatment, I communicate with my eye doctors. I have searched for specialists to help me with my condition. We have moved to make it easier for me to get around during a flare. I have been blessed with a great family and bunch of friends who support me.

I have a friend who recently has been diagnosed with Epilepsy. This has created a great hardship for her and her family. She is one of the most active people I know. She is involved in her church and community, does lots of volunteer work. She is very well respected by all who know her. She is an inspiration to me. Right now she cannot drive. And the seizures are not under control yet. I know she feels like a prisoner in her own body. Her attitude is fabulous. She laughs and talks about sounding like a drunken sailor. She is taking this time to reevaluate her life. To see what she can actually accomplish during this time of change. She is not sitting around feeling sorry for herself (although I am sure she has her moments, she is human) but she is doing as much as she can to help herself. Very important here, she is accepting help for what she cannot do by herself. She is allowing others to serve her. She has served so many people in her life, it is hard to be the one on the receiving end of service sometimes. But she has humbled herself and is taking it one day at a time. I just love her. What an inspiration she has been to me in the past and now.

You know there is wisdom in the Serenity Prayer,

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.



I know that right now there are things in my life that I have no control over, that I cannot change. But there is much I can change. My health is a major thing. It does really affect my entire life, every aspect. I can improve my life by changing my health. I can work out, I can make good food choices, I can stop drinking pop, I can drink more water. I can do so much more that I ever thought possible. I feel so alive and hopeful for a better life. I am so excited.

Go and have a better tomorrow.

Kathy

You can always find someone worse off than you.....

http://www.kansascity.com/news/breaking_news/story/527676.html

Sheriff: Woman spent 2 years sitting on boyfriend's toilet

The Associated Press

"There is always someone who has had it worse than you."

Kathy

Finding my Authentic Self

"The challenge for each of us is to find the authentic YOU. We have an internal compass that always points to our true north. We must find that compass and that true north for each of us and then follow it. We know when we have it because that is when we feel energy. That is when we feel the least amount of resistance. That is when we are doing what comes naturally and was meant for us."

This was said at our Women's Conference on Saturday.

It really hit me. I want to find my authentic self. I want to feel energized, I want to know what comes naturally and what is meant for me.

My faith has always come naturally to me. The Lord has blessed me with the ability to recognize truth when I see it. I have been blessed with much faith.

When I heard the talk on Saturday, I knew it was time to make some changes. I just didn't know what changes. On Sunday, I realized it was changes in my way I live my life. My health. My weight affects every aspect in my life. Even my ability to serve. I have recently been asked to run for VP of our PTA in the elementary school where my youngest son attends. I want to do it. I want to be more involved in the school. I want to do all that is asked of me. I also work with the Young Women in our church. They are so full of energy, I cannot keep up with them. I want to be able to do more with them, serve them better. Serve the Lord more fully. I know I have to find a way to serve. I have to find the energy it is going to take to fulfill my commitments. I have to get healthy.

So on Monday, I went to the community center and met with my personal trainer, Mandy. (link to her blog is at the bottom of my home page as well.) There are other ladies all over 30 that work out in the group. The trainer had us working out for close to an hour. If I had been working out by myself, I would have quit 10 or 15 minutes in. But since I kept going, I discovered I could do so much more than I thought. I felt so good after the work out. For the first time in my life I think I had an endorphin rush from working out. Never have I felt so good about working out, it was fabulous. However, that night I started to feel the pain. The next morning was not too bad. I went swimming in the afternoon for about 40 minutes. At first I could not get 1 lap in, but I worked at it. I walked or swam for the whole 40 minutes. I pretty much got up to swim a lap then walk a lap. I had spaghetti legs after, for a short while.

Monday afternoon was a stressful time for me. I had a houseful of kids and they were not getting along. I was feeling very tired and their bickering was getting on my last nerve. I really wanted a Mt. Dew. But then I stopped and said why do you want it? I realized that I use drinking a pop as a way to relax. I really enjoy a soda and sitting down to watch some TV. Well, I sent the kids outside, and then took a couple of deep breaths, drank a class of water and told myself If I really wanted it, I could have it. But I decided that I do not want to drink it as a stress reducer. I need to find other ways to reduce stress. When my husband came home I took a nice bath, and felt a lot better. I am proud of myself.

Today, I got up and was really tired this morning. I did not want to do much of anything. I might have even been feeling depressed or hormonal. I really wanted a dew. I think the hardest thing about this journey so far is the pop drinking. I am trying to quit drinking pop. I drink caffeine free Mt. Dew. Many (including myself) thought I was addicted to the caffeine but when I switched to caffeine free, I realized that it is the sugar. It has also become a way of life for me. I have rationalized drinking it because I don't drink alcohol or smoke, why can't I have a soda? Well, I did some calculating of just how many calories I was drinking and how much money I was spending. Suffice it to say, I should drop a bunch of weight just by stopping the pop and I can practically pay for the personal trainer with the money I was spending on pop. Who knows what I can do with the money from the other junk foods my family consumes?! I am really proud of my efforts on the dew front. I have no pop in the house and if I feel like a dew I am going to have to go out for it. Giving me time to reconsider my choices. I have drank a couple since my first conversation with my trainer, but I am making strides in the right direction. In the past I have had the mentality of needing to be perfect all the time, and thus set myself up for failure. Now I am just trying to make conscious choices and give myself time to consider the consequences.

Well back to this morning. I wanted a dew. I did not get one. I ate some scrambled eggs and then went to the community center. I walked for about 20 minutes on the treadmill and then I swam for close to 40 more minutes. Yeah for spaghetti legs!

We had some pizza tonite for dinner. I only ate two small pieces and drank water. No Pop! I am so proud. I feel really good about the choices I am making.

Here is another quote from the women's conference: "When we find our purpose in life, we must match this against what we are doing and then make adjustments so that we are in sync with our compass. Then we will obtain and achieve the things that our Heavenly Father wants us to achieve in this life. That is when we will obtain our true potential. "


I am working towards my true potential, finding my authentic self. I am feeling pretty good right now.

Thanks for reading.

Kathy

Orbiting the Giant Hairball

An excerpt from the book “Orbiting the Giant Hairball” by Gordon MacKenzie

Chapter #24: Paint Me a Masterpiece

• Picture the Mona Lisa and the masterpiece’s subtleties of hue and tone.
• Now compare it to the paint by number Mona Lisa that perhaps you painted when you were little. Notice the distinct separation of colors not existent in the original.
• A Fantasy: Before you were born God gave each of us a canvas and were given the request to paint a masterpiece. At birth the canvas is taken away and given to society for safe keeping. Society cannot resist the temptation to help you out and paint a few blue lines and little numbers all over its virgin surface. Eventually, the canvas is returned to you the rightful owner. However it now carries the implied message that if you will paint inside the blue lines and follow the instructions of the little blue numbers your life will be a masterpiece.
• And that is a lie.
• For more that 50 years I worked on my paint by number creation. With uneven but persistent diligence, I dipped an emaciated paint by numbers brush into color No. 1 and painstakingly painted inside each little blue-bordered area marked 1. More than once I painted beyond a line and, feeling embarrassed, would either try to wipe off the errant color or cover it over with another before anyone might notice my lack of perfection.
• There came a time after half a century of daubing more or less inside the lines, that my days were visited by traumatic events. The dividends of my noxious past came home to roost, and the myth of my life began horrifically to come unglued. I pulled back from my masterpiece-in-the-works and saw it with an emerging clarity.
• It looked awful.
• The stifled strokes of paint had nothing to do with me. They did not illustrate who I am or speak of whom I could become. I felt duped, cheated, ashamed – anguished that I had wasted so much canvas, so much paint. I was angry that I had been conned into doing so.
• But that is past. Passed.
• Today, I wield a wider brush. And I’m swooping it through the sensuous goo of Cadmium Yellow, Alizarin Crimson or Ultramarine Blue (not nos. 4,13 or 8) to create the biggest, brightest, funniest, fiercest portrait that I can. Because that has more to do with what’s inside of me than some prescribed plagiarism of somebody else’s tour de force.
• You have a masterpiece inside you, too, you know. One unlike any that has ever been created, or ever will be.
• And remember: If you go to your grave without painting your masterpiece, it will not get painted. No one else can paint it. ONLY YOU.

New awakenings

Hi, my name is Kathy. I am writing this blog to help me on my journey to getting fit and healthy. The truth is I am a 47 year woman who is 150 pounds overweight. This fact affects every aspect of my life.

It really hit me last week when I was watching Biggest Loser. They ran an ad that was talking about how they are having open calls for new couples for the new season. I have a really good friend who also wants to lose weight. I called her, she just happens to live where they were having an open call. We decided to apply. I tried and tried to get a flight out for less than $300--but could not swing it. My friend and her daughter went to the call anyway. She said it was fun and interesting. I am so proud of her for going. I know how hard it was for her. I wish I could have been there, not so much for the opportunity to go on Biggest Loser as the time to spend with my friend.

On Thursday I took my 11 year old daughter to the doctor. She is taller than I and when she weighed in, I realized 2 things, I have more weight to lose than she weighs and she is about 20 pounds overweight. I was shocked. I realized then that my problem with my weight was trickling down. I went home and mulled it over. I started thinking about what attracted me to trying The Biggest Loser. I realize that being in that environment of just concentrating on me and my weight issues would be really nice, but not too realistic for my family. I know how to eat right, I just don't. :) Have to tell it like it is. I am not stupid, just fat. lol and I have tried Weight Watchers so many times I have all the stuff and it is not hard to figure out what I should be doing about eating. The real problem I have is I do not like to exercise. In fact I have hated it in the past. I decided I needed help to work out. So I started contacting personal trainers through the local community center. Made contact with one that I felt a connection with (I will write more about her in a different blog) and she offered to have me come to the center on the following Monday.

The weekend was really busy. I had a women's conference at my church. One of our leaders spoke on how special women are and how they need to find their true self. His talk was fabulous, it felt like he was speaking directly to me. I knew that my true self is not able to come out, she is buried under 150 pounds. I went home thinking about what he said. One of the quotes he gave really spoke to me, he quoted an excerpt from the book "Orbiting the Giant Hairball" by Gordon Mackenzie. I will include the quote in a separate blog. Anyway, I pondered about what he said all night. The next morning in the shower it hit me. It was like a light bulb moment (Oprah), but I really know that it was the Lord speaking to me about what he wants for me. I got out of the shower and started telling my husband about my thoughts and feelings.

My church has a Word of Wisdom that we are advised to live by in regards to our health. All the years as a member of the Church I have obeyed the letter of the law. Sunday I realized that I am not obeying the spirit of that law. The Lord wants me to be able to "run and not be weary...", to have joy in my life. To be able to serve to my fullest capacity. To do the things that help me to become more like him. I was crying as I spoke to my husband. The truth will set you free and the dam had broke. I know that all the years of packing on my protective coat was something I did to deal with years of abuse as a child. I know that since I am not a smoker or drinker, I coped with my stuff with food and soda. I have had years of therapy and have been treated with meds for years for depression and anxiety. I have had the anxiety under control for years and the depression for over a year now. I seem to be functioning mentally on an even keel. But the physical has been ignored. I told my husband, "Why am I allowing my abusers to ruin my adulthood too?" I realized I was still giving them power over my life. They are all dead for goodness sakes, it is time to let it go. To live my life to it's fullest.

SO..........here it is.........

I am too fat. (now I know some of you may say don't call yourself fat. But come on, it is time for me to be honest with myself. To quit lying or sugar coating it. stop being gentle or politically correct. I have been doing that for years. Of course I would never call anyone else fat, I am just admitting it to myself. It is what it is. I am fat, not overweight. Plus sized, when I get fit will I be minus sized? I am morbidly obese. Morbidly obese think about it. not a pretty term. I do not want other people to call me fat, but just know that I know the truth. The first step is admitting you have a problem and facing the truth. ) It is time to take a real honest look at all the reasons why I want to be healthy.

I cannot work an entire day. I cannot hardly stay awake for a full day. I get too tired. I have been taking naps in the afternoon for months. If I have an evening activity planned, I know I have to take it easy that day in order to get to the activity.

I cannot garden, I want to garden. But this fat body cannot get up off the ground.

I like to take baths, but when your body touches the sides and the water is dammed off into separate compartments because you are so fat, a bath is not as nice. Taking a shower is hard too. I have to step into the tub and then out, and when I shower my arms touch the sides when I try to wash or shampoo. Very annoying.

Oh, lets talk about public bathrooms. I use the handicap one so I can have enough room to maneuver around in it. but then my feet dangle on the toilet and that causes its own set of problems.

Sometimes, when I ride in peoples cars with them, I cannot wear a seat belt. It is embarrassing. Seat belts, how fun are they? They barely fit and keep me restricted in my movement. I always wear them when in the front seat of any car. Airplane belts are too small and all I have to do is make a sign to the Flight attendant and they know what I need. And the dunlap is so embarrassing, that I hope I am beside a skinny person. So we don't touch. I better not have to use the bathroom for the whole flight, there is no moving in there.

I love to go to movies. I choose my theater carefully, so I can sit in the seats. I like the seats where the arms come up. I also like to sit in seats in the front row where the railing is, this gives me more leg room and easier if anyone has to get past me. One time my cell went off in the theater I was in a hurry to get out to answer it, so I just kind of jogged to the door. While running my fat apron flapped against itself making this horribly embarrassing sound. I did not see the end of that movie. I could not go back into the theater.

My husband gets tickets every year from his employer for Worlds of Fun for the family. It is so hard for me to go. I cannot hardly walk from the parking lot, let alone all around the park. Then I cannot even ride any of the rides, too large. Used to love going on Roller Coasters.

My children love to go to the zoo. But it is way too much walking for me. I would love to just be able to go for a fun day with the kids, and not feel like it was killing me.

My husband bought bikes for the whole family. He has been begging me to ride with him and the kids. I beg off. I finally told him that I cannot ride because I am too fat. My calves and my thighs touch when I cycle. How crazy is that? and balancing is hard, because I cannot get up to speed to keep it straight. The thought of falling is overwhelmingly scary. I could really hurt myself. You know what they say the bigger you are the harder you fall. well 300 pounds falling from several feet up would not feel good, of that I am sure. I want to ride bikes with the family. It would be nice. My husband and youngest son love to ride and we have fabulous trails in our area.

I am not living my life to the fullest. I sit most of it out.

Sleeping is difficult. I wake up still tired many nights. I am sure I probably have sleep apnea. The thought of wearing a mask to bed at night is not appealing.

I have asthma, so this makes any type of movement difficult at times. Our medical expenses are horrible. Losing weight could not hurt in that area.

Walking is even hard. My legs rub together, so I waddle so my legs don't rub so much, making me look much like I am 1way pregnant. no baby in here.

I love shoes, but cannot buy the cute ones--feet too big and wide. And my feet hurt hauling all this fat around, so I have to wear smart comfortable shoes.

I love clothes, but my tastes are different than what I can find for my size. so much of it makes me look like some old lady.

I have to admit the truth, I need to take control of my life and make some changes for the better. My next blog will talk about the changes I have made this week.

Kathy