Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Couldn't sleep

I had a hard time sleeping last night. When I did sleep I dreamt of dead people. My dreams were filled with my dead relatives and some live ones. But mostly my mother and father. So I decided I needed to blog this am.

I have had several significant deaths in my family. My grandmother passed away in December 1989. My mother passed in August 1993. A cousin who was my age died in October 2006. My father passed in November 2006. One of Jim's brothers died in December 2003 (I think that was the year, I cannot recall for sure.) These deaths have affected me. I have been to several funerals over the years, seems like more as I age. But my grandmother, mother and father hit me the hardest. I plan to blog a tribute to each of them later.

I decided last night that I am not in a good place right now. Symptoms have been coming on. But right now I am an emotional sponge. When I am in this place I am easily pushed over the edge with my emotions. Because of this I have decided I cannot go to Megan Kitchen's funeral. I am so sorry for all who mourn her and for all who have been affected by this tragedy. Words cannot do justice to how badly I feel on behalf of these people. I am sure that Lori will understand, she knows of my past mental health issues. She is a loving friend so I have decided to support her in other ways. I hope that others will understand when they do not see me at the funeral today. I know that I have to watch out for my mental health as I have struggled with this illness for way too long to not recognize the signs. I have to keep myself in a place that is safe and calm. I want to be here with my family and not in the spa. I will blog more later.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

A life changing event

I have regained my composure enough to blog about my feelings. Yesterday I found out that friends from my old Stake/Ward lost their 17 year old daughter in a car accident on Friday night. Their daughter, Megan was a beautiful, active, righteous young lady. She was in a car with 2 young men from the Liberty Stake.

Physically the young men have minor injuries, mentally will be a different story. I feel so bad for Megan's family. I know that they have experienced much pain in the past couple of years. I also know that we have the same faith in forever families and faith in a loving Heavenly Father. There is nothing that I can say to help. There is nothing I can do to help. All I can say is I am sorry and I love you. I will do whatever is needed of me to help. I pray that their family will feel peace and comfort during this time. I cannot even fathom, nor do I wish to imagine, the pain they are feeling.

The first thing I wanted to do was see my children and so we talked, hugged and kissed. My oldest finally returned my call today. I do not think he understood my desire to hear his voice and know that he was alright. I cannot explain it. I just needed to know. Now that he is married and living on his own starting a new life, I do not see him as much. I know he is busy, but it is hard for me at times. I just want to see him and his wife. Recently he graduated from the fire academy. He is still searching for a full time position as a fireman. Part of me wants him to find that position because I know it would make him happy. Part of me wants him to stay safe and never find a job as a fireman. I know selfish huh? I cannot help worrying, it is part of who I am. I just try to not think about it. I am pretty good at ignoring things. I am an expert at that, but I digress.

I feel badly for the boy who was driving and the other boy who also survived. It is a hard road that they will travel. I pray for them and their families. I pray that they will know forgiveness. I pray that they will forgive themselves.

When I was 19 and had only been driving less than 6 months I had a very bad car wreck. I was driving a huge 4 door 8 cylinder car for the first time. The car belonged to my boyfriend. We had been to the lake on a beautiful July day in Nevada. I was driving, my boyfriend was in the front seat, in the back was a married couple with their 6 month old daughter. It was 1981, we did not have seat belts in the car and no law about car seats. We had our windows open, no air conditioning. The feel of the wind blowing through the car was fabulous. We had the radio on loud. We were talking and laughing. We were having fun. I was driving way too fast and tried to pass a van on I-80 going east from Reno towards Winnemucca. I hit the shoulder made of sand, the girl in the back seat screamed. I remember it was really loud and then total silence. Eerie silence and total darkness. I thought I was dead, but then I smelled sage brush. A smell that I have never really liked and I thought, "I cannot be dead because God would not put sagebrush in Heaven." (Yes, I thought I would go to heaven. Funny it did not occur to me that I was in hell with the sage brush!) I heard someone say "Where is Kathy?". Then someone else said "oh no she is under the car". Then screaming "she's dead!" I thought to myself "I am not dead but I will be if I do not get out of here." I suddenly could not breathe and started to panic. I realized where I was and that the darkness was the roof of the car in my face. I tried to turn my face just a little to the right and I could see light. I realized my feet were sticking out from under the car. I had no shoes on. (lost my flip flops) I thought of the scene in the Wizard of Oz when the witch is under the car and her shoes disappear and her feet shrivel up because she is dead. (my boyfriend and I had seen the movie in Reno at the MGM Grand theater just a couple of days before.) In my panic I realized I needed to let them know I was alive if I wanted to stay that way. I began to wiggle my feet and tried to scream. I could not get enough breath to scream. Suddenly I heard voices scream "she's alive, lets get this car off her!" Then release I could breathe and see. Several truckers had stopped and proceeded to lift the huge car off me and then pull me out by my feet. The first thing I did was sit up. Not the smartest move. A ton of blood rushed out of my nose and I passed out. I came to as the paramedics were loading me into the ambulance. David, my boyfriend at the time started telling jokes and telling the paramedics that I would do anything to keep from cooking him a meal. (we were going to have a nice steak dinner at my house that night.) He really helped to ease my fears. By the time we were at the hospital I was laughing. My pastor and the couple from the back seat were there to greet us. The couple caught a ride into town. This was before cell phones. They called the ambulance and sent them to us. Everyone thought I was dead and was very surprised to see me breathing and laughing. I will never forget how grateful I felt when I saw them. They were fine, the only scratch any of them had was on their baby's head from being pulled out of the car through the broken window. A piece of glass scraped the baby's head. But nothing serious. It turned out that David had a broken shoulder and collar bone so they flew him to Reno for surgery. I had a dislocated hip, broken leg,cracked front teeth and concussion. They said the concussion was why I did not remember what happened. According to witnesses I lost control of the car and swerved all over the road. I finally ended up in the meridian having flipped the car on it's hood. I must have flown out the windshield because of the cuts I had all over my head and arms. We landed in sand. That sand saved my life. Witnesses said that they stopped because there was so much dust that they could not see and many of them did not know what had happened. We stopped traffic on both sides of I-80. The police came to the hospital. I got ticketed for reckless driving resulting in an accident. A $25 fine at the time. The police man felt bad giving me the ticket. I was just so grateful that we were all alive. I did not care about the ticket.

We went to see the car after we got out of the hospital. It was totaled. I took a picture, you can see my body imprint on the vinyl hood of the car. I was lucky that the accident did not mess up my face. David said when they pulled me out from under the car, he was afraid that my face would be all mangled. But only my teeth were cracked. I ended up getting a new bridge.

That accident was a real turning point in my life. It changed the course of my life. Many times over the years I have thought how different my life would be if someone had been seriously hurt or killed.

When David got home from Reno, we had a hard time getting to see each other. He lived in the country, I lived in town. I did not have a car and I wrecked his. So we talked on the phone a lot for 3 weeks. Sometimes his little brother would bring him into town to see me. On one of those visits we were talking about how blessed we were that we lived. We decided the we were meant to be together because of this, so we eloped. We called our friends that were in the car with us and they took us to city hall that afternoon. Me in my cast, he in his sling. We got married. Even their baby was there. After when we told everyone, they did not believe us. They had to see the marriage certificate before they believed it. My church and our friends threw us a reception and we started our lives together. We got married August 1st, 1981. Our son Mike was born on May 25, 1982. David was a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was a member of the Assembly of God. My pastor was so proud that I married the Bishop's son. David came to church with me because he was proud to be a Jack Mormon, as he said. Because of the accident he lost his job. So we moved with my Mom and step-Dad to Las Vegas for employment. There I called the missionaries to investigate the Church. In September of 1982 I joined the church. David's family came down from Winnemucca for the baptism. His father baptised, confirmed me and blessed our 4 month old Michael. That day I was blessed that I would go to the temple and have my forever family. I truly wanted this. I just did not know it would not be with David. David and I separated when Mike was 9 months old and divorced 10 months later. After our divorce I moved to Iowa to be near my family. I was born in Des Moines and still had lots of family there. My mother and her husband were living in Hawaii at the time. (they traveled a lot for his work.) I wanted to have some space between David and I. He had some major drug and alcohol problems and I needed to be sure Mike and I were safe. So we started a new life in Iowa. I went to college and got a good job. I met Jim (my husband of 20 years) at singles. We were married in 1989 in the Manti Temple. David's family was there. Dwayne, his father and Milt, Jim's father were the witnesses at our sealing. Jim and I had Mike sealed to us in that ceremony. David gave us permission. A missionary in my ward was going home to Las Vegas and he and his father went to David's house. They got a letter from him giving permission to have Mike sealed to us. David's comment was "I won't be in the Celestial Kingdom anyway, what difference does it make to me?" I will be eternally grateful to that missionary and his father. He then came to the wedding with the original letter. He had mailed a copy to us as well. So many things happened in order for me to discover the gospel and to go to the temple with the love of my life.

How different would my life be if someone had died in that car accident?

How beautiful is the healing power of our Savior. He has helped me so many times in my life. Especially during the time after my divorce. I was loved by my church family. I had a fabulous Relief Society President who took me under her wing and loved me at a time when I felt so unworthy of any one's love. She reminded me that I was loved. She reminded me of what was really important in life.

I raised my son for 7 years by myself with the help of Heavenly Father and with the support of loved ones.

I am truly blessed. I am grateful for that terrible accident that changed my life. I am grateful for the Gospel, my family, my friends and my testimony. I am grateful for my faith and love for my Savior, Jesus Christ. I have always had a child like love and faith in Christ. As a child I always went to church even though my family did not. I always found someone to take me. I am grateful for that gift of faith and love. It helped me to accept the truth when I saw it.

Would my life be different if someone had died in that car accident? I am grateful that I did not have to find out. I pray that those boys will come out stronger because of this tragedy. I pray that they will have peace. The kind of peace that can come from our loving Heavenly Father. I pray that they will forgive themselves. I pray that they will feel love and support from those around them.

I am so sorry that this has happened. I pray that all the people touched by this will have the peace and comfort that they need at this time. I bear witness that we can have these blessings at this time. I love my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I close this post in the name of my Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Stalker, peeping tom, follower to flasher

I have become a bit of a blog stalker. I know that they call it following. But some of the things I read gives me such insight into the writer's life and thoughts that I feel like I am a peeping tom or a stalker. I think that is why I have become reluctant to blog myself. Some of the things I think about blogging are very personal. Not personal in the way that would be improper to share, (like a flasher) but personal in the way that they will reveal things about me that perhaps I do not want to even know myself. So for those of you who have been after me to blog, I am working on it. I know that blogging makes me feel better when I have done it. But blogging is like going to a counselor for me. It is good for me,but it brings up stuff. Viva la stuff. Pain can be good when it leads to growth. Over the years I have spent a lot of time and money trying to grow but it seems I have become an expert at burying my stuff and growing rounder. So my fellow stalkers, be patient with me I am trying to dig out of my stuff.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Organization, waste of time?

Ok, I have really made an effort to get organized. I bought the Palm Pilot after much research as to what would work best for me. I decided on the Palm because it has a good sized screen and is not too hard to manipulate for my hands. My fingers are not as capable on those smaller keyboards. With the recent demise of my Palm I have been considering other things I do to stay organized. LOL Anybody who knows me, knows I can organize the heck out of anyone else including the worst offices you have ever seen, but to organize my own life is an ongoing struggle. I have a really good friend that I admire and watch in awe. She is so organized that I call her B.O.--Born Organized. She is my hero, I want to be like her when I grow up. But I digress.... In the last couple of days I have had some difficulty finding things. Now these are not big things, but needful just the same. How did I lose them you might ask? Well, I lost them by picking them up and trying to find a home for them. They were laying around and not where they were supposed to be. I picked them up and went to put them away. But now they are not where they are supposed to be and not where they were when I picked them up. I cannot find them anywhere. It is a conspiracy. A conspiracy for me to just stop picking things up. One of the items was something my daughter had left out. I remember picking it up and going to put it away. But when we went to go get it, it was not there. My daughter in her infinite wisdom says "I left it out so I could find it when I needed it, why didn't you just leave it alone?" Good question, why? I don't know, because I have a dream of an organized and clean house. Of a place for everything and everything in it's place. Why is it that we can find things when we don't need them and then when we do they are nowhere to be found?

and just where do all the socks go? Honestly, I just bought my 7 yo son new socks for school. I washed, folded them and put them in his drawers for him. But since the first week of school his socks have disappeared. I do not know where they are, I have looked everywhere. Do they walk off by themselves? Have they been eaten or thrown out? I can only find odds and ends of old socks and one pair of the new ones. When asked what has happened to his socks, he declares ignorance to ever having owned a sock in his life. I just do not know about this. Today in the rain he wore sandals. I hope he likes wet feet and that today was not a gym day. He will be disappointed if they do get to go out at recess today despite the rain. Last night He was telling us that he did not like it when all the kids used to gather around the guinea pig at recess. The teacher had to make a new rule that only two could be with the pig at a time. He liked that rule. We said that is better for the pig because it could be overwhelming to have all those kids around you. He said he didn't know about that, but now he has someone to play soccer with. It's the little things that make a child happy. Someone to play with. Make time to play today. :)

Saturday, September 20, 2008

I need to be more careful of what I wish for---because now I am busy, busy

You have to be careful of what you wish for, you might just get it. I did. I wanted to lose weight and be able to be more busy. Well I have lost some weight, but the busy part has come a little faster than I expected. I need to catch up with the healthy part. lol I really enjoy the things that I am doing, I just need a little more energy.

I have been considering expanding my blog to other ramblings regarding my life. Many events have occurred in my life since my last post. I am going to take this time to catch up on some of those events.

My oldest son graduated from the Fire Academy. I am very proud of him for all the hard work he has put into getting this accomplished. He has worked full-time and gone to the academy. It was a hard road but so worth it. Now on to getting the job of his dreams. While doing the school thing, he also got engaged. I absolutely love his fiance. She is fabulous and makes my son a better man. A mother cannot ask for more than that. I have helped them by making the wedding invitations and will be hosting a bridal shower with my daughter. It has made for a busy time in our home. But a very happy time, too. The wedding is in late October. My 12 year old daughter will be a candle lighter for the wedding. We have already purchased her dress. I have not found a dress as yet. I am hoping to lose another dress size in time for the wedding. However, today I did try on some dresses for the wedding. I was able to get into a size 24 which is great! I just did not like anything that I tried on. LOL :) I do not think that will get any easier, even with weight loss. I just do not like to shop. :)

Recently I went to lunch with some friends of mine. We went to Olive Garden. The last time I had been there, I was embarrassed. The waiter had seated us in a booth and I could not fit and had to ask to be reseated. This time the waitress sat us in a booth again. I hesitated and then tried to sit down. Success! I was able to have our lunch while sitting in a booth. Yeah! Big accomplishment. It was nice to not have to ask to be reseated.

Last week a friend from church passed away. She was a fairly young mother of 2. They believe she passed of a heart attack. She was overweight. It was very sad. I have had such fears of passing that way myself that it really hit me hard. I have 2 children about the same age as hers still at home. What would happen to them i f I were to die right now? It makes me shudder to think of it. Of course we never know when we may die. And my faith in Jesus Christ sustains me in times like these. But this just reinforces to me how I should continue to work hard to be more healthy. Doing my part to be here to finish raising them is definitely a worthy aspiration. My mother died at 50 of a heart attack. Of course I know she had other contributing factors that I do not have. but then I have contributing factors that she did not have. So do they equal out? That big 50 birthday is looming ever closer. I fear that I will not live to see 51 as my mother did not. I do not know how to overcome this fear. I guess I just keep plugging away at trying to improve my health.

I have not accomplished as much as I would have liked to have done by now. But at least I am still trying. This week I bought a Nike armband from my trainer, Mandy.She was surprised by her husband with a Garmin. But I just love the Nike armband. It is even an attractive watch. I have taken to wearing it, just as a reminder to be more conscious of my health. Things that make me happy: my new Nike armband, my shuffle, a good pairs of tennies, my dog and an early moring walk in the crisp air. Woo Hoo! Funny how different it is to be happy about exercise. lol

This time of the year is so beautiful. But why does it always depress me so much? I hate the way I feel right now. I feel the ever looming depression creeping into my days again. I do not know what else I can do to keep it at bay. I absolutely love my house. It has so many windows that I get so much natural light in the rooms. I was hopeful that would really help with the depression. I guess it does, but then I still have that pit feeling that I get. There is no explanation for it, it just is what it is. This is my life, have to deal with it.

Yesterday I woke up to discover my palm pilot (my entire life in a handheld device) having shorted out. It burnt a scorch mark on my night stand, and now will not power up. I contacted Palm and they are having me mail it to them on their dime and maybe I will get a new one out of the deal. Who knows. I am so grateful that it did not catch fire. The back of the unit has a bubbled up piece of plastic and it left an imprint on my nightstand. Palm, wants a picture of the mark as well. I plan to get it in the mail today. But until then, I do not have my calendar. I have been so busy, I put every little thing in my Palm. And recently I have not synced it to my compouter, so the info is not in my computer. I feel really lost without my Palm. So much for getting organized.

Well, I need to get going for now. I will try to write more later. Just know that I am still plugging away at everything.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Memories we share

Ok a couple of friends of mine are doing this. I have made comments on their blogs, so I am going to do this on my blog. It should be fun. (But then again a little scary to see what type of memories people have about me.) :)

1. As a comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, just anything you remember!

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. If you leave a memory about me, I'll assume you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you.

Thank you.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

I get what I want, not what I need

I have been really busy this summer. As a family we have experienced a little bit of stress, but hey that is life. In my pursuit of a healthier life, I have discovered how important it is to persevere. I have found that when my day is stressful, that I can handle it better if I eat more healthy and exercise. If I give in to cravings for sugar or fatty foods, I not only pay for it on my hips but I do not really feel any better.

Why do I crave things that are not good for me? I do not know. Maybe it is just habit, maybe it is because I have always used food as a comfort. I have always eaten when I am happy, sad, lonely, bored, or to celebrate. Just about every big milestone in my life has included a special food. At holidays we eat certain foods. It just would not be Christmas without cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning, chocolate covered cherries, candy canes or cookies. Thanksgiving has to include lots of different foods and eating until you cannot move! Valentines is for candy, St. Patrick's day is corned beef, 4th of July is ice cream and fried chicken. Family gatherings include special dishes that you only get at that time. I have a sister-in-law that makes the best sugar cookies, another who makes delicious rolls, my father-in-law makes a fabulous brisket, a niece who makes the greatest fluff, sister-in-laws that make mints that melt in your mouth (only for special occasions) and yet another sister-in-law who makes yummy cinnamon rolls (she even leaves out the nuts, because of our allergies. I always think that is so thoughtful that she remembers and makes that effort to make sure we can eat them). My husband loves to cook for me when I am feeling down and he is a great cook. I really could go on and on. But it is not just the food. I look at many of these times in my life with a great deal of fondness, and certain foods bring a memory with those feelings. How do you compete with that? How do I find a way to feel those feelings without the food to bring on the memory or the comfort?

You know the song "You can't always get what you want." On many occasions I have told this to my children as well as "it doesn't hurt to want." But you know what? It does hurt sometimes to want something you don't have. It is not a bad thing to hurt. It just depends on how you deal with the hurt. Pain and desire are really good motivators. I have decided to embrace the pain and the desire for something. To use it to change, not drown my sorrows. I am not settling for the next line in that song, which says--"But if you try sometimes, you might find, You get what you need."

I used to say I need to change. I thought that would be enough, but it is not enough. I had to want to change. I have realized that I am not going to get healthy just because I need to get healthy. I want to get healthy! I want to relieve stress in more healthy ways. I want to feel happiness and love beyond chocolate ice cream or a soda pop. I want to look forward to family gatherings without thinking about all the food. I want to feel the satisfaction of reaching my goals. I want to feel the pain of muscles getting fit. I love it when I feel like I have pushed myself when working out. I know that I am changing my body for the better. You know the saying "no pain, no gain". I have come to realize that no pain, no loss.

I have to be willing to make sacrifices for what I want. But sacrifice is not a bad thing. My father used to say "anything worth having is worth working for." He would have loved to hear me say this, he was right. You have to work for anything worthwhile. A person who wants a degree, has to make sacrifices. Maybe they sacrifice getting a better job because a lesser job will work with their school schedule. Or maybe they drive a clunker and live in a one room apartment so they can afford school. Parents make sacrifices in order to have and raise children. It is not an easy job, but it is so worth it. My husband and I have made sacrifices in order for me to stay home with our children. Even though it is the right choice for our family, it has not always been the easiest. So why should I expect or even want the road to a more healthy life to be easy?

Maybe I think that getting fat was easy for me. Well not thinking about what you put into your body and not exercising is easy. But why was I not thinking about those things? It certainly wasn't because I did not know what was good for me. I think I know better than just about anyone, what I should do to be healthy. But changing is not easy. Something Dr. Phil said has made me think. I do not remember exactly what he said, but the gist of it was that you do what you have to do to survive, to get through the crisis you are experiencing. Then you have to face the after effects of the choices you made during stress. Like a bad habit or health changes. In my case both. I developed a really bad habit of turning to food to deal with depression and stress. This resulted in a weight gain and an unhealthy body. It became a cycle. Because gaining weight and being unhealthy lead to depression and the depression led to being fat. So now I am learning new ways of handling depression and stress.

YES the doctors knew what they were talking about when they said eating right and exercising will help your depression and relieve stress. NO WAY! Get out of here! They cannot be right. I have spent a lot of time and energy being angry at those doctors for telling me to watch what I eat and exercise more. For just not understanding. For blaming everything on my weight. I guess I wanted them to do it for me.

I do not know what made the change in my mind. I do not know how or why it clicked for me.I am glad it happened. I know when it happened and I know that I am on the right path. I have decided enough is enough. I am doing it now. I have had my set-backs, but I have not quit. I will not quit. This is not a diet. This is a fight, a fight for my life. This is my life. It is what I do now. I make better more conscious choices about my food intake. I am not perfect, I am human. But I record what I eat, no matter how bad or good it may be for me. I weigh myself. I know how much I weigh. I do not avoid the scale. I weigh and measure my food. I know what I am eating and the calorie count. I actually think about how much food I eat and how much exercise I have done. I think about whether I have eaten too much for the amount of calories I have expended during that day. I enj0y working out. This is way weird.

Why didn't I make these connections earlier in life? How do I keep my children from making the same mistakes I have made? How do I make up for the years of setting a bad example? I do not know. I am working on that. If I show them what I can do by making healthy choices, maybe they will want to make them too. I want them to see me enjoying my new choices. This is not a bad life. Working out is not a chore that I have to do. It is something I do to keep from going insane. LOL It is something I want to do. I am a better mother when I have been able to do something for myself. These days that something is not going out for cheesecake, but going for a walk or to the gym.

I like the new me. I like feeling like I have some control over me. I like how I am handling stress in my life now. I like that I am making things happen, that things are not happening to me. My life is not necessarily any easier or harder than it has been in the past. I still have my weaknesses and my struggles. But it is how I am choosing to deal with them that has changed. I am not the sum total of what has happened to me. I am the person I am because of how I handle what happens in my life. And these days I am handling things with a little more wisdom and determination. I will succeed, because I usually get what I want.

Monday, July 7, 2008

I feel happy

On Saturday I went the NWWR and walked a little over 3 miles. I walked with my EQ buddy Johnna. Walking with her was so fun that I did not even realize how long we had been walking. We probably could have walked more, but I am still recovering from bronchitis and breathing is important. The air quality that morning was not very good. I blame pollen and fourth of July fireworks. Anyway, walking with Johnna was a joy. She notices flowers, wildlife, even a worm that was crawling on the sidewalk. She pointed out things that I did not notice. It made the walk a great way to start the day. Walking with together gave us a good opportunity to talk. We do not talk as much during EQ. It was really nice getting to know her better. I look forward to more walks with her. Saturday morning when the alarm went off only a couple of hours after I went to bed, I really debated rolling back over to go to sleep. But knowing that Johnna was going to be there expecting me really motivated me to get up and moving. Just one more level of accountability that makes this journey easier. I am so grateful for the new friends that I am meeting. That is definitely an unexpected blessing of this work I am doing. I feel so good today. I went to EQ this am. I worked hard. I laughed and choked because of the bronchitis. Laughing right now makes me cough. I kept saying don't make me laugh. But no success there. That is what makes working out with those ladies so fun: our ability to laugh and have fun while working hard and sweating all over the place. :) I feel really happy today, and that is a good thing. :)

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

A timely reminder

I do not know if this is true, don't even really care. Because it is so moving and symbolic of the love we should have for each other. The love that our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have for us. This video really touched me. And it came at a good time. I was just talking to someone this morning about remembering to ask for help from the one who is always with us and willing to help us. Sometimes, it is a good reminder to pray for all things. I tend to think that I have to do it all myself. That it is what Heavenly Father wants me to do. To be independent. I made out the plan to accomplish my goals and I am working towards them, he gave me my abilities. But somewhere along the way, I forget to be grateful and to ask for help. He is willing to help me and yes all things are made possible through him. I am so blessed. I have been humbled and reminded to be grateful.

A son asked his father, 'Dad, will you take part in a marathon with
me?'. The father who, despite having a heart condition, says 'Yes'.
They went on to complete the marathon together. Father and son went on
to join other marathons, the father always saying 'Yes' to his son's
request of going through the race together. One day, the son asked his
father, 'Dad, let's join the Ironman together.' To which, his father
said 'Yes' too.

For those who don't know, Ironman is the toughest triathlon ever.
The race encompasses three endurance events of a 2.4 mile (3.86
kilometer) ocean swim, followed by a 112 mile (180.2 kilometer) bike
ride, and ending with a 26.2 mile (42.195 kilometer) marathon along the
coast of the Big Island . Father and son went on to complete the race
together. View this race at.....


When I am thin, I will be .........

It has been too long since my last entry. Not because I have given up on losing weight. I have just had way too many things going on. I need to find a way to balance it all. I have had a myriad of mini challenges in the last month. Nothing that is serious and nothing that has made me quit, just life. My life has always had challenges and the way I deal with them is what has made up who I am. I am a fighter a survivor. I have fought my way out of many things and plan to survive this new healthy lifestyle. I have not lost any weight recently, but I have not gained any back either. I really just want to make this work. I have done a lot of thinking in the last month about my life. I have met a lot of people along my path and have built up a pretty good support system for myself. These people have been diligent about checking up on me. So just for them, I want them to know I am doing alright. I am still on the path to a healthier life. I still want to rid myself of the extra person I am hauling around. But just because I am trying doesn't mean that I do not have to face the consequences of my bad choices. I am still fighting for my life here. I am still not the healthy person I want to be. And you know what losing weight may not change that about me. I may still have to struggle with my health. I may still have to treat my asthma and other things that I have blamed on being fat. These things may just be what I will have to deal with even when I am thin. So I need to find a way to deal with them in the here and now. And still be able to fit an active life with healthy food choices during all the struggles. I need to not turn to Mt. Dew or chocolate to feed my woes. There are other avenues that actually make me feel better than they do.

I have met a lady who has lost a lot of weight. She has made me think about what it will be like for me when I lose weight. I know that I have said that I am changing what I have put off because of my weight. But I realize that I still play the games in my head. I still make excuses for myself. Like blaming being fat for everything. It has been an excuse to not participate, to not be liked, to not being included, accepted or desired. It has become a shelter for all that is bad in my life. My shield to protect me from the harsh realities of life. Of things that may have nothing to do with my weight and everything to do with me. It has kept me from changing things that I could change even without losing the weight. It has become a way for me to put off living by basically saying to myself "I will be happier when I lose weight." Losing weight is not the fix all. It is not going to make me someone that I am not. I think I will still have the same personality, the same problems. Maybe even some new ones. This is life, it is time to live now and not wait until I lose my weight.

I have such an all or nothing personality. I throw myself into something totally or not at all. I need to find a happy medium. I need to be able to do all that I want to do, and not be so overwhelmed by it all that I give it all up. I am working on this. I believe this will be the hardest part of my journey, balancing it all. Doing it the way I want to, not trying to be perfect. Accepting that I am human and not a super human with super abilities to do it all and do it all now.

I grew up hearing "If you are going to do it, do it right, or don't do it all." and unfortunately I have lived my life that way a lot. I am not saying that trying to do your best is a bad thing. But my best may not be perfect, and it must fit into my whole life. My life as a wife, mother, sister, volunteer, friend, and as a happy person.

So this is where I am today, trying to find a balance. Trying to find out what I really want in my life. What will continue to make me happy. But then again aren't we all trying to do this?

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Stand Firm

A few church friends shared something with me that they heard at their Stake Conference. I hope I can do it justice. I found it an inspiring comment and it really hit home for me. It was something about how all of us are going to have Liberty Jail struggles in our lives. But if we will remember that sometimes all we can do is plant our feet firmly and stay strong, not wavering. Do not worry about going forward, just stay firm and we will get through it. We discussed this and we were all saying how we had always thought if we were not moving forward then we must be going backwards. I have always believed that I had to keep moving forward making strides to the ultimate goal. But sometimes life is overwhelming and it takes all I have to just stand firm. I like that, I can actually think of times when I have stayed the course not going back or forward. But I always thought that I had not done as well as I should have if I had just kept moving forward. But now I can see that sometimes planting your feet and standing firm is an important part of our progression. I can even use this in my weight loss journey. I have not failed if I have not lost weight in the last few weeks. As long as I have stayed firm in my resolve to keep treading along and have not gained back my weight. I feel that is successful. I am going to have trials and temptations, but I need to sometimes just stand firm. Yeah for planting my feet and standing firm to my convictions! I really like this idea. No more beating myself up, or feeling like I am not good enough.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

In the middle..........

Wow, it has been way too long since I have blogged. I did not realize it was so long. I have been so busy. I moved my family into a new home. Which we absolutely love!

I have been trying to keep up on my walking and I have been using Calorie Counter to watch my food intake. I have had so many things go on in the last few weeks. My children got out of school which totally threw my schedule out the window. With the move and no school, I was having a hard time getting to EQ. When EQ ended for that session I decided I needed to change it up and attend some night classes. Whew, I really dislike working out at night. I am so tired by then I have no energy. I do not know if I will adjust to this type of schedule. But it is what will work so I can be home with the kids when they are home. That is why I am a stay at home mom. But let me say that if I could get it together enough to find care for my youngest so I could work out during the day, that would definitely be my preference.

So I joined a night class that Mandy is teaching. It is pretty good and it is a different bunch of ladies. I will definitely get a good workout, but I miss my former EQ buddies. I am going to try and attend EQ classes now and then and pay as I go to them.

I went to a friends party the other evening. It was great to see people I haven't seen in awhile. I had a really good time. It was really nice to hear the compliments on how I look. I know I am skinnier, my clothes, weight and measurements are proof. But you know when you look in the mirror and still see the old fat lady that has always looked back at you, it is hard to remember how good you are doing. It has been tough. I am a person who does really well with a routine and I had gotten into a routine of EQ and working out all the time. But then with the move and the kids home, it wasn't working for me. I felt like a failure. I decided I needed to reevaluate ways to get what I want. You know, when you are used to doing for everybody else it is easy to just do for them and forget about you. That is the old me. This is where I usually give up, feeling like a failure and quit. Then I gain all the weight plus some back. Not this time. I decided I needed to find a way to make it work and get what I need/want and still fulfill my family's needs/wants. Mandy even talked to me about alternatives and thus the new schedule was born.

Right now, I feel much better about it. I can do this, even if I do not do it the same way I thought it had to be done in the beginning. I am in this for the long haul and there are always going to be complications and things to work out. I just need to remember that this is a life long change and I need to make it work forever, so here we go. On to the middle part of my journey, I think it just might be the most difficult yet. The part where the new has worn off, the weight is not dropping off as fast, I have to work harder for what I want and life gets in the way.

A Friend sent me an edirections that summed this up, and really hit home for me. I got this after I had made my own discovery. But it just reaffirmed for me that I was on the right path.

No, this doesn't mean give up. Quite the contrary, if what you're doing today to reach a wellness goal doesn't seem to be working for you, look at different ways to get where you want to go.

Sometimes you may feel stuck doing things the way you've always done them. By taking a few simple steps, you can make changes in your wellness improvement process.

1. Get more information. What's being said today about good nutrition? Do you need to exercise more than half an hour three days a week to see results? What does the research say about getting a good night's sleep?

2. Change your thinking. Stephen Covey (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People) said, "The way we see the problem is the problem." If you can't seem to change your thinking on your own, find someone who can help you see your situation with fresh eyes.

3. Take a break. Sometimes a short holiday away from your improvement journey will give you new perspective.

Challenge yourself this week. Look for one new piece of information about the "wellness lifestyle" every day.

Saturday, May 17, 2008


You know the saying

"That which does not kill you, makes you stronger..."
Well I am still alive after the Hillcrest Walk/Run. It was 3 miles of hills and torture. I thought those hills were going to kill me. But no I am just stronger for making it through. I did pretty good as I did the walk in about an hour. Which for me was good with those hills, and I even stopped to talk to a friend after a really bad hill. She was having a garage sale. I did not shop, but I did talk. Just long enough to get a second wind and continue on. It feels good to have done it. I am proud of myself. Last night was Worlds of Fun Night for my DH's company. It is when his company gets the park for the night, they feed us and let us go on most rides for free. It is usually something I beg off from doing. It is something that I have not been able to do in the past. I used to get tired from walking from the parking lot, I would hold everyone up from having fun. I always had to get into the park through the handicap entrance because I was too wide for the turnstiles. Well last night I walked through the turnstiles. Mind you I had to turn sideways, but I did it! I even rode on 3 rides. The fury of the Nile, the canoe ride and some other ride that spins around really fast while you stand there. I had a great time. We did walk and walk and walk, and lots of standing. That concrete is a killer on the feet and knees over a long period of time. We got in after midnight. So I was exhausted this morning. Someone in my house called me crazy for going to do the walk this am. I said no
crazy is when you do the same thing over and over and expect a different result.
I am doing something different, expecting different results.
I am so proud of me for doing it. For doing it all, for keeping my commitments and following through. It is a really great feeling. And I met a lot of nice people. This all makes me so happy. YEAH!

Thursday, May 15, 2008

I feel skinny today........

What a glorious day! I feel skinny today. What is that all about, you may be asking. Well usually I feel fat. But not today. This morning I was playing some music and my youngest son and I started dancing. It was so fun. I went to work out today. I wore my new shorts that I purchased at Target! A FIRST FOR ME! Not only have I not worn shorts in years, but I bought them at Target in the Athletic department. Mind you the only piece of clothing I have bought from Target for myself is socks. They just do not carry fat lady clothes. These shorts are the largest size for women they carry XXL but they fit. They are also that fabric that wicks away moisture, very cool. They are very comfortable. WAY EXCITING! I also bought a pair of capris from another store in a size 22/24. Two months ago I bought capris in 30/32. I am so excited. I can hardly stand it! When I look in the mirror I look top heavy now. I used to look way round, but now I think I look top heavy. But I am losing weight and inches. I cannot wait until the end of May to see if I make my 10% goal and see how things fit. Mandy thinks that by the end of the summer I could have lost 50 pounds total. Wouldn't that be great? I do not want to put too much emphasis on the goal weight because it is really about the everyday goals of working out, eating right and drinking my water. It is about the journey of making my life better, and more fun! I really feel motivated today. I have so much to do, so right now I have to go, but I just had to blog. Later.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Not a Diet!

Today has been an eventful day. My car would not start. Actually last night it would not start. Not so fun, considering we just had it in the shop last week and spent quite a lot of money on it. Thank goodness for the rebate check, most of it spent on the car. :) Anyway, I digress. But since no car, I had to walk the kid to the bus stop and it was so beautiful this am that I took a short walk after. I had lots of things to do at home, but the call of the road was strong. It was nice. This whole day I have felt the effects of Mandy's new workouts. LOL :) I have new pains in my thighs. Quite nice. Usually I feel my walks in my shins. Not today. :) Then in the mail I received a post card from my WW leader. I was not at my usual meeting this last week and I am sure she wanted to encourage me. She said "Kathy, Never ever give up!" I had to email her and let her know that I had not given up. I have her email address because I gave her my blog and she emailed me back in regards to it. But I wanted her to know that I am not giving up. I am in this for the long haul, the rest of my life. This is not a diet it is a new way of life for me. I am making changes that I will do for the rest of my life. NO giving up! I have come to far and have so much more life to live. Yeah!

Monday, May 12, 2008

New tortures via Mandy

Mandy went to conference this weekend and came back with new forms of torture. Actually, it was fun learning new exercises. She brought back some gliders that we used on our feet and bicycled while doing crunches. Anything to do with my abs is torture to me. I feel it the worse. But I see people who are in really good shape that do crunches and make faces the whole time. So I think it is never going to be a breeze. :) But as they say no pain no gain. lol :) We also did some leg lifts and those were awesome. The music started to play Billy Jean by Michael Jackson. And it made me feel peppy and make the workout easier to do. :) I love listening to tunes while working out. Actually I love listening to music all the time. I got to thinking this weekend that last week I did not take much time to listen to music. That may have affected my mood. I am going to make an effort to listen to music everyday, because it really does lift my mood. My mother used to listen to music all the time. In fact you could always tell what kind of mood she was in by her choice of music. If it was hard rock, watch out....she was usually in a bad mood. Country was always her more mellow choice. I like country because that is what I grew up with, but I also love other types of music. I like up beat fast music for working out and for cleaning house. You may have noticed a new addition to my blog page. One of my sister-in-laws mentioned I needed a countdown to my weight loss. I looked up tickers and put one on the side. It tells what my goal is and my current weight loss amount. I am excited, a great idea, and it wasn't even mine. But I may also put a ticker up for exercise, first I need to set a goal for how many miles I want to accomplish. I was thinking a total from now until my 1/2 marathon, then I could just mark off each mile towards the goal of x amount of miles. Watch for further ticker information. Well I need to get going to serve the family some dinner.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

feeling better

I am feeling less depressed. The family and I have had the stomach flu and physically I am still not feeling 100%. I am hoping to rest this weekend so that I can be up to par next week and work out.

Yesterday I went to WW in Gladstone. I wanted to go. I needed the push and I wanted to weigh in. I do not like missing my meetings. So in I went. I am so glad I did. They were talking about the expenses of being overweight compared to losing weight. One man had said that he used to pay $1500 a month on medicine between his wife and himself. Now he pays $150 a month just for himself. Can you imagine what a raise that is? How fabulous is that? Many medical conditions are brought on by weight gain. They also discussed the exhibit at the Science Center and how it has encouraged more than one of them to lose weight. They said that seeing diseased organs and reading all the stuff that obesity can do to your body, really motivated them. I do not know that would help me. It is not like I am oblivious to the hazards of obesity. and seeing it up close just may depress me more. But I know that I am doing something to change my life now. Is very encouraging to me. It was good to hear the other people talk about their efforts. The leader encouraged us to remember the little things and to remember to be grateful for them. That the little improvements will help us to achieve the big goals.

I want to take some time to express some gratitude. I need to remember the things that I am doing right and be grateful for the strides I am making. First off, I weighed in yesterday and I have lost 27 pounds! It is fabulous. In less than 2 months I have lost 27 pounds! It is so weird. A lady at WW said that even after 50 pounds of weight loss she did not feel any different. I cannot believe that. She just doesn't remember what it was like to have those 50 pounds. I know that I feel so much better than I did 2 months ago. 27 pounds may only be a portion of what I need to lose, but it has made a big difference. A difference in the way I feel, the way my clothes fit, the way I look, how energized or tired I feel, the way I can do so much more than I ever could before. I was noticing that working out with the girls isn't as hard as it used to be. Of course that means I need to step it up. But Mandy is good to say, is that too easy? Maybe you need a heavier weight. :) I also notice that I can walk at faster speeds than I used to with out it totally killing me. These are good things. I can walk stairs and I do not feel like dying. These are all things to be grateful for. I have met and made some fabulous Friends. People who are there for me, people who encourage me and support me. I love the new life I am carving out for myself. I love being more active in my community and making new friends. It is a fabulous side effect of my new life. I plan to keep plugging away at this. I want to lose 3 more pounds by the end of May. That will be my 10% goal. Now it won't be my 10% goal for WW, because I started WW after I had already lost some weight. But who knows maybe by my wedding anniversary in June I will have the 10% goal for WW. I am feeling good. Woo Hoo!

Wednesday, May 7, 2008


It has been too long since my last post. I have been in a slump. I have felt so depressed. It is just annoying. When I feel like this it is a struggle to do anything, even the things I love to do. I have suffered from depression since I was a teenager. Did not get diagnosed until my thirties. But it has been my biggest struggle in my life. It affects every aspect of my life. I know that it contributed to my weight problem. And my weight problem contributes to my depression. So it is a vicious circle. :) I am really struggling. Day to day my feelings change. I feel depressed one day and then the next I feel better and try to catch up on what I did not get done the day I was depressed. Then if I cannot get caught up, I feel depressed. I have to give myself a break. I am so hard on myself. I have to remember that I am doing so much better than I have done in the past. I have to remember the good things I have accomplished and how it makes me feel. I have set up a great support system. It is just hard to reach out when you feel depressed. It is so much easier to just shut down instead of reaching out. I have to remember that it is better for me to reach out. To do my best to take care of me. To exercise and eat right. These things make me feel good. Why oh why is is so hard to do what makes me feel good? I sometimes think that I must not think I deserve to feel good. Wait, maybe I am on to something there. I am going to have to consider this thought more. My self talk it hideous. I put myself down so much. I am so hard on me. I never would expect anyone else to live up to the expectations I have for myself. And when I fail to meet my expectations, I beat myself up for it. Then I quit. Today, I have set the goal of taking a walk and drinking my 6 glasses of water. I will do it. I know it will make me feel better. I will write more later.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Oh What a beautiful morning.......

I am so blessed to live in Liberty. What a wonderful little town. The city has many parks and trails. There is one trail only about 1/2 mile from my house. I took the dog for a walk this morning. We walked to the trail and then down the trail for about 1/2 an hour. Then we came home. So we walked for about an hour. It was so beautiful. The trail is wooded on both sides with a nice path. There is running water throughout the trail. The sound of running water is very soothing. I took my Ipod for tunes, but decided against listening to them. I just enjoyed the sounds of nature this am. Mitzy was very excited to get to go for a walk again. I thought she would run and hide, but she was falling all over herself trying to get out the door. She is doing really good on the walks too. She isn't barking like she used to at everyone including pets. It is fun to go for walks with her. Although squirrels still get to her. She wants to chase them down. I saw so many beautiful birds today. It was a very enjoyable walk. The only problem, I had no idea how far I had walked. I looked online at the city's website for trail info, no luck. So I called and they have a map with mileage. I went and got a couple. One for me and one for the family, they like to bike ride the trails. I think I put in about 3 miles of walking according to the trail I was on and the mileage from my house. Not a bad little jaunt. Will have to do it again soon. :)

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Family Fitness Fun

What a beautiful day this has been. I started my day with my first ever 3 mile walk. I went to the Walk for Life at the Pleasant Valley Baptist Church. My husband and children went as well. I set a goal to accomplish all 3 miles in an hour. That would be three 20 minute miles. I thought that is a good pace for me at this time. So out I went. The kids were going to try and do a 20 minute mile as well, but only 1. My daughter finished her mile in about 15 minutes, she has long legs. My 7 yr old son did his mile in 23 minutes. He has just been diagnosed with asthma and he gets worried about running now. I want to get him out more so he can see he can still do things and breath. I have noticed an improvement in my asthma now that I am working out. I just use my inhaler before I get started and usually do just fine. Today was a little cold in the morning while we were walking. But I warmed right up. The last mile I picked up my pace because I was afraid I was not going to make my goal. I came in at 55 minutes for the 3 miles. I am so proud of myself. It was great fun and I was so pumped after that I just did not know what to do with myself. I am going to participate in the Walk for the Homeless in Liberty on May 17. I am not sure how long it is, but I am going to do it. Look for more updates as the time gets closer. I am out of here, have to take my daughter for a haircut.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Retraining needed......

Today I sent my daughter and her friend into Quik Trip with my credit card. OK I know a big mistake, but in more ways than one. It was cold and rainy, and I wanted a Diet Coke. I told them they could get a snack for themselves and my younger son. Anyway, they came out with snacks and my diet coke. But their snack was Ben and Jerry's pints of ice cream. First off, I was upset about the amount of money they spent. So I told them they would pay for the Ice Cream.

Then I said, "how many calories are in those pints?"
They said. "260."
I said "let me see them." I began to read it to them: "There are 4 servings of ice cream in these containers and each serving is 260 calories a piece. That equals 1040 calories in one container. " (FYI, one pint of Ben and Jerry's is 25 points on Weight Watchers. That is almost an entire day of points.) They were planning on eating it in one sitting.
They said , "it is only part of our daily calories."
I said , "how many calories do you think you can have in one day?"
They said "20,000."
I said, "try 2000"
They said, "So one zero off big deal."
I said, "add that zero to your weight and it is a big deal!"

I so have to retrain my children. I have been a bad influence on them. I hope it is not too late.

PS. My daughter caught me writing this blog. She got upset that I am including this story. She said, " Thanks to me one of my teachers reads your blog. Don't write that." So if you know my daughter try not to hold this against her. She was with her good friend and they were being goofy. You know that preteen age is fun, fun, fun. And besides, I have taught her everything. Bad I know. But I am working on fixing that. :)

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Don't it feel good!

I just got back from Weight Watchers. I have that song in my head, "I'm walking on sunshine." The chorus, goes like this:

I'm walking on sunshine, wooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
and don't it feel good!!

Hey, alright now
and don't it feel good!!
hey yeh ,oh yeh
and don't it feel good!!

walking on sunshine
walking on sunshine

The reason I feel so good today is I lost 5.4 pounds this week! This means since I started trying to lose weight I have lost 20.6 pounds.(since I started with Mandy,but if i count since I Thanksgiving time, it is 22.6 pounds. ) WOW 20 pounds. I can hardly believe it. I feel so good right now. I feel like I can do anything. I cannot even begin to explain it. I called Mandy right from the meeting. Several ladies from Church are doing WW too. They were at the meeting today. The meeting was so good. I just love my WW leader! She is so upbeat and I love the stuff she tells us. Today she talked about going for a run on Sunday. She was talking about how she started out a walker and then progressed to running. She also said she goes running no matter what the weather is too. It was really good. She mentioned that if she doesn't run she gets to feeling anxious and depressed. I know how she feels. I love the way exercise makes me feel. I almost wish I could do more exercise. It is funny because my mind is willing, but my body has to play catch up. It is great! and Don't it feel good! YEAH!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Steps toward my dreams....

Tonight I attended the Liberty PTA Council Banquet. I sat in a room of volunteers who work with the local schools to help the students. It made me feel really good. One of the teachers who know me but has not seen me in a while, said I did not recognize you. I cannot figure it out but you look different, did you change your hair or something? I know it was because I am losing weight and I am happier. I looked pretty good tonight. I felt good and was in control. We had a dinner. It was baked chicken with breading, veggies, bread and potatoes. I took a larger portion of the veggies, no bread or potatoes (they were all cheesy), and I took some chicken. I scraped off the breading and ate the chicken breast. It was good. I drank water. In the middle of that table sat a large plate of dessert goodies. Chocolate covered strawberries and pretzels, as well as cookies. They came from the candy store here in town. I ate a chocolate covered strawberry. It was delicious. So sweet and tangy. I only ate one, I did not obsess about it and I wasn't tempted to eat more. In the past I would have tried the pretzels and the cookies too. I chose the strawberry because I have never had a chocolate covered strawberry and it was fruit with the chocolate. But I did not eat seconds or even thirds and there was so much left over. Such a nice feeling to leave a dinner out not over stuffed. I felt in control.

This week I bought a Nano Ipod. I absolutely love it. I needed something to listen to while working out. My old mp3 player is not user friendly. I could not even access the music I had on it. I got frustrated with it every time I used it. So I went and bought the newest color of Nano in hot pink. I also bought an arm band. I was thinking about getting the Nike sport add on , but the reviews are not very good. If anyone has this product, let me know how you like it. For now I am so happy with the Nano. It was a nice little reward for me and it will help me to keep moving. :)

Well it is that time of the night and I need to get the kids to bed. BTW, I actually have a clean house. I have so much more energy now that I am able to get more done in my day. It is so fab! I can hardly wait to put in that garden. :)

Biggest Loser....

I, like many others watched last nite as the first woman won the Biggest Loser. The show was so great. I cried as contestant after contestant told their story and got on the scale. I was so happy for them all. So inspirationaI. I know they had real big losses because they devoted so much time and help from the Biggest Loser. I know that losing that much weight in that amount of time is not realistic for me. But the way they pushed and the way they felt about being overweight really inspires me to push on. I was so excited when Ali won. She was voted off early and then brought back. She continued her weight loss when she went home. She really knows how to dream and accomplish her goals.

I bought a little magazine from the Biggest Loser. It is full of weight loss tips, exercise routines and logs to help you while on your journey to lose weight. It is really a packed little magazine. I have found it very helpful. One article has 8 steps to making the big commitment of losing weight.

1. Be Honest about your weight problem.
2. Don't make excuses.
3. Learn from your past.
4. Do a clean sweep of all junk food.
5. Build your support system.
6. Set realistic goals.
7. Make daily resolutions.
8. Expect to face obstacles.

When I read this, I evaluated how I have done on these steps.
1. I have embraced blatant honesty.
2. I have stopped making excuses about not losing weight.
3. I am working on evaluating my past weight loss efforts, so that I can benefit from those experiences.
4. Junk food. Working on that step. I cleaned out the house but some people bring it back in. So I am working on converting the family over to no junk food. :)
5. I have successfully built a strong and fabulous support system.
6. Mandy has helped me to set realistic goals.
7. I love the daily resolution idea. I have been working on weekly, so now I will try to be more daily in my goals.
8. I have faced obstacles and so far so good. Overcoming them and keep on going.

It is a good feeling to know that I have made some big changes and that they are in line with weight loss experts advice. I am well on to a new life with big dreams.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Losing it all over.......

Saturday I put on my skinny jeans. I had ordered them off the Internet and they never did fit right. Always way too tight and too hard to zip. On the off chance I did get them zipped, then I could not breathe and would have dunlap over the belt. But Saturday they zipped without any effort. How great. I was excited, they even felt a little baggy in the hiney and legs. I was so surprised. I went to the store and tried on some new clothes at Macy's. I cannot usually buy clothes there because they only go to 24W and I wore a 30/32. I can get into a 24W! It was still a little tight, not quite loose enough for my taste. So I decided to not buy anything right now. I figure I will just wear my loose fitting stuff for now. I am on a downward slide, might as well save my $. :) Anyway, Monday I went to buy new pair of walking shoes. I went to the Metro North Walk/Run shop. How great are they? They have you walk on treadmill and watch your gate and then measure you and make suggestions for your needs. I usually have to go in and buy a size that does not have a lot of options to choose from. I got to try on several pairs of shoes yesterday. Why? you ask. Because my feet are skinnier. Who would have guessed it. I did not know your feet could lose weight. :) I went from an EE, which is double wide, to a D. The lady said my left foot was a B but my right foot was a D. So we fitted for the D. Woo Hoo! I am seeing changes in me in more ways than the scale. It is a good feeling.

I just love the ladies I work out with at EQ. They are the best. So supportive and caring. Mandy is the greatest. I am so grateful to have these people in my life. It is such a blessing. I plan to go to a walk on Saturday for the Women's Clinic in Liberty. I will put a link to it later. It is 3 miles and it will be my first time doing something like that. So cool. :)

bump in the road

Last Friday I was walking on the treadmill, going at a pretty good pace and feeling really good. Then suddenly I got a bad headache. I started to feel dizzy and nauseous. I thought maybe I was dehydrated. So I drank some more water and kept walking, When my headache would not go away, I finally gave up and took break. I drank some more water and but still felt bad. I was so angry that I could not continue my workout. I was just beginning to feel like I was going to make my goal for the week of 7 miles. But my head hurt so bad, that I just decided to go home. First I checked my blood pressure. It was fine, so I went home. I ate something and voila, my headache went away. In fact, I felt much better. I had a pretty busy weekend with the family and did not get a real workout in all weekend. On Monday I went to EQ. I barely got started on my work out and boom, my headache returned. I felt sick again. I talked to Mandy and we came to the conclusion that it could be that I am not eating enough in the am. So I went home and ate. And yes, I felt better. Today, I ate a better breakfast with some protein and carbs, then I worked out. I felt so much better. I refuse to quit. This is just a bump, a learning experience. I just need to revamp my eating habits. I have never been a breakfast eater So eating before I work out is not something I was really doing. I would grab a glass of milk and a banana or just a banana. I have to rethink my habits. My body is changing, so I guess my metabolism is changing too. I need more calories in the am so I can workout. Goal for this week is to eat a good breakfast every morning.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Now I get it......

I want to write about what I have been doing. Yesterday, I took my 10 pound dog on a 2 mile jaunt. We walked at a pretty good pace. I wanted to take in the fresh air and get in a good workout. Poor little dog, she was panting and going as fast as her little legs would carry her. As soon as she saw the front door of our house she got real excited and darted into the house. Drank down some water, and plopped onto the couch. She looked up at me as if to say "are you crazy woman? I am going nowhere else today." It was hard to get her to move. She is so funny. But it was a great walk. I had some tunes in one ear and kept a watch on my heart rate, because I wanted it get it up in a good zone. And we just walked. It was nice. I was thinking about the movie "What Women Want". You know the movie where Mel Gibson can hear women's thoughts. I had just recently seen a part of the movie and was recalling the commercial they made for Nike. It was about a woman jogging on a road and the voice over was talking about how the road doesn't care what you are wearing or how you look, the road is just glad you came to visit again. It made me smile to myself. That commercial has a whole new meaning to me now. I love working out. It makes me feel so alive. I used to see people on the road jogging or walking in the rain or even really hot weather, and I would think "Are you guys crazy, are you in such a hurry to die? " I looked at it as foolishness to be out in all types of weather walking or running. Now I get it. Now I know the feeling they get from exercising. The weather is not always going to be perfect for a leisurely walk outside. But it is always good for workout for your health. You just have to dress appropriately. This is so weird, to think this way. I am addicted to working out. I love it.

Today is Thursday and I did go for my workout with Mandy. It was really good. I had a stressful morning with my son. My van needed some gas and I could have easily gone into Quik Trip and gotten a Mt. Dew and a cinnamon roll, my usual de-stress fare from QT. But I did not, instead I went to work out early and put in a 20 minute mile on the treadmill. I was nice and warm for our workout today. I was visiting with one of the my workout buddies. She has lost 110 pounds. We were talking about the Biggest Loser contestants having to put on fat suits and weights (in the amount of weight that they had lost) and then they ran on the beach. I asked her if she could still remember what it was like to be 110 pounds heavier. She started to cry, she said she remembers every day what it was like. She sees her wedding pictures and it makes her sad. She made me cry. I know the pain she is talking about. I was hoping it would go away when you have lost that much weight. But I guess it will be good to remember, so I don't get back to that weight again.

I went to Weight Watchers today. I took a friend from church who wants to lose weight too. She is having some back problems so she can not start working out yet, but as soon as her doctor releases her, she is hoping to join in with me and Mandy. It will be great. She is a really nice person. I have never had anyone I know to go to WW with or even work out with. I have gotten to know several ladies, but this is someone I already know. Kind of cool. Anyway, it will be nice. I lost 1 more pound this week. I know it was a tough week. I did count everything, and I did not have any Mt. Dew this week. But I know that I did not eat as many veggies as I have been eating. I need to eat a more balanced diet. I am working on it. I also know that I have been at this for a month now and my weight loss is bound to slow a bit. But I really want to lose at least 2 pounds a week. I will just be diligent every day and continue on my path. I know I feel so much better and can do so much more than I have in years. It really does feel good. It is funny, because I schedule just about everything around my workouts. I have to workout. If I do that 5 times a week, I know that I will continue to get healthier. I am tracking my food intake and sticking to the plan. So it is bound to come off sooner or later. :)

Back to the workout with Mandy. I have to say, she worked me hard today. I really can feel the pain. OOOOOHHHH, such sweet pain. It is not really bad, it really does make me feel alive. I love feeling like I pushed myself. I like feeling like I cannot do it and then doing it. Wow. So today, she had me do these push up things on the bench. Where you sit on the edge of the bench and slide forward in a sitting position with your hands on the bench. Then you drop your hiney down and lift with your arms and legs bent. She had me do 2 sets of 12. It was hard. I did not think I could do it. In fact, I kept telling myself I couldn't do it. So the first 6 were torture then I took a break and started again. I told myself, if Mandy thinks I can do this, I can do this. Then I was able to finish and it seemed to get easier, but still painful. Maybe I just had to work through the pain to get to the other side of success. It was great. I shared with Mandy an exercise I saw on Biggest Loser. She decided to have us try it out. You sit on the ball, slide forward in a sitting position and then instead of doing crunches, you lift your legs towards your opposite elbow. It was hard too. :)

I want to talk about someone else in my life that has been a great support. My son's teacher, she is a great lady. I just love her. I sent her my blog. She has been commenting to me about my journey every time I see her. The other day I saw her in her classroom before school started. She was unpacking her food for the day. She had all healthy fare, fruits and veggies. I said "look at you, eating all healthy." She said I had inspired her. That made me feel good. I complemented her on a nice cardigan she was wearing. We discussed where she had bought it and how she wasn't sure that she liked it for her. Then she said I could have it when I lose my weight. It was so cute, the way she said it. We kind of have this mutual admiration society. She is really a great teacher. I believe she is exactly what my son needed at this time in his life. I feel like we were led to move here for her. That is how strongly I feel about her influence in my son's life. So it makes me feel really good to have her say that I inspire her.

Recently, so many people have given me such great support. I want to be successful for myself and everyone who is cheering for me. I cannot express it enough how much I appreciate all the kind words and thoughts. I really needed this level of commitment to help me to keep going even when it is hard to do. Thank you so much to all of you. Now go do something good for yourself today.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Think First

This has been an interesting week. I went to WW yesterday and it is official, I have lost 14 pounds since I started this journey. I am in my fifth week of working out. I feel pretty good about my accomplishments so far. I know it is going to be a long road, so I am trying to focus on the here and now and just do it day by day. Friday I went to the doctor for some minor things. But at the check up I had lost 16 pounds since my last time at the doctor, which was 6 months ago. That is a good start. My blood pressure was real low. Not that it was high before, but it was on the high side of normal. Now it is on the low side of normal. Nice benefit. But my doctor was a little discouraging. Which I will just chalk up to being male, not thinking first and not understanding what it is like to be me. Anyway, he was saying that the best thing I could do for myself right now is stick with the weight watchers. He said, and I am quoting here "You could never exercise enough to lose the amount of weight you need to lose." This really bothered me. He sounded so condescending. I was hoping he would be glad of what I had done so far. I feel really good about working out. I know it is good for me and it is helping me to stick to the weight watchers plan better. I know that if I eat certain foods, it just defeats all the work in the gym. I believe the key to my losing weight is the exercise. I know it. I don't care what he says. I admire my doctor, we have seen him for well over 15 years. I do not think he meant to discourage my exercising. But he was not very encouraging. So I will just have to find my support somewhere else. So there. I love the way working out makes me feel. So I am going to continue on the path I have started. (btw I climbed the stairs to his office and back down again. That was the first time ever, I have always taken the elevator.)

So I went to the store to buy some cooler pants to work out in. I ended up buying a smaller size. It was great. In fact, the size I bought is a little baggy. So I probably could have gone down another size. But I did not think of it. I just put on the next size down and thought great they fit and bought them. I am going to wait a little longer before buying some more. :)

At WW I received a book about finding out what stresses cause me to eat. It was really enlightening. I know I am an emotional eater. I eat because I am happy, sad, lonely, depressed, bored what ever. I eat. So I took a quiz and then the quiz tells you what type of things trigger your eating habits. Then it tells you ways to handle that trigger. The biggest thing I learned from the quiz is that I need to learn from my past experiences. Losing weight is not a new thing to me. I have tried many times, had some success and then went right back to my old ways. So this learn from experience is something I can really use. I tend to think of my past attempts of losing weight as failures. So I never really looked at them as learning experiences to help me this time do better. So I am going to make an attempt to think about my past weight loss attempts and try to see what did and did not work for me.

I did do that in regards to the exercise thing. I know that I never have put it in my life, so that is why I went to a trainer. To get more knowledge about working out. By going to weight watchers, I can learn from the people there. What works for them may work for me.

I do know that if I have anything like ice cream or sweets in the house, I will eat it. So I just cannot go there. I need to keep healthy stuff like fruit and veggies in the house. I will eat them. It is helping not to have pop in the house. I do not drink it, if it is not easily accessible. It is time to admit I am addicted to sugar, in any form. Even the low cal treats. I just have to stay clear of sweets. Save them for special occasions, and plan for them in advance. I really do love eating vegetables. So I am going to try to find new recipes for using more veggies.

Another thing I have learned from doing Weight Watchers so many times in the past, is to read the literature. I have never read all the stuff that they hand out to you every week. I always thought "Oh I know about that......blah blah..." So I did not take the time to read the literature. But this time I am reading the stuff they give to me. I have actually found many things in there to be very helpful. I have marked pages and underlined things to remember. I am using them as tools to help me on this journey. I think it is helping me to be more focused and to think first.

While thinking over my past attempts at weight loss, I discovered a pattern. I realized that I would get so far in and maybe not lose as much weight as I wanted for a couple of weeks. Then I get discouraged , give in and eat too much (not writing any of it, or counting it), then I would quit feeling like a failure. Thinking aobut this pattern made me want to discover why I get so down on myself. I want to know what I can do now to keep myself motivated.

I like to learn new things. Once I feel like I have learned it all, I get bored. I need to mix it up and keep in interesting. I also get tired and bored with my food. I stop eating my comfort foods without finding other ways to comfort me. I need to learn new comfort techniques and new recipes. I need to learn to cook in a different way. That will be my next big challenge, to learn new healthy cooking habits. Maybe I will take a healthy cooking class. I am discovering new ways to relieve stress everyday. Exercise is really helping. I am proud of myself. I am on my way to a better life.

We went out to eat as a family a week ago on Friday. The kids really like the buffet at the Ponderosa and I love their salmon. I ordered a good side salad with fat free dressing (no buffet for me), and grilled salmon with a baked potato butter on the side, no sour cream. I ate the salad and the waiter brought out rolls. But they were really big and I decided not to eat one. I did however, plan on having a Mt. Dew. When I finished my Mt. Dew the waiter brought me another one.But by that time I had eaten half of my salmon and half of my potato and I felt full. I am really trying to pay attention to my body signals. You know when you eat all the time, you do not feel hungry or full, so these are new sensations. I asked the waiter for a doggy bag. I took half of my meal home for lunch the next day. So then I was sitting there, everyone is still eating and I am done. So I started to drink that Mt. Dew. Then I stopped, I was full and did not need the Dew. So I took a dirty spoon and threw it into the glass of pop. My dh said, well that's one way to stop drinking it. I said well it was just too tempting to keep sipping it while sitting here. I did not drink any more. Yeah! also, that was the last Dew I had. I have not had any Dew this week at all. That is a big improvement. Now I have given up pop before, but it never lasts very long. I have given it up cold turkey and then I crave it so bad that I give in. I am not saying I will never have another pop. But I will count it and write it down.

I heard something interesting on the radio the other day. Did you know that the pretty little country singer Carrie Underwood, writes down everything she eats? That must be how she stays so fit.

I learned today, that Mandy, my trainer is younger than my oldest son. Wow. she is so on top of things. She is so busy and seems to have it all together. I can learn so much from her. She finished both her college degrees in 4 years. She really knows how to set goals and accomplish them. I love that about her. She is really great. She pushes me past the place I think I can go. I would give up and I sometimes tucker out and try to give up but she is right there, saying you can do it. She makes me believe I can.

A good friend has been sending me these little eDirections for how to lose weight. Today I got one that was really good. Here it is:

Last week you began the process of making wellness your reality.

Stephen Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, says ".start inside - paradigms, character, motives."

What keeps you thinking about changing your diet? What keeps you from following through? Once you know both sides of your internal debate, your chances of making the change improve.

Reread the list you made last week. Ask if your reasons for wanting to change seem stronger than those for keeping the status quo. Want to reinforce your reasons for making a change? Look for other people who have lost weight, got fit, stopped smoking. Ask about their motivation. Talking with others can often teach you about yourself.

© 2001 - 2008 New Directions Behavioral Health, All Rights Reserved.

This is so cool. It really fits into everything I am learning about weight loss and working out from WW and from Mandy. This is life changing stuff. Mandy has encouraged me to make goals and every week she goes over them with me. To see what progress I am making. Doing this blog has helped me to talk out my feelings about this journey. It is helping me to have conversations with people that I might not have talked to before. It is helping me to learn about myself. One thing I am really learning is to Think First. Think First. before you eat, before you talk (maybe my doctor should have done that! LOL ), before you work out. Think about what you are doing, why you are doing it and how to best get what you want.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Missed Opportunites

I just got back from Church. Our meetings today were fabulous. I really came home edified. I am so grateful for the gospel in my life, I am truly blessed. A brother bore his testimony today and said some things that got me thinking. He spoke about missing out on blessings in our lives not because we are unfaithful, but because we might not have participated. Anyway, this got me to thinking. A few weeks ago I went to the Women's Conference that influenced me to change my life. But I came very close to not going to the conference at all. In fact the night before when I went to bed I had decided that even though it was a good place for me to be, it probably wasn't the best choice for me that day. I was feeling really tired and knew I had other things that I had committed to do. I was feeling like I just couldn't do it all. So I told my husband I wasn't going to attend. But all night I dreamt about trying to get to that conference. In my dreams I never quite made it to the meeting, and I was very disappointed. I woke up feeling like I really needed to go to that meeting. Wow! What if I hadn't gone? What a missed opportunity that would have been. However, I would not have known just how much that meeting would influence me for the good. I would not have known the changes I am capable of making. I would not have met the wonderful people that I have met since that day. I am truly amazed at the way the Lord works in our lives. He knew I was unhappy with myself and that I needed to make a change, and he knew how to get me to do it. I am so blessed to have gone and obeyed the promptings of the Spirit to make the changes I have made. I really feel I am on the right path, the path of least resistance. The path to true happiness for me. I feel closer to my Heavenly Father and my family. My spirit and mind feel clearer. I just cannot explain it. There are no words that express how I feel. I just know it is because I have made these changes. I feel good. I am capable and able to do the things that have been asked of me. My spirit has always been willing, but now I my body is catching up. It is a great feeling. Never would have believed it, if I had not experienced this for myself.

Yesterday, I was feeling stressed. In the past it would have been a perfect day to gorge on some ice cream to drown my sorrows. :) But instead I went to the gym and walked 2 miles at 3 miles an hour for most of the time. When I got done, it was such a great feeling. I accomplished 2 miles and I kept up a pretty good pace. I was on top of the world. I am loving this.

So I guess what I want the most is to not miss out on opportunities any more. I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to be all I can be. All that the Lord wants me to be.

This week I am going to take a chance and do something I want to do just because.
I am just going to DO IT!