Friday, March 28, 2008

Lying to myself---NO MORE

My dad used to always say, "There is nothing I hate more than a liar and a thief." I grew up hearing that, and have tried to live my life not lying or stealing. Yesterday I was reading a book I got at Weight Watchers called "Shot in the Arm" by Sharon Lee Riguzzi. This book is filled with inspirational stories for people on a weight-loss journey. I turned to an essay titled "Little White Lies". I wish everyone could read that essay. She talks about the lies we tell ourselves. Wow, it really hit me, I have perfected lying to myself.

OK, if you think you have never lied to yourself, great. But just for clarification, here are a few of the lies I have told myself for years, see if any look familiar.
I am not fat.
I like myself this way.
I am big and beautiful.
I have pretty eyes.
I have a nice smile. (I would say those things but then I would think, but you have a double chin, or some other critical thing about my appearance)
I don't care what others think of me.
I can do what ever I want to do, I just choose not to do that.......
I really didn't want to go _________ anyway.
I am glad they had fun doing ______ without me.
I don't like to sweat, so I won't exercise or walk or whatever might make me sweat.
I don't think they meant to be so hurtful.
I am not good at gardening.
I am not so unhealthy, I don't smoke or drink.
I wasn't really feeling well enough anyway.

I gave myself a lot of excuses for not doing many things that I wanted to do. I covered it up by telling myself I did not really want those things. But in reality I do want those things. I just was afraid to admit it and to have dreams. A friend of mine read my blog on dreams and told me that it is ok to dream. I am just now realizing what she meant. I tell myself that I know it is OK, but I do not really do it. In Sharon's essay, she says that she is convinced that we tell ourselves these lies because we do not believe that we deserve whatever we are aching for. I know she is right. I have never given up on a friend who was struggling or working towards something. Why do I give up on me so easily? I recognize qualities in my friends that I like and would like to have, but I tell myself I cannot be like that. As a child I was told that I was fat and lazy. I began to believe it, even though I never admitted it. Self fulfilled prophecy. I believed that I could not accomplish what ever I wanted because I was not good enough. I was too imperfect. I will be happy with myself when I am skinny.

Well move over, here I come. I am tired of waiting to live!

I have a new self fulfilling prophecy to do. I am a woman with a new love for life. I am getting fit. I will reach my goal weight and I love taking care of myself. I am a capable woman with dreams and hopes and goals. I will accomplish them. I know how to do it. I have the tools and the support and hey I am starting to really like myself. :) I am proud of what I can do now. I have always beat myself up. From burning dinner to not keeping a clean enough house. I have always felt like I fell short of what ever I wanted. Well no more. I am in control and I will not let my weight or my sad depressed mind keep me from being all I can be. I am going to stop lying to myself. I do not like being fat. I actually enjoy working out. I love cooking good food for myself and my family. I like a clean organized house. I want to hike the Grand Canyon, I want to raft, I want to run a marathon, I want to plan healthy activities for my family, I want to live longer than my mother and grandmother did! Not only do I want these things, but I
deserve them. I deserve to be happy. I am not a bad person, I am taking control of my life. I deserve to be healthy, I deserve to LIVE.......really LIVE LIFE.

Yes, I had realized that I had been lying to myself before I read that essay. I talked about being honest with myself in the beginning of my journey. That is why I had to be so blunt about being fat, and how it really effects my life. But I had not really realized just how far reaching it was. I certainly have a better perspective right now.

I am so grateful for this insight and the blessing of my friends, family and all those who are supporting me. Especially those who knew I could do this even before I did. Love to all.

1 comment:

Katie said...

hi kathy. my mom is sharon.. she passed away june of 08 due to a brain tumor. i am just sitting here googling her, because i am thinking of her, and came across your blog. it makes me happy to see the positive affect she seemed to have over you and your journey. life is should have everything you wish for... you DO deserve it!! :)