Tuesday, March 11, 2008

New awakenings

Hi, my name is Kathy. I am writing this blog to help me on my journey to getting fit and healthy. The truth is I am a 47 year woman who is 150 pounds overweight. This fact affects every aspect of my life.

It really hit me last week when I was watchin
g Biggest Loser. They ran an ad that was talking about how they are having open calls for new couples for the new season. I have a really good friend who also wants to lose weight. I called her, she just happens to live where they were having an open call. We decided to apply. I tried and tried to get a flight out for less than $300--but could not swing it. My friend and her daughter went to the call anyway. She said it was fun and interesting. I am so proud of her for going. I know how hard it was for her. I wish I could have been there, not so much for the opportunity to go on Biggest Loser as the time to spend with my friend.

On Thursday I took my 11 year old daughter to the doctor. She is taller than I and when she weighed in, I realized 2 things, I have more weight to lose than she weighs and she is about 20 pounds overweight. I was shocked. I realized then that my problem with my weight was trickling down. I went home and mulled it over. I started thinking about what attracted me to trying The Biggest Loser. I realize that being in that environment of just concentrating on me and my weight issues would be really nice, but not too realistic for my family. I know how to eat right, I just don't. :) Have to tell it like it is. I am not stupid, just fat. lol and I have tried Weight Watchers so many times I have all the stuff and it is not hard to figure out what I should be doing about eating. The real problem I have is I do not like to exercise. In fact I have hated it in the past. I decided I needed help to work out. So I started contacting personal trainers through the local community center. Made contact with one that I felt a connection with (I will write more about her in a different blog) and she offered to have me come to the center on the following Monday.

The weekend was really busy. I had a women's conference at my church. One of our leaders spoke on how special women are and how they need to find their true self. His talk was fabulous, it felt like he was speaking directly to me. I
knew that my true self is not able to come out, she is buried under 150 pounds. I went home thinking about what he said. One of the quotes he gave really spoke to me, he quoted an excerpt from the book "Orbiting the Giant Hairball" by Gordon Mackenzie. I will include the quote in a separate blog. Anyway, I pondered about what he said all night. The next morning in the shower it hit me. It was like a light bulb moment (Oprah), but I really know that it was the Lord speaking to me about what he wants for me. I got out of the shower and started telling my husband about my thoughts and feelings.

My church has a Word of Wisdom that we are advised to live by in regards to our health. All the years as a member of the Church I have obeyed the letter of the law. Sunday I realized that I am not obeying the spirit of that law. The Lord wants me to be able to "run and not be weary...", to have joy in my life. To be able to serve to my fullest capacity. To do the things that help me to become more like him. I was crying as I spoke to my husband. The truth will set you free and the dam had broke. I know that all the years of packing on my protective coat was something I did to deal with years of abuse as a child. I know that since I am not a smoker or drinker, I coped with my stuff with food and soda. I have had years of therapy and have been treated with meds for years for depression and anxiety. I have had the anxiety under control for years and the depression for over a year now. I seem to be functioning mentally on an even keel. But the physical has been ignored. I told my husband, "Why am I allowing my abusers to ruin my adulthood too?" I realized I was still giving them power over my life. They are all dead for goodness sakes, it is time to let it go. To live my life to it's fullest.

SO..........here it is.........

I am too fat.
(now I know some of you may say don't call yourself fat. But come on, it is time for me to be honest with myself. To quit lying or sugar coating it. stop being gentle or politically correct. I have been doing that for years. Of course I would never call anyone else fat, I am just admitting it to myself. It is what it is. I am fat, not overweight. Plus sized, when I get fit will I be minus sized? I am morbidly obese. Morbidly obese think about it. not a pretty term. I do not want other people to call me fat, but just know that I know the truth. The first step is admitting you have a problem and facing the truth. ) It is time to take a real honest look at all the reasons why I want to be healthy.

I cannot work an entire day. I cannot hardly stay awake for a full day. I get too tired. I have been taking naps in the afternoon for months. If I have an evening activity planned, I know I have to take it easy that day in order to get to the activity.

I cannot garden, I want to garden. But this fat body cannot get up off the ground.

I like to take baths, but when your body touches the sides and the water is dammed off into separate compartments because you are so fat, a bath is not as nice. Taking a shower is hard too. I have to step into the tub and then out, and when I shower my arms touch the sides when I try to wash or shampoo. Very annoying.

Oh, lets talk about public bathrooms. I use the handicap one so I can have enough room to maneuver around in it. but then my feet dangle on the toilet and that causes its own set of problems.

Sometimes, when I ride in peoples cars with them, I cannot wear a seat belt. It is embarrassing. Seat belts, how fun are they? They barely fit and keep me restricted in my movement. I always wear them when in the front seat of any car. Airplane belts are too small and all I have to do is make a sign to the Flight attendant and they know what I need. And the dunlap is so embarrassing, that I hope I am beside a skinny person. So we don't touch. I better not have to use the bathroom for the whole flight, there is no moving in there.

I love to go to movies. I choose my theater carefully, so I can sit in the seats. I like the seats where the arms come up. I also like to sit in seats in the front row where the railing is, this gives me more leg room and easier if anyone has to get past me. One time my cell went off in the theater I was in a hurry to get out to answer it, so I just kind of jogged to the door. While running my fat apron flapped against itself making this horribly embarrassing sound. I did not see the end of that movie. I could not go back into the theater.

My husband gets tickets every year from his employer for Worlds of Fun for the family. It is so hard for me to go. I cannot hardly walk from the parking lot, let alone all around the park. Then I cannot even ride any of the rides, too large. Used to love going on Roller Coasters.

My children love to go to the zoo. But it is way too much walking for me. I would love to just be able to go for a fun day with the kids, and not feel like it was killing me.

My husband bought bikes for the whole family. He has been begging me to ride with him and the kids. I beg off. I finally told him that I cannot ride because I am too fat. My calves and my thighs touch when I cycle. How crazy is that? and balancing is hard, because I cannot get up to speed to keep it straight. The thought of falling is overwhelmingly scary. I could really hurt myself. You know what they say the bigger you are the harder you fall. well 300 pounds falling from several feet up would not feel good, of that I am sure. I want to ride bikes with the family. It would be nice. My husband and youngest son love to ride and we have fabulous trails in our area.

I am not living my life to the fullest. I sit most of it out.

Sleeping is difficult. I wake up still tired many nights. I am sure I probably have sleep apnea. The thought of wearing a mask to bed at night is not appealing.

I have asthma, so this makes any type of movement difficult at times. Our medical expenses are horrible. Losing weight could not hurt in that area.

Walking is even hard. My legs rub together, so I waddle so my legs don't rub so much, making me look much like I am 1way pregnant. no baby in here.

I love shoes, but cannot buy the cute ones--feet too big and wide. And my feet hurt hauling all this fat around, so I have to wear smart comfortable shoes.

I love clothes, but my tastes are different than what I can find for my size. so much of it makes me look like some old lady.

I have to admit the truth, I need to take control of my life and make some changes for the better. My next blog will talk about the changes I have made this week.


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